Signs of Being in an Abusive Relationship

In all the articles that I have read on this subject, I think the one written by the Mayo Clinic is one of the best.  I don't think that I could say it any better so I will put the entire article here for your reference:

Domestic violence toward women: Recognize the patterns and seek help

By Mayo Clinic staff

Your partner apologizes and says the hurtful behavior won't happen again. But you fear it will. At times you may start to doubt your own judgment, or wonder whether you're going crazy. You may even feel like you've imagined the whole thing. But the emotional or physical pain you feel is real. If this sounds familiar, you may be the victim of domestic violence.

Also called domestic abuse, intimate partner violence or battering, domestic violence occurs between people in intimate relationships. It can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse. Men are sometimes abused by female or male partners, but domestic violence is most often directed toward women. It can happen in heterosexual or lesbian relationships.

Unfortunately, domestic violence against women is common. It happens to teenage girls and women of all backgrounds. As many as 4 million women suffer abuse from their husbands, ex-husbands, boyfriends or intimate partners in the United States each year.

Recognizing abuse: Know the signs

It may not be easy to identify abuse, especially at first. While some relationships are clearly abusive from the outset, abuse often starts subtly and gets worse over time. For example, abuse may begin with occasional hurtful comments, jealousy or controlling behavior. As it gets worse, the abuse may become more frequent, severe or violent. As the cycle of abuse worsens, your safety or the safety of your children may be in danger.

You may be a victim of abuse if you're in a relationship with someone who:

§                                 Controls finances, so you have to ask for money

§                                 Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you

§                                 Acts jealous or possessive, or accuses you of being unfaithful

§                                 Tries to control how you spend your time, who you see or talk to, where you go or what

                  you wear

§                                 Wants you to get permission to make everyday decisions

§                                 Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs

§                                 Scares you by driving recklessly

§                                 Threatens to kill him or herself

You are very likely in an abusive relationship if you have a relationship with someone who does even one of the following:

§                                 Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, or chokes you or threatens you with violence or a weapon

§                                 Forces you to have sexual intercourse or engage in sexual acts against your will

§                                 Calls you names, insults you or puts you down

§                                 Prevents you from going to work or school

§                                 Stops you from seeing family members and friends

§                                 Hurts, or threatens to hurt you, your children or pets

§                                 Destroys your property

§                                 Controls your access to medicines

§                                 Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it

§                                 Says that his or her abusive behavior is no big deal or even denies doing it

§                                 Tries to force you to drop charges

§                                 Tries to prevent you from calling the police or seeking medical care

Pregnancy, children and abuse

Pregnancy is a particularly perilous time for an abused woman. Not only is your health at risk, but also the health of your unborn child. Abuse can begin or may increase during pregnancy.

Abusive relationships can also be particularly damaging to children, even if they're just witnesses. But for women in an abusive relationship, chances are much higher that their children also will be direct victims of abuse. Over half of men who abuse their female partners also abuse their children.

You may worry that seeking help may further endanger you or your children, or that it may break up your family. But in the long run, seeking help when you safely can is the best way to protect your children — and yourself.

An abusive relationship: It's about power and control

Though there are no typical victims of domestic violence, abusive relationships do share similar characteristics. In all cases, the abuser aims to exert power and control over his partner.

Although a lot of people think domestic violence is about anger, it really isn't. Batterers do tend to take their anger out on their intimate partner. But it's not really about anger. It's about trying to instill fear and wanting to have power and control in the relationship. In an abusive relationship, the abuser may use varying tactics to gain power and control, including:

§                                 Emotional abuse. Uses put-downs, insults, criticism or name-calling to make you feel bad about yourself.

§                                 Denial and blame. Denies that the abuse occurs and shifts responsibility for the abusive behavior onto you. This may leave you confused and unsure of yourself.

§                                 Intimidation. Uses certain looks, actions or gestures to instill fear. The abuser may break things, destroy property, abuse pets or display weapons.

§                                 Coercion and threats. Threatens to hurt other family members, pets, children or self.

§                                 Power. Makes all major decisions, defines the roles in your relationship, is in charge of the home and social life, and treats you like a servant or possession.

§                                 Isolation. Limits your contact with family and friends, requires you to get permission to leave the house, doesn't allow you to work or attend school, and controls your activities and social events. The abuser may ask where you've been, track your time and whereabouts, or check the odometer on your car.

§                                 Children as pawns. Accuses you of bad parenting, threatens to take the children away, uses the children to relay messages, or threatens to report you to children's protective services.

§                                 Economic abuse. Controls finances, refuses to share money, makes you account for money spent and doesn't want you to work outside the home. The abuser may also try to sabotage your work performance by forcing you to miss work or by calling you frequently at work.

Breaking the cycle: Difficult, but possible with help

Domestic violence is part of a continuing cycle that's difficult to break. If you're in an abusive situation, you may recognize this pattern:

§                                 Your abuser strikes using words or actions.

§                                 Your abuser may beg for forgiveness, offer gifts or promise to change.

§                                 Your abuser becomes tense, angry or depressed.

§                                 Your abuser repeats the abusive behavior.

