Control Your Anxiety With Food

In our country today, anxiety has passed depression as the number one mental health issue.  As shown in the chart above, 18.1% of the US Adult population suffers from some sort of anxiety.  Out of that population, 22.8% of the cases are classified as severe.  Severe anxiety can result in not only feelings of heightened anxiety, but in panic attacks as well.  The most used treatments revolve around medications which suppress the feelings of anxiety rather than dealing with any underlying causes for the anxiety.

Depression, whether it is one episode or recurring episodes, effects 6.9% of the population overall, and according to the National Institute of Mental Health, effects more females than males.

Depression can appear in different ways between the sexes, so in my opinion, it is debatable as to whether males suffer less depression.  Male depression can exhibit in agitation, anger and frustration as well as somber mood and hopelessness.  Unless a practitioner understands that, males may go untreated and are therefore not included in these statistics.  Individuals with anxiety can also struggle with bouts of depression and vice versa.

How did we get to this place?  In my opinion there may be several reasons.  First, lack of personal identity is rampant in our society.  We are taught that we are what we do.  Whatever role we have, becomes who we are and when that role ceases, we become lost.  We are told that a person has no value unless they are successful, nice looking, financially stable or hold a job with a distinguishable title.  In order to achieve a feeling of worth and value, we tend to perform, work harder, do more and try our best to achieve that successful image.  That lifestyle is very stressful and individuals tend to burnout after awhile.

Second, we are just too busy.  People have sacrificed play time, rest time and face to face interaction with others for activities, social media and time in front of numerous screens.  These screens, whether they be computers, iPads, or phones, tend to stimulate the brain in ways that interfere with good sleep patterns. especially if we look at them up until the time we go to bed.

Busyness interferes with our eating patterns as well.  We catch a quick bite of something as we head out the door and eat it in the car on the way to dropping our kids off at school before work.  We have traded the relatively peaceful breakfast, lunch and dinner at the family table for Starbucks and fast food.  That takes a toll on what our bodies can handle.

So, how does food help us deal with anxiety?  It helps to provide our brain with enough consistent glucose so it is able to function well.  If we eat mostly or all carbohydrates at our meals, our brain has a good supply of glucose for 1.5 -2 hours after the meal.  If we don't eat again for 4 or 5 hours, the glucose supply becomes low and our brain becomes concerned.  According to Kristen Allot ND, "In order to continue to function well, the brain will tell the kidneys to release adrenaline in order to increase blood glucose.  Although the brain now has some fuel, the amygdala has been stimulated by adrenaline.  This can cause your concerns or irritations to become amplified into anxiety or anger."  Usually, when adrenaline is released, there is a reason.  We need it to function, to do something physically.  When adrenaline is used to feed the brain, it is still in the system because it doesn't get used up with physical exertion and then contributes to anxiety levels.

It is interesting to understand that the symptoms of Anxiety or Anger are very similar to the signs for Hypoglycemia.  Hypoglycemia can occur whenever our blood sugar levels drop.  Often we think we have problems with anxiety, when we may not be eating enough protein with our meals, or eating often enough so that our brains have the fuel needed to function without adrenaline release.  When a person eats at least 21 grams of protein with their main meals and eats at least every 4 hours, they should notice a decrease in anxiety.  If meals cannot be eaten every 4 hours, then a snack with carbs and protein should be eaten in order to keep the body functioning well.  Many of my clients notice a difference within 24 hours. Before modifying their eating habits, I often ask them to keep a food journal over 3-4 days.  They note what they have eaten, when they have eaten and when their anxiety levels or anger issues increase.  They often notice a change in their emotional health if they have gone two to four hours without eating and their previous meal was mostly carbohydrates.

Finally, if you have a snack before bed, just make sure it isn't sugary or full of carbohydrates.  Again, give  your body a dose of protein with your carbs and you may find that you sleep better.

What are some healthy protein sources?  Quinoa has 11 grams of protein per half cup.  Refried beans have 8 grams per half cup.  A quarter cup of nuts has 8 grams of protein and 2 T of nut butter has the same.  Seed butter, such as sunflower seed butter has 5 grams of protein per 2 T serving.  Greek yogurt and pumpkin seeds are a good snack with plenty of protein as well as cottage cheese that has 12 grams per half cup.  If you like eggs for breakfast, bear in mind that each egg only has 7 grams of protein so if you are shooting for 21 grams at breakfast, you either need 3 eggs or another source of protein with them.  3 ounces of wild fish, chicken, turkey, beef or pork will supply you with 21 grams of protein as well.

In closing, just a note.  You don't see me adding soy to the list of healthy proteins.  I don't recommend soy because it can create so many issues due to its estrogen content.  Soy is not the best protein to eat, in my opinion.  It is difficult to change your diet all at once, so give yourself some grace when starting a transition of this kind.  You may find it difficult to begin to eat healthier so try one meal at a time.  If you aren't a breakfast eater, try introducing the morning meal with a protein shake.  These kinds of transitions need to fit into your lifestyle and food preferences or they don't work.    The most important rule of thumb is to make sure you space your meals and snacks about 4 hours apart and make sure they contain at least 21 grams of protein for main meals and 6-7 grams of protein for snacks.   You should see a drop in your anxiety level if you implement these simple practices.

Do You Have A Cat That Is Overweight?

