Can He Change?

The question of whether a person can change or not is a very common one when working with difficult and/or abusive relationships.  It's one of the first questions that comes out of a spouse's mouth, simply because it is a huge deal breaker if the conclusion is reached that the person you care about can't or won't change. As compassionate human beings, we want to believe the best about another individual; especially about the person we have committed our lives to.

As relationships reach critical mass, one person usually begins to evaluate the pros and cons of what is happening, trying to come up with a game plan.  During this phase, the question "can this person change" inevitably comes to the surface.  Unfortunately this is the wrong question to ask.  The more appropriate question would be "will this person change?".  No matter who we are, as human beings we have the capacity to change things about ourselves, where we live, what we do for a career, how we choose to behave and even how we choose to feel given any particular situation.  The question then becomes will we?  

In 1982, James Prochaska and Carlo Diclemente developed a model of change. This model seems to reflect a very good "road map" of how the human being relates to change and how they navigate through it.  The authors make a case that it is quite normal for people to require several trips through the five stages to make lasting change. So in this sense relapse is viewed as a normal part of the change process, as opposed to a complete failure.  This is a good way to look at the process and it gives us the basic idea that change is a process as well as being more complicated than simply making a decision to go from one behavior to another.  Their original road map suggests that there are 5 basic steps that need to be made in order to get from a place where you are even thinking about the consideration being presented, to the place where you have completed the tasks and have made the desired change.  Since then they have expanded to 6 steps, but for the sake of this article, we will consider the original 5.   Sounds simple right?  Not so much.....just ask anyone who has tried to stay on a diet, or made a new year resolution to exercise more.  Just making a decision doesn't always work.


The ability to make a change depends on several factors.  First, it will depend on whether the person making the change is flexible or rigid in their thinking patterns.  People who are structured or rigid find it very difficult to cope with change.   The ease with which we change also depends on how deep seated our behavioral patterns are and how strong our belief systems are.  For example, a person may find it very easy to change the route by which they come home from work on a daily basis, but might find it more difficult to discontinue stopping by the grocery store to pick up a beer if that has been their pattern with every job they have had since they were young.  The Christmas holiday is another very good example.  Families usually share the Christmas holiday with each other each year according to traditions that have been established over many years.  What happens to the family when the kids grow up, develop families of their own and those family traditions are challenged?  There are some in the family who will adapt, they can accept the change...then there are those who are more inflexible in their thinking and require those traditions to remain the same.  


So, how does this effect the abusive relationship?  Most abusive patterns are deeply ingrained and sometimes are even a part of the abuser's personality.  Abuse that is passed down from generation to generation is a learned pattern, a conditioning that not only appeals to a person's habit patterns but affects their thought processes and belief systems.  Abusive patterns are fueled by fear and enabled by denial which makes them very difficult to change.  Often, an abuser creates a point of crisis by their behavior patterns resulting in a decision by the other person in their life to leave.  They will then decide that what they did was wrong and express that it will never happen again.  Unfortunately it isn't nearly as simple as that, but the abuser is sincere in the moment and expresses to the victim what they want to hear so the crisis passes until the next time and no change is effected.  


So what are these stages, you ask?  I will list them below in the order that they occur.  Please be aware that these stages are fluid and individuals often go back and forth between them many times before getting through the cycle.

