There are three stages in the cycle, each fueled by the denial of both parties involved. Some of this denial can be seen in mothers and/or fathers who don't think that their children are effected by the abuse that goes on, they aren't effected by seeing their primary caregiver hit, called names or disrespected to the point of tears. Other places of denial can be found in addictions, self blame, minimizing what is happening within the relationship. I hear the comment that "he only hit me once".....isn't once enough? Or, "if he does it again, I'm going to leave"....why does he have to do it again, didn't this time count? Those are the most obvious places of denial, but it exists in more covert forms as well. Victims of abuse deny their own power in saying no.....they give in to isolation or control because it is "easier" to do so, or because it "keeps the peace".
The first stage is the tension building phase. In this stage the victim may deny what is happening and excuse behavior as coming from some outside stress like work; she will blame herself for her abuser's behavior and deny that the abuse will worsen. The abuser denies by blaming the tension on the victim, work, the traffic, the children or anything that might serve as a plausible reason for the behavior....getting drunk denies responsibility for the actions taken. This stage is filled with minimizing and justifying behavior.
At this point the abuser is moody, nitpicking and he attempts to isolate the victim. He withdraws affection, yells, puts down, drinks, threatens, destroys property, criticizes, is sullen and is overall rather crazy making. The victim's response to the tension that builds is filled with attempts to calm the abuser, nurturing him, staying away from family and friends, keeping the kids quiet, agreeing with him, withdrawing, many attempts at reasoning with him, cooking his favorite dinner and just a general feeling of walking on eggshells. Abuse victims hesitate to place the responsibility where it belongs because they are becoming uncertain of their own judgments....perhaps the abuser is right, perhaps it is me. If I was just a better wife, a better daughter or son....perhaps if I just get dinner on the table when he wants it he won't get mad...if I dress a certain way, have sex every time he wants it....if I just do those things he'll be happy. Unfortunately the victim begins taking on responsibility for the feelings and behavior of the abuser and in all reality, the victim cannot control those things...only the abuser can.
The second stage is the explosion. At this point the abuser has reacted, whether it be violently or has emotionally or verbally wounded the victim and then mocked her for feeling hurt. This is the event that encapsulates the most destruction whether it be hitting, choking, beating, humiliation, imprisonment, rape, verbal abuse or destroying pets or property. The victim usually responds by protecting herself any way she can, police may be called either by herself, her children or a neighbor and again there may be many attempts to calm the abuser or reason with him. In some cases the victim may fight back or even leave. Even if she does leave, in this phase the victim will probably deny any injuries she has received, calling them minor and saying "I bruise easily" or "I ran into a door", "it wasn't that bad". If the injuries are not physical, the victim finds it more difficult to identify the wounding as injury so minimizes it and tries not to feel the hurt. She denies it by blaming the tension on work or minimizing what happened because it didn't require police or medical help. If drinking was involved the excuse of "He didn't know what he was doing" is often heard or a wife doesn't label sexual assault as rape because it was her husband. The abuser will always blame what happened on the victim, on stress...anything but taking responsibility for what happened.
The third stage is the honeymoon phase. This phase is characterized by the abuser profusely apologizing, begging forgiveness and adding promises to get counseling, go to church, go to AA, send flowers etc. He will promise never to do it again, declare his love for the victim, cry and even enlist the support of the family if the victim decides to leave. In most cases, the victim will agree to stay or take him back, attempt to stop any legal processes that have been put into place, set up counseling appointments for him and end up feeling happy and hopeful about the future. She will often minimize the injuries at that point, saying it could have been worse, she believes this is the way it will stay, she now has the man of her dreams and she believes his promises to change. Interestingly enough, the abuser also believes that it won't happen again....until it does.
This cycle repeats over and over. With each cycle, the intensity will usually increase and the length of the honeymoon phase will decrease. The end result can be one of several outcomes....1) the victim will leave, 2) the victim stays and her will and self esteem becomes so worn down that she doesn't protest against the control and domination, she just accepts it...becoming more depressed and more lost as time goes by, or 3) the victim is killed or critically injured.
Often victims stay in these types of relationships because they lack the strength of personal identity and value. An abuse victim loses the will to fight back and their confidence becomes so eroded that they question their own thought processes and give in to whatever the abuser wants, mainly because it is more safe to do so. Yes, there are those women who will fight back, but when both sides are violent the home becomes a war zone for any children who may reside there.
The key to breaking the cycle is found in breaking the pattern that has developed within the relationship. A victim who has lost her value and her identity will need help and support in regaining her perspective. That error in perspective may have been what allowed her to get into the relationship to begin with so patience is needed in the long journey back. Abuse counselors are effective in helping victims take their lives back and become confident in themselves and their decisions again. Personal identity is a major source of strength when recovering from abuse of any kind. Understanding who you are, regaining your voice and becoming the person that you want to be can help heal years of abuse and provide hope for the future. Abuse steals those things away from its victims and even though it may seem like the right thing to do when choosing to stay, the price is incredibly high.
I am often asked if abusive and/or violent men have the capacity to change. As human beings, I believe we all have the capacity to change and grow. However the question is not do they have the capacity to change is are they motivated to change? Does this person even understand what kind of work it is going to take to deal with the issues that have made them abusive to begin with? The road back from being an abuser takes much more than self will and determination. It means taking a long hard look at yourself, your family dynamics and the patterns in the home where you grew up as well as accepting complete responsibility for the actions that have been taken. It means developing a heart of empathy that truly understands the destruction that has been perpetrated on the victims and truly repenting of those actions. Women make the mistake of believing that an abuser will change overnight...that they have the capacity to make these fundamental changes in their lives without outside help. They also make the mistake of believing that they need to stay and help their abuser to heal. If an angry and/or violent person truly wants healing, they will take the steps necessary to find help, they won't ask their victims to do it for them. They will commit to a process that will go on whether the victim stays in their life or not; because they know that they need the help and truly want to become a better person. They realize that their present relationship may be irretrievably broken due to their actions and accept responsibility for that. If a victim understands these things, they will know that the person cannot change just by saying they will.
Denial is the devil's dessert after a meal of your soul
Emotionally healthy relationships allow both individuals to grow, the relationship sustains life and provides a platform from which each draws support. If your relationship does not give you life, it should be re-evaluated. There are those who will stay in a destructive relationship because the thought of being alone is more traumatizing than the negative connection that they presently have. Although no one likes to be alone or wants to be alone, loneliness is more a state that one passes through than a place where one lives.
If I can encourage you at all, I'd like to leave you with this thought: The world looks more hopeless from within an abusive relationship than it truly is outside of it.
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