I wanted to share with you some information that I discovered because I'm sure I'm not the only person who loves cats and has a cat that has become overweight.  I try very hard to feed my animals the best food so they don't develop food related issues.  However, as it turned out, I missed that goal because I didn't realize that cats are unable to digest carbohydrates.

Poor Charlie became overweight quite rapidly and it seemed as though any effort that I made to restrict his food put him into huge stress.  One day, he just seemed very depressed and lethargic and I knew something was wrong.  I decided I needed to research the problem and what I came up with turned out to bring about an amazing transformation.

When I did a google search, I came up with a website from a Siamese cat breeder in Illinois.  She had information about Young Again food on her website so I emailed her and she was gracious enough to correspond with me about the whys and whats contributing to her decision to use this food with her animals.  She gave me the contact number to speak directly with the manufacturer which I did.  I soon learned that Charlie was stressed out because he was continually hungry due to the amount of carbs in the food I was feeding him.  The wet food was just fine, but the dry food was 1/2 brown rice!  She instructed me that when I received the new food, I should put down two big bowls of it and just let them eat all they wanted.  (I have two cats) She said they would self regulate in a few days, which they did.

Six weeks later, Charlie has lost about 1/3 of his body weight free feeding and he has much more life in his eyes and is more active.  I am sooooo very glad that I made the switch to this food and I would recommend it to anyone who has a cat, dog, ferret or fish!

Now to be completely honest, I love the food so much that I became an affiliate and I have information about it at my website http://www.livingwellcc.com/products/youngagainpetfood.html

If you believe this food would be good for your pets, I would appreciate you going to my site and purchasing the food from there, just because it helps me out a little bit.  If you have any questions, please let me know.

In the meantime, here is an article off their site talking about this issue - 

Obesity in Cats

Margaret A. Wissman, DVM, DABVP
March 2010
It is now estimated that 57% of the cats in our country are overweight or obese. And just as in humans, obesity in cats can lead to a number of very serious problems including being more prone to osteoarthritis, type 2 diabetes, respiratory disorders, hypertension (high blood pressure) and cardiac (heart) disease.
How can you tell if your cat is overweight? When you view your cat from above, your cat should show an obvious narrowing around the waist. When you run your fingers over your cat's ribs you should be able to feel each rib under a thin layer of fat. If you can't feel each rib then most likely your cat is on the road to becoming overweight. Of course, if you suspect your cat is overweight, you should talk to your veterinarian, who can best assess your feline's body condition and address any weight concerns you may have. 
The good news is that by feeding your cat the proper balance of animal proteins and fats, she can eat as much as she wants and still be able to maintain a natural healthy weight.
Weight loss options
Once your cat has been diagnosed as overweight or obese, it's time to do something about it. Increasing exercise is always a good idea, however, this can be difficult. Try increasing playtime with a cat, teach her to play fetch and encourage any extra activity you can.

It is equally important for you to give your cat a cat food that is appropriate for weight loss and healthy weight maintenance. Most cat foods on the market are loaded with carbohydrates and plant proteins like corn gluten, which are the incorrect nutrients for healthy cats! This is because cats are true carnivores, meaning that their diet should consist primarily of meat proteins and fats, and very little in the way of carbohydrates.

What should you feed your overweight cat?
There are a plethora of different kinds of foods available for adult cats. Check the label carefully. If the protein content is below 50% and the fat level is below 20% then the diet contains too many carbohydrates. The top nutrients should be in the animal protein group (pork, chicken, beef, egg, poultry meal, fish, etc.) Foods listing proteins like corn gluten meal or more than one carbohydrate source from plants may appeal to the cat's taste buds but they create a vicious cycle of overeating and weight gain. Here's why:

Carbohydrates are broken down and digested very quickly, providing the cat with an overabundance of glucose (sugar) in the bloodstream. Any sugar not immediately used for metabolism and activity will be stored as fat.

However, when fed a protein-based food, the proteins are digested much more slowly, which will fuel the cat's metabolism and activity over a longer period of time and satiate your cat's hunger. 

You know the old joke about after eating Chinese food that you will be hungry again in an hour? That's because the rice and predominately carbohydrate laden diet is digested quickly, and before long, your brain is signaling that you're hungry again! Ditto with carbohydrate-laden cat foods! But with a meal that's high in meat protein (with little or no carbs), digestion and utilization of the nutrients occurs more slowly, so your cat won't feel hungry for quite a while and the energy will be used to fuel the needs of the body instead of being stored as fat.

Cats are carnivores: you won't ever see a cat out hunting for an ear of corn. Instead, the cat is out hunting for the mouse or bird found in the cornfields. That is their natural diet. Of course you don't want to feed your cat mice, so Young Again has created dry cat foods that copy the nutrient profile found in a natural diet so that you CAN provide your beloved feline with a food that is nature identical and will work in harmony with your cat's digestive system and metabolism.

The beauty of Young Again Cat Food is that you can offer your feline this pelleted food in a bowl and just leave it out for her to eat free choice. Within two weeks of consuming Young Again, your cat will naturally adjust the amount of food that she needs to fuel her metabolism. Since proteins are digested more slowly, she won't be hungry all the time, as she would if she was consuming a carbohydrate-laden diet. So, she will gradually adjust the volume of Young Again that she wants and needs to approximately one tablespoon per day for every 5 pounds of healthy body weight. An eight pound bag of Young Again Cat Food will last the average 8 pound cat about 100-120 days depending on activity level and weather you supply treats. Of course, provide her with fresh, clean water at all times.