• PRECONTEMPLATION STAGE. We enter the stages of change from a state of precontemplation-- during which the idea of change is not seriously considered.   It is in this stage that we find the abuse victim consistently asking the abuser to change their behavior.  Often victims will describe the abuser in this stage by saying things like, it's like they don't even hear me....he doesn't hear a word I say....
• CONTEMPLATIVE STAGE Secondly we contemplate the need for change; but take no active steps.   This is the place where abuse victims find themselves after the abuse has happened and the individual has promised to change.  They think about it, but there is no action taken.  Many victims confuse this stage for the action stage and they are very different.  This stage is all about talk and this is often the stage where most abusers stay.  Victims must learn to identify this stage because if they don't, their circumstances will not change until the abuser decides to move forward.  The cycle of abuse, which I have written about in previous blog entries revolves around this second stage of change and often does not move out of it.
• DETERMINATION STAGE Thirdly we determine to take action. eg we buy walking shoes, join a gym or discover a local swimming pool, but we take no action.  As it applies to abuse, what we see in this stage might be the abuser looking for a counselor, but not ever making an appointment; talking about going to an AA meeting or getting rid of the alcohol in the house but keeps purchasing it.  This is movement forward that gives hope to the abuse victim, but should not be looked at as concrete evidence that the person has change, because they haven't.
• ACTION STAGE Then action is initiated. We walk regularly; go to that gym, have eggs instead of muesli for breakfast ......This is actual action that is being taken to solve whatever the problem might be.  The person actually attends the AA meetings, goes to the counseling sessions, shows concerted effort to stop swearing, getting angry.  This gives more hope to the victim and is a good sign that the abuser may be taking the situation seriously enough to make the changes that need to be made.
• MAINTENANCE STAGE Finally the action is maintained for several weeks. But most having maintained the change, whether in diet, smoking habit, exercise or whatever, will sooner or later fail and revert to the first or second stage. Then comes the verdict that is most helpful; namely TO FAIL IS NORMAL!!!  Unfortunately this is true and when we look at it through the eyes of failing at a diet or failing to quit smoking it is a rather benign failure and we can pick ourselves up and start over again with the support of our loved ones. 

However, and I put a real emphasis on that word....abuse, especially physical abuse, falls into a very different category.   These stages of change are very real and when applied to the category of abuse, we have to weigh in factors of safety for the victim and for any children in the situation.  Can he change?  The answer is yes.  Will he change? Statistics show a very low percentage of abusers who make it past the Contemplative or Determination stage.  Moving past these two stages is a matter of free will....we always have the choice but we may not always choose to do the work that it will take to be successful or achieve the goal.  The question then becomes, do I stay or go?  With that question, we have to consider safety, both physically and emotionally.  Is it safe to stay?  If there is physical or sexual abuse, no....absolutely not.  Depending on the level of emotional, verbal or spiritual abuse, that is a personal decision but the person has to weigh the destructive effect on the self esteem and inappropriate modeling of behavior, trauma effects etc. in the light of day rather than making excuses, minimizing or denying the effects. It is also important to assess how many times you have been through the pattern and make a choice as to how many more times you want to go around the mountain.  The truth is, anyone can move through the stages of change and they don't need their abuse victim to be part of the process.  In fact it is NOT appropriate to ask an abuse victim to be the emotional support of their abuser as s/he moves through the stages of change.   Change is a personal decision brought on by personal motivation.  Any victim who believes that they are in any way a part of that change is kidding themselves.  Relationship breakdown is a normal consequence of abuse.  Victims do not have to be and should not be in the lives of their abusers in order for the abusers to heal and change.  I know that sounds harsh, and I also know that individuals can heal certain wounds in relationship to other people, but those people do not have to be the very ones who have been abused by them.  The risk is too great and the cost is too high when failure occurs.
                                                                                                                                           

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Abuse In Marriage As It Pertains to Christians

