As with any relationship, it is essential that both parties be committed to doing whatever it takes to make things right, to build trust and to heal the hearts of those involved. In abusive relationships that is just as much an ingredient, if not more so. Usually what we find in these kinds of relationships are abusers who refuse to change, don't see the need to change or aren't taking responsibility for their actions and on the other side we find the victim who is excusing or denying the abuse for reasons of self preservation or self image/identity issues.
In faith based relationships it is important to understand that it is never God's will for abuse to be taking place, however because man has free will, as long as an individual is willing to be abusive, the abuse will go on. That is why it is important to incorporate the practical into these situations as well as having faith. For healing to occur, there must be a true heart change in the abuser as well as in the victim. I say true heart change because all too often when the victim has had enough and is able to leave the relationship, the abuser will resort to manipulation in order to convince the victim to stay. That is not a true heart change. A true heart change results in a behavior that is called "restitution". Restitution is a scriptural principle as well as a legal one and it is one that requires the offending party to do whatever is necessary to restore the victim to wholeness. When restitution is the result of a heart change, you see it as a willingness which springs out of empathy in the heart of the offender. When the offender is able to understand from a heart level what they have done to their victim, they will offer whatever they can do for as long as it takes to make it right and it is often their own idea. That and nothing less is what restores the heart of an abused spouse.
The following question came to me which illustrates this principle quite well:
"I married an impulsive angry abuser. He was only abusive during arguments, not on a daily basis...however, I experienced physical, emotional and verbal abuse for 3 years of our marriage. I asked for divorce, but he promised he would change....and has. For the last year, he has been a different person. Our marriage is better than ever...except one area: I'm still healing. He thinks I should just get over it and becomes very defensive anytime the past is brought up. There are occasions where I am reminded of an abusive event. If I bring it up, he gets angry. He says that I'm throwing it in his face. Am I wrong to think that in order for me to completely heal, I need to talk about what happened? And am I wrong to think that he should take responsibility for what happened, apologize again, and reassure me that it will never happen again? When he reacts this way, it hurts just as much as it did when it happened the first time. It feels like it's never going to go away."
Do you see how the absence of restitution has affected this woman? Although the man seems to have worked very hard to change his behavior, the heart hasn't kept pace and she can feel it. As human beings we are body, soul and spirit, therefore we can't just change one part of us, (in this instance behavior) and not change in other parts of our humanity. Check out my answer:
"It is disappointing when people who are abusive do not take responsibility for their actions. No, you are not wrong in thinking he should take responsibility and do whatever it takes to restore your heart. That is called restitution and it is a very important part of the healing process. It rebuilds trust and lets the abuse victim know that there has been a true heart change.
My suggestion to you would be to seek out an abuse counselor and work out your healing process with that person. If you have a local women's center, they would be a good resource for you as often there are abuse counselors who volunteer their time for people such as yourself. Women are verbal and we process out loud. Men do not process that way, they process internally. In order to meet your need to talk, a counselor may be your best option. You are not going to be able to just "get over it". That is an irrational stance to take and shows a lack of understanding with regard to what his behavior has done to you.
Your husband still has some issues and counseling might be an option for him as well, if he is open to that. He seems to be responding out of shame and/or guilt and that needs to be healed as well."
I often refer abused women to their local women's centers because it is hard to tell what kind of financial resources they have and these centers usually provide assistance for little to no cost.
The bottom line when looking at domestic violence is the safety of the individuals involved as well as whether one or both of the participants are willing to change in order to save the relationship. If only one is willing to change, the odds of recovery are often slim to none.