On Young Again Cat Food, your cat will begin losing excess body fat, and will in turn, begin developing better muscling, as well as a softer, more kitten-like coat. She will have more energy and this will also help her lose excess body fat. Cats that were couch-potatoes will begin playing, exploring and even jumping and climbing! Shy cats may become more outgoing and friendly. And an added benefit will be found in the kitty-litter box, with smaller, more compact fecal components, due to the high-digestibility of the food. Young Again guarantees these results in as little as 8 weeks.

If you want to improve your cat's health, help her lose the excess weight, develop a more active lifestyle and let her eat as much as she wants,offer her Young Again Cat Food. It is one of the best things you can do for your feline friend! 

The Blueprint that is You

This blog post is somewhat self serving in that I am introducing my new book "Identity - What It Means To Be You".  Below you will find the first chapter of the book, to give you a taste of what it is about.  This message is something that the Lord has been teaching me all my life, although the most significant healing has come in the last 15 years. Identity is a very personal topic to me as it has prompted me to seek healing, learn more, research, investigate, share victories and defeat,  and even pointed me toward the career that I now have as a mental health counselor.  Our society tends to erode personal identity and the personal sense of value and worth that comes with it.  Value seems to be condensed into that old saying that says, the person with the most toys wins.  

At present, the book is available only on Kindle, but that doesn't mean that you can't download it.  If you go to Amazon.com and download the free Kindle Reader, you can then go to the link below and purchase it for 4.99.  

http://www.amazon.com/Identity-What-Means-Without-Telling-ebook/dp/B00JJY3208/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1397062525&sr=1-1&keywords=identity+what+it+means+to+be+you

I would appreciate knowing what you think of the book.  My prayer is that it blesses you and encourages you along the journey to knowing yourself better, appreciating how the Lord created you and liking the person that you are.

CHAPTER 1

I see a very common response in the counseling office when I mention the word, “Identity.” I get a blank look, an “uh huh,” and the conversation moves on. Over the years, I’ve learned to work with that response and allow my clients the time to explore what identity means. The message of identity keeps being reinforced as a significant issue in the lives of many of the people I speak with. It is clear that lack of identity is a much bigger problem than people think it is. I describe it as an epidemic of our culture. We are taught to have roles and jobs, which then become what we are, and determine our value as human beings. We don’t hear the truth, which is: we are not what we do. We are unique individuals who perform certain functions, but those functions don’t define us — we define the functions.

I have believed for a long time that identity is what can be called that unique “blueprint” from which the Lord created us. This blueprint is who we are. Not who we are in Christ, which is another thing, but who we are. Male or female, blonde or brunette, blue eyes or brown eyes — even down to the preferences for the food we like to eat, what we consider delightful, and what makes us curl back with fear or disgust. As human beings, we are individuals with a complex compilation of attributes organized in a distinctive way that, as an end result, becomes me and you and your neighbor and all the people who have made up and presently make up our world. It is hard to believe that, in all these millions of people, there is not one who is the same as another!

Identity in Christ

When we talk about identity, people often think that what is being referred to is our identity in Christ. For the purposes of this book, that is not the case. Personal identity is the creative gift of God to us. Identity in Christ is a positional term used to describe the “benefits” secured for each of us through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. These benefits are given to any person who believes in the Lord Jesus Christ as their Savior. Our personal identities are different — they are unique to each one of us, and are comprised of our personality, our gifts, our talents, body style, and many other things, which in turn give us significant clues to our purpose in life. For example, someone who is 6'5", with a heavy frame and musculature, would probably not be well suited as a dancer or gymnast. A dancer's or gymnast’s body style is quite different from that of a person who would be better suited as a football player or a logger. Someone with a quiet persona, who would rather research information and write about it, may not be comfortable as a public speaker.

Some people have come to believe dying to self means they must die to who they are as a person in order that Christ may live in them. Paul did not say that. He said:

Galatians 2:20, NKJV: I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live; yet not I but Christ who lives in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me

The sense of this verse is that we are to crucify the sinful desires which keep us from following Christ and keep His nature from manifesting through us.  NEVERTHELESS, I Live! Christ lives within us, and we are to reflect His love, His beauty, His compassion and His grace through our own unique and wonderful body, soul and personal spirit.  We are, with His help, bringing to death carnal inclinations that oppose Him. But we must not forget the part of the verse that says —

Psalm 139:13-16, Amp. — For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, [and] skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained [for me] when as yet there was not one of them.

Does this verse sound like it is describing a master craftsman or a production line? If God did not build into us a unique design, what would be the need for Proverbs 22:6? (Train up a child in the way he should go. In the Hebrew, the meaning is that we should train up a child according to his own natural bent.) Why would He need to make sure we knew to look for how He made our children, and to direct them towards that?

Our identity in Christ is positional. It is an identity that we share with every other person in the body of Christ. Our personal identity, which is the focus of this discussion, is unique and belongs to us alone.