I don't usually publish whole articles in my blog posts, but since I am getting so many questions about this subject right now, I am going to post the contents of an article written in Christianity Today (October, 2007, author David Instone-Brewer) that I'm sure will answer a lot of questions regarding the idea of staying in an abusive relationship. There are so many Christian women who have believed (and for good reason) that it is imperative to stay in an abusive relationship because God hates divorce and that divorce is a sin. This article is like a breath of fresh air and really puts abusive relationships in perspective. Please feel free to share this with any and all women who need to understand this crucial and foundational portion of scripture:
I WAS BEING INTERVIEWED for what would be my first church pastorate, and I was nervous and unsure what to expect. The twelve deacons sat in a row in front of me and took turns asking questions, which I answered as clearly as I could. All went smoothly until they posed this question: "What is your position on divorce and remarriage? Would you remarry a divorcee or divorced man?" I didn't know if this was a trick question or an honest one. There might have been a deep-seated pastoral need behind it, or it might have been a test of my orthodoxy. Either way, I didn't think I could summarize my view in one sentence; when I thought about it further, I couldn't decide exactly what my view was. I gave a deliberately vague reply. "Every case should be judged on its own merits." . It worked; I got the job. But I made a mental note to study the subject of divorce, and to do it quickly. It's a good thing I did.  As it turned out, I was surrounded by people who needed answers to questions raised by divorce and remarriage. My Baptist church was located near an Anglican congregation and two Catholic churches. Divorced men and women from these congregations came asking if we would conduct their weddings, having been denied in their local churches. Then I found that some of my deacons had been divorced and remarried. Should I throw them out of church leadership? If I did, I would lose people I considered some of the most spiritual in the church, people with exemplary Christian homes and marriages.
The New Testament presents a problem in understanding both what the text says about divorce and its pastoral implications.  Jesus appears to say that divorce is allowed only if adultery has occurred: "Whoever divorces a wife, except for sexual indecency, and remarries, commits adultery" (Matt. 19:9).However, this
has been interpreted in many different ways. Most say that Jesus allows divorce only for adultery. But some argue that Jesus originally didn't allow even that. Only in Matthew does he offer an out from marriage: "except for sexual indecency." Beyond what Jesus says, Paul also allows divorce. He permits it for abandonment
by a nonbeliever (1 Cor. 7:12-15). Many theologians add this as a second ground for divorce.
Yet some pastors have found this teaching difficult to accept, because it seems so impractical-even cruel in certain situations. It suggests there can be no divorce for physical or emotional abuse, and Paul even seems to forbid separation (1 Cor. 7:10). As a result, some Christians quietly ignore this seemingly "impractical" biblical teaching or find ways around it. For example, they suggest that when Jesus talked about "sexual immorality," perhaps he included other things like abuse. Or when Paul talked about abandonment by a nonbeliever, perhaps he included any behavior that is not supportive of the marriage or abandonment by anyone who is acting like a nonbeliever. Many have welcomed such stretching of Scripture because they couldn't accept what they believed the text apparently said. But does the literal text mean what we think it does?
While doing doctoral studies at Cambridge, I likely read every surviving writing of the rabbis of Jesus' time. I "got inside their heads" enough to begin to understand them. When I began working as a pastor and was confronted almost immediately with divorced men and women who wanted to remarry, my first response was
to re-read the Bible. I'd read the biblical texts on divorce many times in the past, but I found something strange as I did so again. They now said something I hadn't heard before I read the rabbis!
'ANY CAUSE' DIVORCE'
The texts hadn't changed, but my knowledge of the language and culture in which they were written had. I was now reading them like a first -century Jew would have read them, and this time those confusing passages made more sense. My book, Divorce and Remarriage in the Church, is a summary of several academic papers and books I began writing with this new understanding of what Jesus taught.
One of my most dramatic findings concerns a question the Pharisees asked Jesus: "Is it lawful to divorce a wife for any cause?" (Matt. 19:3). This question reminded me that a few decades before Jesus, some rabbis (the Hillelites) had invented a new form of divorce called the "any cause" divorce. By the time of Jesus, this "any cause" divorce had become so popular that almost no one relied on the literal Old Testament.
