Co-Dependence or as it is otherwise known, Enabling

Today, I have a question from someone who is trying to identify the characteristics of a co-dependent loved one. Co-dependence within a marriage can look like enabling someone to continue in an undesirable behavior, or within a family it can interfere with the couples ability to be truly independent and complete the individuation process. Sometimes as parents, we don't realize when we are being co-dependent with our grown children, but it is something that needs to be talked about.
The question is:
"Hi - I've been dealing with serious difficulties in my marriage over the three years since the wedding. My wife is extremely inconsistent and emotional. After much work, I'm feeling as though my wife may have codependence issues from her family of origin and other relationships. Could you give a description of what types of general behaviours could be expected and how a person may act if they are codependent, but not in a codependent relationship?"
Even the best parents, out of a sense of love and caring may step over boundaries that they shouldn't. An honoring relationship doesn't take out of the hands of a competent person that which they can do for themselves, or should do for themselves. When we have trouble seeing someone we love struggle, it is important to ask ourselves why we want to help. Is it to relieve our own angst or because the other person truly needs help?
Studies have been done on children who have been born naturally and those that were born through a Cesarean section. Oddly enough, those who didn't have to struggle to be born are often more lay back and don't have as strong a desire to struggle through problems in order to achieve their goals. Interesting, huh?
The answer to the above question may shed some light on this subject:
"I'd be happy to share with you what I know about codependency. In what I'm about to tell you, it is important to know that even though these behaviors may be annoying, the person is not bad. Codependent people have learned these behaviors in order to survive through childhood and have depended on them in order to protect themselves. Sometimes women learn these behaviors because they believe they are feminine and that is what it means to be a lady. Other times, they have learned this behavior as a means to get their needs met. Whatever the reason is, it was legitimate at the time, in the circumstances where it was learned. When the person then changes their circumstances, the behavior doesn't work well anymore. It's like learning your lines to be in a play. You learn what to say, when to say it and where to say your lines. If you are then put in another play, those lines won't work, the marks you hit don't match and it becomes a mess if you don't learn new lines and new ways of behaving.

People who are codependent tend to feel responsible for others. They believe that they have control over what someone else feels, thinks, the choices they make, their well being and perhaps even their destiny. These are the abused women who fully believe that if they just change their behavior, how they act, what they say and what they feel, their abusers will be happy. These are the children who believe that if they are just better boys and girls, mommy will be happy and everything will be right with the world.

These folks will feel guilty when other people have problems and feel compelled to help that person solve the problem. They give advice, unasked for suggestions and try to "fix" everything. They also feel rejected when their "help" doesn't work or their advice isn't taken. They try to anticipate other people's needs and meet those needs and then wonder why others don't do that for them.

Codependent individuals say yes when they want to say no and get roped into doing things they don't want to do, or do more than their part. They usually don't know what they want or need and put others needs before their own consistently. This is a self worth issue. They work to please others at their own expense.

They can do much for others, but are unable to accept help or gifts or even compliments for themselves and they feel the most safe when they are giving to others. They will get very upset when another person experiences some kind of injustice, but are not so upset when they themselves are treated badly.

They are attracted to needy people and find that needy people are
attracted to them. Life tends to be boring if they aren't in a crisis, or have a problem to solve. Solving problems gives them self esteem. When someone needs them, they will drop what they are doing and respond. They over-commit themselves and often feel pressured, but at the same time, they relish the pressure because it shows others they are working hard to solve a problem.

Although they may not admit this, there is a deep down feeling that others are responsible for them, they blame others for not being responsible for them, blame others for the way they feel and say other people make them crazy. They often feel angry, victimized, unappreciated and used.

Other people often become impatient or angry with them because of these characteristics.

You can find more information about codependency in a book called Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. These characteristics and more are listed in that book and it gives you a very well rounded perspective of a codependent person as well as ways to heal from codependency.

I hope this information helps to answer your question. If your wife is willing to go to counseling, she would benefit from that as this issue is very difficult to deal with on your own. These behaviors are the safety measures that have been put in place over time and fear will keep her locked in to them. Someone will need to walk this journey with her and a counselor is more able to hold her accountable than you are. It would not be advisable for you to fill that role."
Have a great day everyone! We're in the middle of a pouring rainstorm here. Looks like summer may be a few more weeks off!