The Formula For A Good Life

I have debated as to whether I should weigh in on all the whooha that has been flying around the news lately, but I decided that a different perspective might be a good thing to plant as a seed for thought.  To clarify, this is not a comment on Phil Robertson.  What it is, is a comment on what I see as the basic issue to be worked on.....the lack of MANNERS, RESPECT and HONOR in our society today.  These words seem to have lost a lot of impact in our world and many struggle with the mere definitions of the words.  That is a tragedy.

As a young person, I was taught to respect my elders, to be polite to those I came in contact with and to honor other human beings.  Although I didn't always do that, what I have learned is that these things seem to be a very good formula for living in community with other people.  It does not take a lot of effort to be kind, it does, however, take effort to be kind when others are being unkind to you.  To do that, one must draw on one's own character.  That means being the person you are or that you are trying to be, in the face of disrespect or dishonor.  If you have not developed these qualities as part of your character, then as you try to draw from your inner strength, there aren't a lot of resources there to draw from.   This does not mean that we lay down and let others run over us.  It means that we respond in ways that are respectful, to ourselves and others while getting our point across.  That, my friend, is an art.  It is much easier to let fly out of our mouths anything that comes to mind, unfiltered and not well thought out.  It requires SELF DISCIPLINE to filter our responses.

It also requires empathy for others.  There are many times when I get frustrated with the actions or responses of other people.  In that, what I try to do is put myself in their place and ask how I would like to be treated in that particular circumstance or situation.  Does it work all the time?  I can't say that it does....but it works much of the time.  I often ask myself things like....is this a hill you want to die on or in the long run, how important is the point I'm trying to make?  Those questions help me to monitor my thoughts, responses and behavior until I have achieved a level of automatic response that I am happy with.  I have to remind myself that I have a multitude of responses to choose from and many of them are better than others.

POLITENESS, RESPECT and HONOR are FILTERS, not just random suggestions.  These values filter our speech and our behavior. This is why we seek to teach them to our children.  They help us develop the ART of speaking our mind without being rude to others.  It is important to develop this art in our lives.  What we see today, almost everywhere we look, are examples of people being RUDE.  It seems the media likes to use highly charged words like racism and hate speech and what have you.  However the bottom line is that people are being rude to each other, or disrespectful or dishonorable to each other...which creates hard feelings.  When you boil emotional responses down to their simplest forms, that is what you find.  Movies, commercials, sit-coms, TV shows, talk radio and a myriad of other media choices demonstrate how people are impolite, rude or disrespectful to each other.  When our children watch these things, or even as adults we immerse ourselves in it, it will tend to erode the filters that are so important to our successful functioning.

What would happen, if in 2014 we all as individuals decided to strengthen these filters in our lives?  What if we practiced the art of honor, respect and being polite...in our society, in our community.....in our HOMES?  In doing that, we could actually BE the change that we are asking to see in our respective spheres of influence.  Can one person change anything?  The answer is.....YES.  You can change YOU and that is the most important person you know.  BE kindness, BE respect, BE honor and watch what happens in your life.  You will be amazed.

Choose Life!

This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against 

you that I have set before you life and death, blessings 

and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your 

children may live

Deuteronomy 30:19

I don't know that what I am about to say is extremely profound, but it certainly is part of the mission statement of my life.  I have often wondered why I don't like to give up until every possible option has been explored and even a few more!  Today I have been able to articulate it....it goes like this:

LIFE IS TOO PRECIOUS NOT TO

FIGHT WITH EVERYTHING YOU HAVE, FOR 

AS LONG AS YOU CAN

TO KEEP WHAT GOD GAVE YOU INTACT.

I fight for my family, for my pets and for my friends because I believe that God told the Israelites to choose life for a reason.....Life is better than death!  

In every way that we, as human beings can choose life we absolutely should.  Choose life in your relationships by honoring the people in them.  Choose life in your physical being by doing everything you can to stay healthy.   That means choose a positive perspective, see the good not the negative.  That doesn't mean that we ignore problems and go into a place of denial, but simply put, if you look for problems you're going to find them.  If you look for people's flaws, you are going to find them.  If you major on the negative, what is going to be huge on the movie screen of your life?  Negativity!  

Each time we choose to put something into our body that doesn't bring it life, we are choosing death.  Toxic foods, alcohol, drugs, many processed foods, tobacco etc are things that our body has to fight in order to stay healthy.  I was told once by someone I highly respect that, "the body is created to be healthy and if we give it what it needs to be healthy, you can't beat health off with a stick."  God gave each of us a body that has as its sole purpose, the mission to keep us alive.  It will do that until we finally overload it to the point where it can't accomplish that mission anymore.  

Philippians 4:8 NKJV says this:  Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things.  

This portion of scripture is not a suggestion.  It has a purpose.  Our bodies respond to positive thought as much as they respond to negative thought.  When we think about what isn't going right, what we are afraid of, who isn't doing what the way we want them to, we not only affect our physical beings and our mental health, but we affect them as well.  Hebrews 11:1 says that FAITH is the SUBSTANCE of things HOPED for, the EVIDENCE of things NOT SEEN.  As we concentrate on negative thoughts, we are putting emotional energy, thought and physical response into what we are thinking about.  Faith works both ways....the substance of things hoped for can either be negative or positive.  You may think that faith doesn't work, but look at what you are thinking about, what you are expecting and what you say about yourself.  If you see the negative, do you have negative?  That is faith as well.