The "any cause" divorce was invented from a single word in Deuteronomy 24:1.  Moses allowed divorce for "a cause of immorality," or more literally, "a thing of nakedness." Most Jews recognized that this unusual phrase was talking about adultery. But the Hillelite rabbis wondered why Moses had added the word "thing" or "cause" when he only needed to use the word "immorality." They decided this extra word implied another ground for divorce - divorce for "a cause." They argued that anything, including a burnt meal or wrinkles not there when you married your wife, could be a cause! The text, they said, taught that divorce was allowed both for adultery and for "any cause."
This single phrase that referred to no type of divorce "except immorality"-and therefore the new "any cause" divorces were invalid. These opposing views were well known to all first-century Jews. And the Pharisees wanted to know where Jesus stood. "Is it lawful to divorce your wife for any cause?" they asked. In other words: "Is it lawful for us to use the 'any cause' divorce?" When Jesus answered with a resounding no, he wasn't condemning "divorce for any cause," but rather the newly invented "any cause" divorce. Jesus agreed firmly with the second group that the phrase didn't mean divorce was allowable for "immorality" and for "any cause," but that Deutermonomy 24:1 referred to no type of divorce "except immorality." This was a shocking statement for the crowd and for the disciples. It meant they couldn't get a divorce whenever they wanted it - there had to be a lawful cause. It also meant that virtually every divorced man or women was not really divorced.
Luke and Matthew summarized the whole debate in one sentence: Any divorced person who remarried was committing adultery (Matt. 5:32;Luke 16:18),because they were still married. The fact that they said "any divorced person" instead of "virtually all divorced people" is typical Jewish hyperbole - like Mark saying that "everyone" in Jerusalem came to be baptized by John (Mark 1:5).  It may not be obvious to us, but their first readers understood clearly what they meant. Within a few decades, however, no one understood these terms any more. Language often changes quickly (as I found out when my children first heard the Flintstones sing about "a gay old time"). The early church, and even Jewish rabbis, forgot what the "any cause" divorce was, because soon after the days of Jesus, it became the only type of divorce on offer. It was simply called divorce. This meant that when Jesus condemned "divorce for 'any cause,' " later generations thought he meant "divorce for any cause."
Now that we know what Jesus did reject, we can also see what he didn't reject. He wasn't rejecting the Old Testament- he was rejecting a faulty Jewish interpretation of the Old Testament. He defended the true meaning of Deuteronomy 24:1. And there is one other surprising thing he didn't reject: Jesus didn't reject the other ground for divorce in the old Testament, which all Jews accepted. Although the church forgot the other cause for divorce, every Jew in Jesus' day knew about Exodus 21:10-11, which allowed divorce for neglect.
Before rabbis introduced the "any cause" divorce, this was probably the most common type. Exodus says that everyone, even a slave wife, had three rights within marriage; the rights to food, clothing, and love. If these were neglected, the wronged spouse had the right to seek freedom from that marriage. Even women could, and did, get divorces for neglect-though the man still had to write out the divorce certificate. Rabbis said he had to do it voluntarily, so if he resisted, the courts had him beaten till he volunteered!
These three rights became the basis of Jewish marriage vows - we find them listed in marriage certificates discovered near the Dead Sea. In later Jewish and Christian marriages, the language became more formal, such as "love, honor, and keep." These vows, together with a vow of sexual faithfulness, have always been the basis for marriage. Thus, the vows we make when we marry correspond directly to the biblical grounds for divorce. The three provisions of food, clothing, and love were understood literally by the Jews. The wife had to cook and sew, while the husband provided food and materials, or money. They both had to provide the emotional support of marital love, though they could abstain from sex for short periods. Paul taught the same thing. He said that married couples owed each other love (1 Cor. 7:3-5) and material support (1 Cor. 7:33-34). He didn't say that neglect of these rights was the basis of divorce because he didn't need to - it was stated on the marriage certificate. Anyone who was neglected, in terms of emotional support or physical support, could legally claim a divorce.
Divorce for neglect included divorce for abuse, because this was extreme neglect. There was no question about that end of the spectrum of neglect, but what about the other end? What about abandonment, which was merely a kind of passive neglect? This was an uncertain matter, so Paul deals with it. He says to all believers that they may not abandon their partners, and if they have done so, they should return (1 Cor.
7:10-11).
In the case of someone who is abandoned by an unbeliever - someone who won't obey the command to return - he says that the abandoned person is "no longer bound." Anyone in first-century Palestine reading this phrase would think immediately of the wording at the end of all Jewish, and most Roman, divorce certificates: "You are free to marry anyone you wish."
Putting all this together gives us a clear and consistent set of rules for divorce and remarriage. Divorce is only allowed for a limited number of grounds that are found in the Old Testament and affirmed in the New Testament:

