Why is relationship with Father God so hard?
Often times, people will come into my office and tell me that they feel so guilty because their relationship with their Father God feels so distant. They say, If I just had enough faith or just read the bible more I could feel the presence of the Father. I love Jesus and He is everything to me, but I just feel so separated from the Father.
They believe that their Father God is a part of their spiritual life. They know He loves them and cares about them, but they just don’t seem to be able to achieve that intimate relationship with Him that they may have with Jesus. Others ask questions like My friends say they hear God talking to them, but I don’t....what is the matter with me? or If I read scripture and sing worship songs about how wonderful and how loving God is, if I worship Him on Sunday and feel His presence, why can’t I feel that all the time?
Is it possible we know many things about Father God in our mind, but our heart has a different perspective? Perhaps our heart-view of Father God isn’t based on His true nature. The truth is: we really are run by our heart, not our mind. We like to think we can figure it all out with our brain and then make decisions about life accordingly. Our decisions as an adult are often made at a heart level based on hurts in our past. We don’t get wounded in our mind, but in our heart. Even though it may be something we are not aware of, most of us transfer our view of our father – the man who raised us – to our Heavenly Father. If you question that statement, ask yourself just three things about your father:
Was your father for you?
In other words, was your relationship focused on his needs or your needs? When your dad disciplined you, was it for your benefit with love in his heart or did you perceive an angry Father whose punishment was scary or overly harsh. Did you ever receive the unspoken message that you weren’t good enough or couldn’t live up to Dad’s expectations? Did he teach you about life so you could have a better life or to make sure you wouldn’t be a burden to him later?
Was your father safe?
Could you speak to him without fear of rejection? Could you run to him when you were in trouble and be safe in his arms no matter what you did? Were you free to make a mistake and not be shamed? Lack of these things in our life will make us fearful, untrusting, and withdrawn. We can also feel as though we can’t do anything good enough so we give up, or do the opposite, strive to perform.
Did your father love you unconditionally?
Did you know in your heart that you could never do anything to cause your dad to turn from you or shame you? Did he always show more mercy and grace than judgment? Was your dad always there when you needed him? Did you feel close to Dad and trust him enough to share your heart with him? If you can’t say yes, then you are like many of us who find it hard to connect or trust or risk in a relationship. We hold our heart closed, even with God. Underneath our closed heart may lie a fear that if we risk running to God and He’s not there, then we’ll have no one else to turn to for help or salvation. My Dad wasn’t there and I could see him...how can I trust someone I can’t see?
Now that you’ve had a chance to reflect on these concepts, how do these feelings and beliefs coincide with what you believe about Father God?
Father God is our ultimate authority figure. It is not a great stretch to see that if our relationship with our dad was distant, unsafe, or shaming it becomes real easy to see God as an unsafe, uncaring, and harsh Father as well. Although this is a false belief, our hearts tell us differently!
As we look at our relationship with our parents, the goal is not to blame them for their shortcomings. Realistically, there are few parents who get up in the morning and say I’m intentionally going to mess up my kid’s life today! However, to the child who is at the receiving end of a parent’s woundedness, the hurt may seem very intentional. Those broken parts of our heart often prevent us from being the person we really want to be with our kids, family, friends and our Heavenly Father.
As children, we don’t have the perspective to understand the motives behind the actions which hurt us, so we judge the people and the circumstances by what we do understand - he is mean, he doesn’t care about me, he doesn’t love me, he can’t take care of me so I have to do it myself. We carry these judgments into adulthood and that becomes the grid we see others through...including our Father God. In those wounded parts of our adult heart, we are unable to see our earthly parents from an adult perspective and we continue to see them through the eyes of the child who was so hurt by neglect or abuse. When we see through the eyes of truth, our parents become responsible to the Lord for their sins and we are then free to be responsible for how our hearts responded to the ways they sinned against us.
Because of this, our first task is to challenge the lies we have believed and let go of unmet expectations from our relationship with our earthly parents. For us to be set free of the bondage to past hurts and wounds, we must take advantage of the gifts of forgiveness and repentance that the Lord has so mercifully given us. When we forgive those who have hurt us and repent for how we have judged them, we can experience the true love and healing of our Father God and come to see Him in a way we have not been able to before. The love of God never fails (1 Cor. 13:8)!
We begin the process by asking the Lord to show us what beliefs we are holding in our heart towards our earthly father that aren’t true? What core beliefs do we hold in our hearts with fear or bitterness that color the truth? (Hebrews 12:15) For example, the truth about a neglectful or uninvolved parent may be that they are wounded too and have decided to shield their heart from more hurt. The problem may not be that our father didn’t love us, it may be that he didn’t have enough access to his heart to understand that he was wounding us with his actions. When we sincerely ask the Lord to let us see our earthly father with truth and help us find a way to change our heart attitude towards him, our heavenly Father answers faithfully. (1 John 5:14-15) We can then respond by forgiving our parents for what they did that was hurtful, as well as for what they didn’t do. Many times it helps to grieve the loss of what we didn’t get, like acceptance, affirmation, protection, or provision. We ask forgiveness for judging our fathers, God, and any others who we felt failed us. When we forgive we let go of the hurt, anger, resentment we have in our heart and are set free to respond with the heart of the Father towards those who have hurt us. Just as a note, forgiveness does not mean re-establishing relationship with an abusive parent. It simply means we release them from any debt they owe us, emotional or physical.
Second, by faith we grab hold of the truth - understanding in our hearts that our Father God is totally for us. He sent His Son so we could be free from our sin, for salvation, and to daily live free from our past wounds and hurts. (John 3:16) He gave us His word as a guide to life. (John 1:14) If we follow His principles from the Bible, we can have the best life possible. We begin to understand how all things can work together for good and that our Heavenly Father is grieved when sin distances us.
He is completely safe! You can go to God without fear of rejection or condemnation. (Romans 8:1) He will always listen and not turn away. His arms are always open to receive us; we can always run to Him. We can make mistakes and not be judged for it.
He loves us unconditionally. We cannot do anything to cause Him to turn on us or shame us. He always has more mercy and grace than we can ever need. He is always there regardless of where we are or what we have done. We know these truths in our minds, and now we can move them to our hearts.
Third, we step out and invite God in. We can say God, I allow you to love me and to be a part of my life. More than anything, our God wants to have relationship with us, to love us, to daily be a part of our lives. (John 14:17) Scripture says there will come a day when we can worship Him in Spirit and in Truth – the truth of who He really is, aside from the ways we have learned to see him through our woundedness. (John 4:23-24) Once we receive this truth in the heart, it can bring us to our knees in awe and love for a caring, saving and loving Father.
It is good to process through these long held beliefs with a trusted friend, counselor or pastor. It is hard to heal ourselves, which is why scripture says in James 5:16, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.” (NAS)
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