As we speak to each other, husbands and wives, parents and children....what kind of words are we choosing?  Do we choose words that build each other up, or tear each other down?  Do we speak with attitudes that give life?  Do we speak the truth?  Do we sincerely work to identify and solve the problems in our relationships or do we just fight with each other?  We are all human and we will all make mistakes.  We get angry and say things we don't want to.  However if we choose life the majority of the time for ourselves and with others, life will go pretty well.  It has to!

Now here is the disclaimer.  I am not advocating staying in abusive relationships.  Toxic people are out there.  I know.  I have been in a relationship or two like that in my life.  Perhaps you are in one of those times now or you may be that toxic person.  If so, just remember that the important thing is to take steps to come out of that toxicity. It is never too late!  If we don't, the consequences of leading a toxic life can include being lonely, depressed, unhealthy and even unsuccessful.  If you have someone who is toxic in your life, do what you can to help them. However, if they choose not to listen, choose not to change their lives...they are inevitably making the choice to be lonely.  There is only so much emotional toxicity people can handle and once they have reached that thresh-hold, relationships are usually irreparably damaged. Broken relationships are the inevitable consequence of toxic behavior.

Here is just an example of how scripture says certain positive and negative thoughts and/or emotions affect our body physically.  Just a note - our bones don't just give us structure, they also create blood cells:

• Proverbs 14:30 NKJV

  A sound heart is life to the body, But envy is rottenness to the bones.
  
  
  Proverbs 16:24 NKJV
• Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, Sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.
  
  

  Proverbs 13:12 NKJV

  Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.

  
  

I would ask you to consider the reasons why there are so many places in the Bible that tell us how to think or how to conduct our lives.  It isn't just because God wants to take our freedom away by telling us what to do and what not to do.  It's because many of these things bring life! He tells us what works and what doesn't work and then gives us the choice.  Positive psychology can provide us with many peer reviewed studies that show how happiness, joy and positive thinking literally change our brain function.  Nutritionists are starting to find that foods which fall into the lower inflammation producing categories also follow along the biblical dietary laws that we find in the Old Testament.  

As you live out the rest of your life, I would ask you to consider the attitudes and decisions that have guided you to this point.  At any point in our lives, we are the product of our best thinking.  If the fruit in your life is life giving, seek to make it better.  If you don't like the quality of the fruit in your life, change your thinking and make better quality decisions.  If you don't know how to do that, ask someone....seek out someone who is producing good fruit and observe them, talk to them...seek their advice. Choose life!  It's always better than the alternative and you are too valuable not to fight for.

THE FEAR OF CHANGE AND THE UNKNOWN

Fear, Stress & Anger (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Change is a part of life, we all know that.  It can be good, bringing us pleasant surprises, new members of our family, different employment or a new place to live.  Changes can improve our lives, but there are also changes which bring us stress and even some that produce fear.  The part of change that is unknown or that we can’t control often creates the most fear.

Some of the most fear provoking changes in life are centered around the four basic human fears:  1) rejection, 2) abandonment, 3) death and 4) dying.   When significant losses or the anticipation of those losses tap into any one or more of these four fears, there is significant emotional response.  Divorce is a change that taps into rejection and abandonment.  It can be seen, especially by an abuse victim, as a devastating change.  They don't know how they are going to face the financial, relational and parenting aspects of living on their own and usually have been convinced by the abuser that they are not able to take care of the aspects of life necessary to accomplish living apart from the abuser.  

Taking individual situations into account, most of the time the fears are unjustified.  Will the changes from married life to single life be difficult...yes.  Are they impossible?  No.  Many individuals find that leaving an abusive relationship allows them the ability to grow and to have a life that they can control and be happy with.  It is a difficult transition, as many changes are, but it is not an impossibility.  One thing that is sure about life, there is always a way to do what you need to do.  You may not like some of the decisions that you have to make to get there, but you can get there.  

As we age, we face many changes that fall into the categories of unknown or beyond our control.  We go through the process of children leaving the home; making the adjustment to the “empty nest”.  Other people look at winding down their careers or have involuntarily been down sized by their employer.  Facing these changes well often depends on where we have placed our personal identity.  If we have solid internal identity, these types of changes are often seen as challenges or positive transitions.  It can be a very exciting time of adjustment.  However, if a person has developed an external identity, finding it in a specific role or in the opinions of others, this change can be very difficult.  This time of change is usually centered on a large loss of purpose, or when the purpose for which we have lived over many years is reduced significantly.  Deep down, this stage of life can trigger in to the fears of rejection or abandonment, producing a sense of being lost until a person can adjust.  Motivation comes from purpose and significantly enhances our emotional health.  Because of this, when facing transitions, it is most important to maintain a focus toward true purpose that doesn’t fluctuate with the roles we fill as we go through life.

FAMILY TRANSITIONS

Becoming an empty nester can be difficult if we have created our personal identity around being a parent.  Parenting is a role that we move in and out of in life and it is not meant to be an identity for us.  Loss of identity creates a kind of mid life crisis where we are not sure what to do with ourselves because the focus of our attention has moved on to start their own lives.  This is the danger in creating our identity around a role...once the role ends, our purpose does as well.  Purpose is a most important aspect of a human beings life.  Purpose comes out of who we are, it creates a focus for our lives that is meaningful, fulfilling and satisfying.  It can provide well being and good emotional health.  When the hope of our purpose diminishes, we lose focus and structure in our lives.  This is one of the most destructive aspects of abusive relationships, whether they be between a husband and wife or between a parent and a child.  Abuse diminishes purpose, which in turn destroys motivation.