• Adultery (in Deuteronomy 24:1, affirmed by Jesus in Matthew 19)

• Emotional and physical neglect (in Exodus 21:10-11, affirmed by Paul in 1Corinthians 7)

• Abandonment and abuse (included in neglect, as affirmed in 1Corinthians 7)

Jewish couples listed these biblical grounds for divorce in their marriage vows. We reiterate them as love, honor, and keep and be faithful to each other. When these vows were broken, it threatened to break up the marriage. As in any broken contract, the wronged party had the right to say, "I forgive you; let's carry on," or, "I can't go on, because this marriage is broken." Therefore, while divorce should never happen, God allows it (and subsequent remarriage) when your partner breaks the marriage vows.
Reading the Bible and ancient Jewish documents side-by-side helped me understand much more of the Bible's teaching about divorce and marriage, not all of which I can summarize here. Dusty scraps of parchment rescued from synagogue rubbish rooms, desert caves, and neglected scholarly collections shone fresh light on the New Testament. Theologians who have long felt that divorce should be allowed for abuse and abandonment may be vindicated. And, more importantly, victims of broken marriages can see that God's law is both practical and loving.

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Recovering a Marriage After Abuse

When people write to me about abusive relationships, usually they are seeking advice regarding how to save the relationship. As long as there is hope for a better future, individuals are willing to put up with a lot of difficulty in the present. This is especially prevalent in faith based relationships because there is an underlying faith in God to make the situation better. Hope is what keeps us going, it offers possibilities and it is the main ingredient to having faith. So with that in mind, how do we apply faith and hope in an abusive situation?
As with any relationship, it is essential that both parties be committed to doing whatever it takes to make things right, to build trust and to heal the hearts of those involved. In abusive relationships that is just as much an ingredient, if not more so. Usually what we find in these kinds of relationships are abusers who refuse to change, don't see the need to change or aren't taking responsibility for their actions and on the other side we find the victim who is excusing or denying the abuse for reasons of self preservation or self image/identity issues.
In faith based relationships it is important to understand that it is never God's will for abuse to be taking place, however because man has free will, as long as an individual is willing to be abusive, the abuse will go on. That is why it is important to incorporate the practical into these situations as well as having faith. For healing to occur, there must be a true heart change in the abuser as well as in the victim. I say true heart change because all too often when the victim has had enough and is able to leave the relationship, the abuser will resort to manipulation in order to convince the victim to stay. That is not a true heart change. A true heart change results in a behavior that is called "restitution". Restitution is a scriptural principle as well as a legal one and it is one that requires the offending party to do whatever is necessary to restore the victim to wholeness. When restitution is the result of a heart change, you see it as a willingness which springs out of empathy in the heart of the offender. When the offender is able to understand from a heart level what they have done to their victim, they will offer whatever they can do for as long as it takes to make it right and it is often their own idea. That and nothing less is what restores the heart of an abused spouse.
The following question came to me which illustrates this principle quite well:
"I married an impulsive angry abuser. He was only abusive during arguments, not on a daily basis...however, I experienced physical, emotional and verbal abuse for 3 years of our marriage. I asked for divorce, but he promised he would change....and has. For the last year, he has been a different person. Our marriage is better than ever...except one area: I'm still healing. He thinks I should just get over it and becomes very defensive anytime the past is brought up. There are occasions where I am reminded of an abusive event. If I bring it up, he gets angry. He says that I'm throwing it in his face. Am I wrong to think that in order for me to completely heal, I need to talk about what happened? And am I wrong to think that he should take responsibility for what happened, apologize again, and reassure me that it will never happen again? When he reacts this way, it hurts just as much as it did when it happened the first time. It feels like it's never going to go away."
Do you see how the absence of restitution has affected this woman? Although the man seems to have worked very hard to change his behavior, the heart hasn't kept pace and she can feel it. As human beings we are body, soul and spirit, therefore we can't just change one part of us, (in this instance behavior) and not change in other parts of our humanity. Check out my answer:
"It is disappointing when people who are abusive do not take responsibility for their actions. No, you are not wrong in thinking he should take responsibility and do whatever it takes to restore your heart. That is called restitution and it is a very important part of the healing process. It rebuilds trust and lets the abuse victim know that there has been a true heart change.

My suggestion to you would be to seek out an abuse counselor and work out your healing process with that person. If you have a local women's center, they would be a good resource for you as often there are abuse counselors who volunteer their time for people such as yourself. Women are verbal and we process out loud. Men do not process that way, they process internally. In order to meet your need to talk, a counselor may be your best option. You are not going to be able to just "get over it". That is an irrational stance to take and shows a lack of understanding with regard to what his behavior has done to you.

Your husband still has some issues and counseling might be an option for him as well, if he is open to that. He seems to be responding out of shame and/or guilt and that needs to be healed as well."
I often refer abused women to their local women's centers because it is hard to tell what kind of financial resources they have and these centers usually provide assistance for little to no cost.
The bottom line when looking at domestic violence is the safety of the individuals involved as well as whether one or both of the participants are willing to change in order to save the relationship. If only one is willing to change, the odds of recovery are often slim to none.

