How Can You Tell if Someone is Lying?

If you want to know how to spot someone who is being dishonest, just ask any mother! Often you hear moms say, "you have a neon sign on your forehead that tells me you're lying!", or I've got eyes in the back of my head...I always know what you're doing!" How many of us have ever heard those things? Well, if you don't have an extra eye or are unable to notice that neon sign, there are other ways to gather clues about someone who is being dishonest.

The first thing to bear in mind is what kind of a person you are dealing with. When dealing with people who lie, they often fall into one of 4 categories, according to Jo-Ellan Dimitrius, Ph.D. Dr. Dimitrius wrote a book called "Reading People" and she says that people are either occasional, frequent, habitual or professional liars. If you are dealing with someone who is an occasional or even a frequent liar, their body language is usually a good indicator of whether they are telling the truth or not. These individuals don't practice being dishonest and they usually know they are being dishonest when they tell a lie and that makes them uncomfortable about what they are doing. These individuals can telegraph their dishonesty by fidgeting, a change in their voice tone or inflection, signs of nervousness, sweating, shaking, leaning forward or inappropriate familiarity such as back slapping or getting too close (invading personal space). Shifting or wandering eyes are also signs of dishonesty.

In looking for these clues, it is important to look at the person in the context of who they are, their character and what their normal patterns of communication happen to be. That is why mother's are so good at catching their children in lies....they know their children and they know how they normally communicate. A person who is being truthful is usually calm and has a relaxed manner about them. Even if they are being asked difficult questions, their delivery doesn't change a lot from their normal communication style. When a person launches into dishonest communication, they may act differently, pause when they normally wouldn't pause or their speech may become more rapid, heart rate and breathing increases. It used to be thought that if a person looked up and to the right they were calling on memory, but if they looked up and to the left in a conversation it meant they were lying. That is not necessarily so...if you look up and to the left, you are drawing on creative processes of expression and those can be truthful as well as untruthful. Try it for yourself.....sit still for a minute and then move your eyes up and to the right. How does that feel? What kinds of thoughts are you getting? Do the same to the left....there is a difference in feeling isn't there? To me, looking up and to the left feels more like I'm trying to construct something, figure out how to explain myself.

Habitual and professional liars are much more difficult to spot. The most obvious reason for that would be that they lie so often that they may not realize they are doing it or that it becomes natural for them. Pathological liars (professional liars) have perfected dishonesty to an art and it is often very difficult to detect a lie without some corroborating evidence, or detecting some slight flaw in their stories. They have no problem maintaining eye contact and are calm, cool and collected as they spin their stories. When you add a lack of conscience to the mix you are dealing with a very, very dangerous person.

Things to remember are that people can become nervous when confronted. Confrontation is a form of communication which can bring on a level of dishonesty, especially if the person is uncomfortable with conflict. The thing to pay attention to in these situations is the consistency or inconsistency of the nervousness or defensiveness. If an individual is consistently nervous over the course of a difficult conversation, that would weigh on the side of an honest person who is simply nervous.

There are no set of behaviors that can be trusted as being foolproof, but the more you learn about people and the more you observe them, the better you will get at it. Of course, there is intuition and when all else fails, there is always mom! To learn more about this subject, get a copy of the book "Reading People" by Jo-Ellan Dimitrius, PhD.

Internet Dating

There is a special place in my heart for the subject of internet dating relationships. I have seen examples from both sides of the spectrum, but for the most part, I have to say that the internet is not the place to meet potential partners. If I had a nickel for every couple that I've seen in my office with significant issues who met over the internet, I'd probably have a couple dollars. However with that said, there are some important things to consider before using the internet as a relationship tool.

First of all, communication over the internet is not complete. Complete communication involves speaking, hearing, intuition, body language, voice inflection and other non verbal aspects that are too numerous to mention. With the internet you get written communication which in reality is only better than no communication at all.

Secondly, the internet provides a large universe of dishonesty. People can be anything they want on a website or in an email and it is often very difficult to see through some of the predatory tools that are used to lure women (sorry ladies but its mostly women) into relationships. Individuals with certain personality disorders like narcissism, or anti social are very, very adept at appearing to be something they are not and keeping the image going over time....even to the point where you meet them in person.

Thirdly, Christian internet chat rooms are no guarantee that the people in them are emotionally healthy or even Christians. Just because you meet someone in a room that is labeled "Christian" really means nothing. Someone with no conscience would have no trouble going to those types of internet sites to prey on women simply because people there may be more trusting than in other arenas. These individuals are called "predators" for very good reasons and in all reality there are many more of them out there than anyone would like to imagine.

The truth is that good quality relationships, for the most part, are going to be found the old fashioned way. It is a much better means of judging character and integrity than through the written page. There is no guarantee that people won't be fooled by con artists, but there are much better odds when you can see someone face to face than when you can't! This is one of the reasons that I find these sites so predatory to young people. They don't even have life experience to fall back on.

So, in closing, if you are going to use the internet as a relationship tool, at least don't make the initial part of the relationship online. And here is another tip that I'll just throw in for free.......don't end a relationship, argue or try to solve an interpersonal problem through text or email. Everyone involved needs the full spectrum of quality communication in order to deal with the emotional problems in their lives...those kinds of things are best left to face to face communication.

Happy communicating everyone!