As a parent, it is our purpose to socialize and enable our children to live independent lives.  As they grow older, we become less directive and take on more of a coaching position in their lives.  We help them to figure out how to solve their problems rather than doing it for them.  That is part of the role we fulfill rather than making it the full purpose of our lives.

CAREER TRANSITIONS

When individuals change careers or retire, not only does their role in life change, but often their relationships don’t go with them.  This can add to the stress of the transition if it is not understood that some relationships truly only exist because of the structure that surrounds them.   When we leave organizations, most of the relationships that have been built within those environments are not strong enough to exist outside of them if we have not done something to strengthen them outside the forming structure.  Anticipating these changes, we can seek to move those relationships that are important to us into a different level so they follow us after the change goes into effect.  This alone can help make a transition more comforting.  Additionally, planning for a meaningful purpose after retirement can add quality and significantly lengthen a person’s life.

DEATH AND DYING

For individuals who have aging parents requiring care and assistance, these changes can be very difficult and stress producing on both sides of the issue.  It is never easy to lose a parent and being a part of their dying process can be extremely difficult.  They struggle with loss of independence, not being able to fulfill their roles and again, loss of purpose which can bring on negativity and depression. 

No matter who we are, death changes us when we come close to it.  It causes us to recognize our own mortality, assess our lives and question even fundamental spiritual beliefs.  Knowing or not feeling confident in what happens next can be a source of fear.  Losing a parent who we have not been close to ends the possibility of ever repairing that relationship. 

Although death and dying are a part of life, they are parts that we are never well prepared for; bringing with them the loss of friends, health and independence.   The grief process is unfamiliar and can take us by surprise as a result.  It is not only a feeling, but it can carry with it physical pain and an adjustment process.  People don’t like to talk about death and our close experiences with it are commonly limited to the loss of parents and grandparents.  The loss of a child is something that we are never prepared for and it can be extremely traumatizing.  We often think we know what it will be like because after all, we’ve seen it over and over on TV.  However, once it becomes a reality, it is clear that Hollywood is not a good source of information.  

Although difficult, questioning our mortality, evaluating the quality of the relationships left in our lives and clarifying our spiritual beliefs are all normal and good responses when death and dying enter center stage in our lives.  Helpful things we can do for ourselves around the process include creating a strong support group, as well as attending group and or individual counseling.  Families can be a place of strength if the internal relationships are of good quality.  Personally, a strong spiritual faith is often a viable source of comfort in difficult times.  Outside the family, Hospice can provide invaluable support for both the person going through the process and those accompanying them.  In preparation for the loss, it is good advice to have a clear understanding of what a person’s wishes are with regard to their dying process.  For the person entrusted with carrying out those wishes, it is a strong place of comfort to have that knowledge as guidance. 

In closing, as we face losing those closest to us in life, the goal is really not to get back to normal because that isn’t possible.  Instead we accept a new normal, which can be a comforting goal.  If we can come out on the other side of this process with no regrets about decisions that were made, it aids in going through the personal grief process.   Keeping in the forefront of our minds that this process is not about us, but about helping our loved ones to finish well, it helps us focus on what is truly important and we can grow into better people as a result. 

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It Is Well With My Soul....

 

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Today, as I sang this song in church, I thought about the story behind the words I was singing.  Starting out life in the Baptist church, I remember singing this song many times over the course of my life and it has become one of my favorites.  However, as a child, it was hard to understand the implications of what Mr. Spafford was trying to convey as he created this wonderful hymn.

This beautiful hymn was penned by an attorney who lived in the mid 1800s, whose name was Horatio Spafford.  Mr. Spafford was a friend of D.L. Moody and lived in the upper Midwest.  Although you would think of an attorney as being quite successful, his story is one of great tragedy and loss.  (If you would like to read his story, please click here.)  Even so, amidst the losses that he experienced, he was able to write words such as these....it is well, it is well, with my soul. 

For much of the church service I was deep in thought, the Pastor's words floating in and out of the thoughts that were inundating my mind.  Over this last year, it seems as though there have been a lot of losses in my own life....difficult losses that have pierced my heart so deeply that I have begun to wonder just how long these feelings were going to persist; if I could handle any more saddness.  In the midst of these losses, I found myself becoming impatient with my life's circumstances, wanting desperately to change them.  My heart has longed for a life with less responsibility, less stress and more joy.  I have wanted to just go play, have lunch with my friends and do what "I" want to do without having to make sure certain conditions are in place that would allow me to spend a few hours here and there.  Unfortunately, these things have seemed very unattainable.

As the service progressed, the Pastor began to speak about a new born child who had been born to a young couple in our congregation.  Due to complications, she had a difficult birth, wasn't breathing and had to be rushed to the hospital in a town close by for special medical attention.  It is possible that she might have brain damage due to the lack of oxygen.  As we prayed for this child, I couldn't help but think about how tragic it would be for a child to be brought into this world and from the start not be healthy.  I felt such sadness for this family. 