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Men Can Also Be The Victims of Abuse

Although most of us are more familiar with the domestic violence situation where the male counterpart is the violent or emotional abuser, men can be the victims of abuse and domestic violence as well. 835,000 men are assaulted by intimate partners every year in the United States, as compared to 1.3 million women.
The problem with intimate partner violence against men is that males find it a very shameful thing to talk about so they often suffer in silence. Although most domestic violence organizations and Women's Centers in the local communities are very open to domestic violence victims of both sexes, these organizations are somewhat biased towards women, simply because it is the female population they serve most often. Men find it very difficult to go to them for help. Unless men take the initiative to find a personal counselor who can help them, they often feel a certain level of helplessness and shame as they continue in their relationships with abusive women.
The following question came to me which illustrates this situation very well.
"I am a very confused man. I was married to my second wife in July of 2009 after being on my own for 6 years raising my son. By August my new wife stopped having anything to do with me and moved out in February. Those 7 months were very stressful as she wouldn’t talk to me, she wasn’t interested in counseling, etc. In March she contacted me and asked if we could work on our marriage and I was very open to doing so. Since then, there have been 3 other times when we start to work on our marriage and then she suddenly shuts me out for weeks and then sends me an email saying how nasty I am.

In the last round she hacked into my FB account and read and email that I wrote to a lady in our church who is a good friend and had also been in an abusive relationship. I was seeking her advice and guidance and in my email I stated how I wanted my marriage to work that I was glad we were going to counseling but that I would guard my heart this time because of the past history. My wife felt totally betrayed because I did say that I was in an abusive relationship even though I did say that I was hopeful that counseling could help us.
My wife (who lives in another town) sent me an email after reading what I wrote saying how I betrayed her trust by talking to another woman about what I was going through. I’ve also talked to a counselor and my pastor and some other good friends about the situation as well. They are all concerned that I am in a relationship that is so volatile.

I love my wife but I am afraid of her. If she gets mad for any reason she shuts me out for weeks or months and always ends up sending me an email saying our marriage is over. I’m trying very hard to get over this last round and nasty email because it just hurts so much and I’m so afraid that if I do or say anything wrong I’ll get emotionally shut out if we do get back together.
My wife admits she is very jealous and controlling and she has used key logger programs in the past to get access to my passwords, etc to see who I am talking to and what I’m talking about. I believe in my marriage vows but at the same time I am so confused because I don’t know if I should keep trying to reconcile or if I should get out of the relationship now. My family and friend all feel that I need to get out because the marriage has taken a very heavy emotional toll on me. I am now on antidepressants, anti anxiety pills and I take sleeping pills every night. I’ve never been on this type of medication before and it has all started since I got married. There were earlier instances before we were married where she would shut me out but she always had a reason why.

For some reason I just can’t seem to break the bond I have with my wife. I realize I have let her do the things to me that she has and I have always taken her back but now I need to know if I should trust my family or focus on trying once again to heal my marriage. My counselor has said that the relationship is very unhealthy and abusive but she doesn’t know if my wife is doing it intentionally or not. We did attend one counseling session together but my wife didn’t like what was said to her so she refused to go back.

Please help me understand why I’m staying in a relationship that is causing me so much emotional pain. Thank you."
These kinds of scenarios are heartbreaking, but the truth is that they are happening more often than the average person might think. Because violence against males happens less often, and violent, aggressive tendencies are less apparent in the female of the species, it has been thought that the female perpetrators may be suffering from one of a select variety of mental illnesses or there may be a component of drug and/or alcohol use. In these cases, many of the male victims do not have the information available to them that would help them identify the cause of the violent or addictive tendencies in their spouses so they tend to suffer longer in their relationships before revealing their situations.
The answer I gave to my male questioner appears below:
"Thanks so much for your question. Honestly, these kinds of situations are very complicated. Emotions run deep and the bonding between two people in a marriage relationship is always more connected than any other type of relationship. I am sorry to hear of your struggles and hope I will be able to offer some assistance.

The first thing to bear in mind is that healthy relationships grow. There is something very wrong if one or both people aren't growing in the relationship. Fear has no place in a marriage and if there is fear there, then something needs to be done about it; whether that involves counseling individually, marriage counseling or as a last resort - separation and/or divorce. The next thing to understand when there are problems in the relationship is that if only one person is trying to heal, the relationship doesn't get very far.

The situation with your wife is filled with many red flags. You can't heal a relationship if the people in it aren't both willing to face the issues that are making the difficulties in the marriage. Showing up to a counseling appointment and never going back is not a good sign that the person wants to change. Whatever is at issue in her life is not going to be healed until she is willing to address it and put in the work that is necessary to change and heal. You don't have the skill set to be able to help her and if she is not willing to work with a professional, there may be little that you can do to improve the situation.

On your side, you are not growing and the environment within the relationship is toxic to you. That isn't a good sign either. You asked why you are staying in a relationship that causes you so much pain and the easy answer is that there is a part in all of us that is created to be in relationship with another person. The negative attachment that you are experiencing is more preferable than being lonely on some level. That is the place for you to work on with a counselor in individual therapy sessions. Although this situation has been intensely painful for you, the good side of it is that it has exposed some wounds in your heart that need to be healed, and I would encourage you to do so. You have acknowledged that you have allowed your wife to treat you dishonorably, but the real question is why. Besides the issues of self worth and self respect, there are boundary issues that need to be addressed and if you are afraid to set those boundaries with her, that would be another issue to discuss with your counselor.

The situation on your wife's side may be the result of committment issues or one of several forms of mental illness, or perhaps even some addiction issues. But in any of those cases, the answer lies with some professional help and if your wife is unwilling to do that, there is really no reason to believe that the situation will improve. Please take a look at a website called BPD Central, located at http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/main.shtml Once you read through this information, click on "Indicators" and read what is there. This information may look familiar to you. If not, then your wife may be struggling with other issues.

I agree with your counselor. This relationship is very unhealthy and the hope of change doesn't look very great. At this point, your marriage vows have been broken, not by you, but by your wife. She has not honored you or cherished you and what kind of marriage can survive if only one of the individuals in it honors their vows? I would also advise you to take into consideration the effect this is having on your son. Besides watching someone abuse his father, there is also the idea that in the condition you describe yourself as being in, how connected and available are you to him, and what quality can you give him in your relationship with him?

I'm sorry that the news I am giving you is not any better than it is. I truly wish you all the best because I know how difficult these decisions are. If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again."
If you know of any males who may be in this kind of situation, I would encourage you to be supportive and encouraging to him as it may be very difficult for him to admit the situation that he finds himself in. These types of situations are atypical of what we might think of when we think of domestic violence, but they do exist.....unfortunately.
Male Victims of Female Perpetrated Domestic Violence

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Co-Dependence or as it is otherwise known, Enabling

Today, I have a question from someone who is trying to identify the characteristics of a co-dependent loved one. Co-dependence within a marriage can look like enabling someone to continue in an undesirable behavior, or within a family it can interfere with the couples ability to be truly independent and complete the individuation process. Sometimes as parents, we don't realize when we are being co-dependent with our grown children, but it is something that needs to be talked about.
The question is:
"Hi - I've been dealing with serious difficulties in my marriage over the three years since the wedding. My wife is extremely inconsistent and emotional. After much work, I'm feeling as though my wife may have codependence issues from her family of origin and other relationships. Could you give a description of what types of general behaviours could be expected and how a person may act if they are codependent, but not in a codependent relationship?"
Even the best parents, out of a sense of love and caring may step over boundaries that they shouldn't. An honoring relationship doesn't take out of the hands of a competent person that which they can do for themselves, or should do for themselves. When we have trouble seeing someone we love struggle, it is important to ask ourselves why we want to help. Is it to relieve our own angst or because the other person truly needs help?
Studies have been done on children who have been born naturally and those that were born through a Cesarean section. Oddly enough, those who didn't have to struggle to be born are often more lay back and don't have as strong a desire to struggle through problems in order to achieve their goals. Interesting, huh?
The answer to the above question may shed some light on this subject:
"I'd be happy to share with you what I know about codependency. In what I'm about to tell you, it is important to know that even though these behaviors may be annoying, the person is not bad. Codependent people have learned these behaviors in order to survive through childhood and have depended on them in order to protect themselves. Sometimes women learn these behaviors because they believe they are feminine and that is what it means to be a lady. Other times, they have learned this behavior as a means to get their needs met. Whatever the reason is, it was legitimate at the time, in the circumstances where it was learned. When the person then changes their circumstances, the behavior doesn't work well anymore. It's like learning your lines to be in a play. You learn what to say, when to say it and where to say your lines. If you are then put in another play, those lines won't work, the marks you hit don't match and it becomes a mess if you don't learn new lines and new ways of behaving.