The more I thought about this, my thoughts turned to my husband of 35 years, whose history I know all too well.  It seemed as though, like this little baby, he had a hard time from the beginning of his life too.   Although he was a healthy, normal baby, he was born to parents who were quite dysfunctional.  His mother and father divorced shortly after he was born.  At around a year of age, she voluntarily gave custody to his dad who was an alcoholic.  There was terrible and tragic abuse that happened until he was placed in a children's home when he was 9, due to the death of his grandmother.  Unfortunately the abuse just took a different form and by the time he was 17, he was given the choice of going to jail for committing a crime or joining the Navy.  His Navy record was less than sterling and after he got out, he spent some time in jail and most of the rest of his life in a bottle.  In 2001, he suffered a massive stroke and lost the use of half his body as well as his speech. 

That was 11 years ago.  After my father passed away this year, I really lost all motivation to continue as a care giver on any level.  It has been a struggle to keep my head in the game and I have been trying to find ways to shed the responsibility, yet in my heart knowing that just because I am having a hard time, that alone is no reason for my husband to have to pay for that.  My family, his family and many friends would support me if I chose to place him in a care facility....yet I don't find comfort in that solution either. It isn't the right thing to do. These thoughts, although not central to what was going on in my mind, were having a significant impact on what I had carried with me to church this morning.

The things that I was hearing as I sat in the pew this morning began to form around a different context.  I took a look at my husband through the lens of a counselor, rather than the lens of a wife.  Again, as it has in the past, compassion began to soften the resentment that had built up and I saw that precious, scared, abused little boy who grew up into a scared, young sailor performing body bag detail aboard ship off the coast of Viet Nam.  He was never diagnosed with PTSD but he surely has struggled with it most of his life; trying very hard to cope with the demons in his mind that have caused him so much pain for so many years.  My heart broke for him, again, and I understood, again, that it is my privilege to be able to take care of him.  It is something that came as part of the package when I prayed that the Lord would spare his life the day the stroke came.  Although I did not fully understand what I was asking for at the time, over the years it has become clear and it is my life now.  It is also his life, which is a very precious commodity...something to be respected and cared for. 

Today the Pastor began to talk about things that made sense to me...things that I have even told myself....and then there was that hymn.  As much as I have experienced loss this year, I began to think about how many things I have to be thankful for. Those things are real too.  Thinking about all that the Lord has done for me and my family in the middle of such great loss, a feeling of gratefulness started to infiltrate my heart and mind; making me realize how much this life is a matter of perspective.  It seems as though sometimes reality is made up of what we are focusing on and if our focus is the negative, then life is going to look pretty bad.  On the other hand, if we are intent on seeing a more positive perspective, reality tends to take on a better outlook.

How could Mr. Spafford say it is well with my soul?  Perhaps it is because he was looking at life through the lens of blessing rather than through the lens of loss and bitterness. The story of his life doesn't talk about what those blessings might be, but there must have been something that was bringing him comfort in the midst of his tragedy.   Looking back, much of the distress that I experienced over the last 18 months came from fearing things that could have happened but didn't happen, threats that seemed so real but never materialized.  Some of the things I was distressed about did happen, but they have since proven to be less of an impact than I thought they were going to be.  So much stress, so much wasted energy.  Hindsight is 20/20 they say.......I concur. 

A year ago today, I was standing beside my father's bedside in the Emergency Room at KMC waiting for the doctor to confirm he had a broken hip.  That event began a 2.5 month ordeal that ended in his death. It was not the result that I had ever imagined and I often have vehemently referred to it as a "damned tragedy".  I miss him and life will always be different without him here.  However I don't think that he would have wanted me to live my life focusing on his loss rather than the blessing that he brought into my life. 




Image by Lorenzoclick via Flickr

Will what happened today as I sat listening to my Pastor carry forward through the new year?  I can't answer that with a lot of certainty.  However, today as I allowed the Lord to show me a different perspective, I was able to raise my face heavenward and begin to understand -

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

 

 

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What Is Your Inner Dialogue Producing?

Inner dialogue is comprised of the constant stream of thoughts that goes through our mind on a daily basis.  It is how we think, what we think and what we tell ourselves about ourselves 24 hours a day.  Our inner dialogue has a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves, how high our confidence level is, how anxious we are or how hopeful we are.  That constant stream of thought often goes by unnoticed to the conscious mind, but it is highly noticeable to the unconscious mind.  It is always there, either encouraging us or discouraging us. 

I have a friend who decided to evaluate his inner dialogue, so over a specified period of time, he wrote down as much of what he thought as possible.  When he reviewed what he had written down, he was amazed at how negative it was.  Interestingly enough, my friend is a pretty positive person so this was surprising.  As a result, he decided to change the negativity and found it required some concentrated discipline.  Our thought processes are habitual and they come from pretty deep seated belief systems.  There is a portion of scripture that says, "out of the treasure of the heart, the mouth speaks."  What this means is, the way we speak has a lot to do with the way we think. 

Anxiety

Because I work with many clients who have anxiety issues, I often ask them to evaluate what is going through their minds when they get anxious.  Invariably, they report that their minds start racing with questions.....what if I don't get this done..... what if this happens..... what if that happens... how can I possibly... what will I do if....why did that happen...how can I prevent it from happening again...oh I'm so stupid....why did I do that...and on and on.  This kind of thought racing produces anxiety if you let your mind run away with you.  My best advice to these individuals is.....wait for it.....ANSWER THE QUESTIONS.  Yes, that's right, answer the questions.  What WILL happen if you don't get your project done, why DID you do that, what will you do if this DOES happen again?  If a person will take the time to answer the questions that are causing the anxiety, it moves them to a pro-active state.  They begin goal setting rather than sitting back, letting life happen to them. 