People who are codependent tend to feel responsible for others. They believe that they have control over what someone else feels, thinks, the choices they make, their well being and perhaps even their destiny. These are the abused women who fully believe that if they just change their behavior, how they act, what they say and what they feel, their abusers will be happy. These are the children who believe that if they are just better boys and girls, mommy will be happy and everything will be right with the world.

These folks will feel guilty when other people have problems and feel compelled to help that person solve the problem. They give advice, unasked for suggestions and try to "fix" everything. They also feel rejected when their "help" doesn't work or their advice isn't taken. They try to anticipate other people's needs and meet those needs and then wonder why others don't do that for them.

Codependent individuals say yes when they want to say no and get roped into doing things they don't want to do, or do more than their part. They usually don't know what they want or need and put others needs before their own consistently. This is a self worth issue. They work to please others at their own expense.

They can do much for others, but are unable to accept help or gifts or even compliments for themselves and they feel the most safe when they are giving to others. They will get very upset when another person experiences some kind of injustice, but are not so upset when they themselves are treated badly.

They are attracted to needy people and find that needy people are
attracted to them. Life tends to be boring if they aren't in a crisis, or have a problem to solve. Solving problems gives them self esteem. When someone needs them, they will drop what they are doing and respond. They over-commit themselves and often feel pressured, but at the same time, they relish the pressure because it shows others they are working hard to solve a problem.

Although they may not admit this, there is a deep down feeling that others are responsible for them, they blame others for not being responsible for them, blame others for the way they feel and say other people make them crazy. They often feel angry, victimized, unappreciated and used.

Other people often become impatient or angry with them because of these characteristics.

You can find more information about codependency in a book called Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. These characteristics and more are listed in that book and it gives you a very well rounded perspective of a codependent person as well as ways to heal from codependency.

I hope this information helps to answer your question. If your wife is willing to go to counseling, she would benefit from that as this issue is very difficult to deal with on your own. These behaviors are the safety measures that have been put in place over time and fear will keep her locked in to them. Someone will need to walk this journey with her and a counselor is more able to hold her accountable than you are. It would not be advisable for you to fill that role."
Have a great day everyone! We're in the middle of a pouring rainstorm here. Looks like summer may be a few more weeks off!

The Theft of Honor

One of the things that crosses my mind as I work with people is how often the idea of honor is forgotten in relationships of any kind. Marriages especially require us to honor and respect each other, but outside of marriages, the idea of treating others with dignity and respect seems to be at an all time low. What has happened? Human beings, no matter who we are have value and in that understanding, it is important to treat each other well.
When you go to the grocery store or to Costco, how often does it cross our minds to ask someone who is emptying out their cart if we can take it back in for them...especially if we are heading in that direction? Little things, which don't cost us much can mean a lot to another person. In marriage relationships I hear it all the time..."It isn't the big things, its the little things that matter". Those little things are the things we do for each other that make us feel as if we are important or respected or honored by another person. Saying please and thank you, asking rather than telling, smiling and even.....perhaps....now don't freak out anyone...opening a door for another person.
Manners don't cost us anything, but they express volumes to the people in our lives who mean something to us. If you wouldn't treat your boss in a certain way, why would you treat your wife, husband or children in a way that is hurtful or disrespectful? Honestly, if we made even the smallest effort to be kind to one another we could make significant changes in our homes, our schools and our communities. I loved the whole "random acts of kindness" thing when it was going around and I really believe in those things. However, it means more when we treat our families with kindness.
Could I challenge you today? For the next week, do something at least once a day to be kind to someone you love. It doesn't have to be flamboyant....tell them they have a beautiful smile or they look especially nice today. Pick a flower from your garden and give it to your neighbor across the street or to the person who makes your coffee at the drive up. It's a great thing to do and it also makes you feel good! If you see a veteran at the restaurant you are having lunch at, buy their lunch or their coffee, just to say thank you.
If we pay kindness forward, it will eventually get back to us!

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