If you move into being pro-active, you move from a defensive position to an offensive position.  You begin to set goals, plan out what you will do in certain situations and that makes you feel more powerful.  Chip Conley, in his book Emotional Equations gives us a formula for anxiety.  It is: 

 

uncertainty x powerlessness = anxiety

 

If you remember your high school algebra when dealing with equations, changing one side of the equation also changes the other side of the equation.  As we look at this particular equation, answering the questions that race through our minds eliminates the uncertainty portion of the equation, which also tends to effect the level of powerlessness that we feel in any given situation.  Therefore, it changes the result, as in bringing down or eliminating the anxiety level. 

 

Self - Worth

 

Another way our inner dialogue can affect us is how our thoughts turn inward and either criticize or encourage us personally.  Imagine how your child would react if s/he consistently heard from you how they can't do anything right, how worthless they are, how stupid they are, how they don't measure up, how they will never amount to anything etc.  What kind of attitude do you believe that child would have by the time they reached adulthood?  Probably not very positive.  Yet, if your own thoughts consistently degrade and demean yourself personally, how do you think you will escape the same fate?  You listen to your thoughts 24/7/365 - there isn't any way you won't be effected by that amount of negativity. 

 

The field of Positive Psychology has proven that negativity steals from us.  Studies show that happy people, more positive people are more productive, healthier and live longer.  Proverbs 16:24 says, "pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones."  Sweetness to the soul would mean more peace and less anxiety, health to the bones refers to our physical health.  Our bones are the strength of our body, they also produce blood cells that circulate and nourish our bodies.  Imagine....thinking and speaking positively makes us happy and healthy!  How simple!

 

Evaluate what you are telling yourself, about yourself consistently.  Do you often call yourself stupid?  Do harshly criticize yourself?  If you do, it is time to re-evaluate.  It is time to develop a larger vocabulary and a more realistic response to yourself.  If you are just repeating what your parents told you all your life, you may want to evaluate your life and decide if you want to keep agreeing with their assessment.  More than likely it wasn't accurate to begin with, so why keep agreeing with it?  This requires discipline, but once you start to change that inner habit, you will find that it becomes easier over time. 

 

Challenge your thoughts as you are aware of them.  Determine whether they are accurate or if there may be another way of looking at yourself and at life.  Most of the time people are not stupid, they are either misinformed or uninformed.  If you tell yourself that you don't do things well, a better response might be to take a class or practice the behavior more so that you get better at what you want to do. You might also begin to evaluate if what you are doing is within your skill set.  Some people just aren't good at certain things.  Rather than criticize yourself for not doing something well, decide whether you have the skill set to accomplish it at all.  If it is important to you to become skilled at whatever you are doing, then improve your skills.  If it isn't, just admit it is something you are not good at and move on.  Social skills are the same way.  They can be practiced just like behavioral skills can be practiced.  If you don't have effective social skills, you may want to read some books or get around people who have good social skills and observe them.  If you find yourself without friends, or not invited to social events then you may need to evaluate what is going on and fix that, rather than remaining hyper-critical of yourself. 

 

We must begin to look at our quality of life and determine how we want to live.  Life is too short not to do that.  If you want a more peaceful existence, it is important to look at how you are thinking.  Do you focus more on what is true, or do you focus on things that are not true?  Do you tend to spend your life thinking about what is honorable and just or do you tend to focus on the injustices of the world and the negative things that people do?  Do you have a clean thought life or are you more prone to think thoughts that are less pure?  Is your speech gracious and praiseworthy or do you tend to use more colorful and negative language?  Your speech will tend to belie your thought processes.  Therefore, as you pay attention to your thoughts, also pay attention to your conversation.  What do you talk about?  Are you filled with fear and anxiety or do you tend to look at solutions to solve problems?  The more positive you are, the better effect that will have on your opinion of yourself and others. 

 

Now, here is the disclaimer -  In saying that we must become more positive, I don't mean to imply that we never look at the negative.  We must be wise when it comes to life and wisdom says that it is important to view ourselves, our neighbors and life with reality.  Negative thoughts and actions tend to cause something called "catastrophizing".  When we catastrophize, we blow things out of proportion.  We say, "everything is horrible" or "I can never please my spouse" or "he just totally destroyed me".  If we look at these situations in truth and reality, we can see that using extreme speech like always, never, everything and nothing....or...extreme words like horrible, total destruction etc. are not good descriptors of our situations.  This kind of language doesn't allow for change and it labels people or situations with inaccurate labels.  Living in truth means changing our language as well as the measures we use to describe ourselves and the situations we find ourselves in.  It is only when we accurately describe the problem that we can find the appropriate solutions. 

 

Determine today that you will begin to challenge and eradicate the inner critic.  Begin to look at your life in terms of what you do well, what strengths you have and what goes right.  Yes, it may be difficult because negative thought patterns may be very deeply ingrained.  However, you can adapt...you just have to discipline yourself to do it.  The benefit of being positive is that people tend to like being around positive and encouraging people.  You may find that your social life improves, you think of yourself in a more positive and realistic light, and your family is happier.  Those are worthy goals to pursue.

 

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