Typically each time the abuse occurs, it worsens, and the cycle shortens. As it gets worse, you may have a hard time doing anything about the abuse or even acknowledging it. Over time, an abusive relationship can break you down and unravel your sense of reality and self-esteem. You may begin to doubt your ability to take care of yourself. You may start to feel like the abuse is your fault, or you may even feel you deserve it.

This can be paralyzing, and you may feel helpless or as though your only option is to stay in the abusive situation. It's important to recognize that you may not be in a position to resolve the situation on your own.

But you can do something — and the sooner you take action the better. You may need outside help, and that's OK. Without help, the abuse will likely continue. Leaving the abusive relationship may be the only way to break the cycle.

A number of government and private agencies provide resources and support to women who are abused and their children. These resources include 24-hour telephone hot lines, shelters, counseling and legal services. Many of these services are free and can provide immediate assistance.

Create a safety plan

Leaving an abuser can be dangerous. You're the only one who knows the safest time to leave. You may know you are in an abusive relationship and realize you need to leave as soon as you safely can. Or, you may be concerned about your partner's behavior and think you may need to get out at some point in the future. Either way, being prepared can help you leave quickly if you need to. Consider taking these precautions:

§                                 Arrange a safety signal with a neighbor as an alert to call the police if necessary.

§                                 Prepare an emergency bag that includes items you'll need when you leave, such as extra clothes, important papers, money, extra keys and prescription medications.

§                                 Know exactly where you'll go and how you'll get there, even if you have to leave in the middle of the night.

§                                 Call a local women's shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 to find out about legal options and resources available to you, before you need them.

§                                 If you have school-age children, notify the school authorities or school counselor about custody arrangements and warn them about possible threats.

Keep your communication private

It isn't uncommon for an abuser to monitor mail, telephone and Internet communication. Take precautions to help maintain your privacy and safety by following these steps.

Telephone conversations

§                                 Avoid making long-distance phone calls from home. Your abuser could trace the calls to find out where you're going.

§                                 Be cautious when using a cell phone. Your abuser may be able to intercept conversations using a scanner. Switch to a corded phone if you're relaying sensitive information.

§                                 Be aware of controlling use of your cell phone. Your abuser may use frequent cell phone conversations or text messages as a way to monitor and control your activities. An abuser may also check your cell phone to see who has called, or attempt to check your messages.

Computer use

If you think your abuser is monitoring your computer use, the safest bet is to access a computer at a friend's house or at the library. If you do use a shared home computer, there are several steps you can take to help maintain your privacy:

§                                 Use a Web-based program for e-mail. Programs such as Outlook Express, Netscape Mail and Eudora store sent and received e-mails on your computer. A Web-based e-mail service is safer. Most of these services — such Gmail, Hotmail and Yahoo mail — offer free e-mail accounts.

§                                 Store files on the Internet. You can store files online and access them from any computer. A few companies that offer this service are IBackup and HyperOffice. You can also store documents as attachments in e-mail programs.

§                                 Change your password often. Choose passwords that would be impossible to guess. The safest passwords contain at least six characters, both numbers and letters. Avoid easily guessed numbers and sequences.

§                                 Clear your Web-browser history. Browsers such as Internet Explorer or Netscape Navigator keep a record of the Web pages and documents you have accessed. They also store graphics of images you look at. You can also use a program such as AbsoluteShield Internet Eraser or Speed Tracks Eraser to clear your Internet records.

§                                 Clear your document history. Applications such as Word or Excel keep a record of edited documents. Don't store or edit any documents you don't want your abuser to see on a shared computer.

Where to find help

No one deserves to be abused. If you think you may be in an abusive situation, seek help or advice as soon as you safely can. There are many resources available to help you. The first step to getting out of an abusive situation may be as easy as making one phone call. In an emergency situation, call 911, your local emergency number or your local law enforcement agency. If you aren't in immediate danger, the following resources can help:

§                                 National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE, or (800) 799-7233. Provides crisis intervention and referrals to in-state or out-of-state resources, such as women's shelters or crisis centers.

§                                 Your doctor or hospital emergency room. Treats any injuries and refers you to safe housing and other local resources.

§                                 Local women's shelter or crisis center. Typically provides 24-hour, emergency shelter for you and your children, advice on legal matters, advocacy and support services, and evaluation and monitoring of abusers. Some shelters have staff members who speak multiple languages.

§                                 Counseling or mental health center. Most communities have agencies that provide individual counseling and support groups to women in abusive relationships. Be wary of advice to seek couples or marriage counseling. This isn't appropriate for resolving problems of violence in intimate relationships.

§                                 Local court. Your district court can help you obtain a court order, which legally mandates the abuser stay away from you or face arrest. These are typically called orders for protection or restraining orders. Advocates are available in many communities to help you complete the paperwork and guide you through the court process.

§                                 Books and online resources. Learning more about how to cope with your situation and communicating with others who understand what you're going through can help you make strong choices.

WO00044

May 23, 2007

© 1998-2009 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research (MFMER). All rights reserved. A single copy of these materials may be reprinted for noncommercial personal use only. "Mayo," "Mayo Clinic," "MayoClinic.com," "EmbodyHealth," "Reliable tools for healthier lives," "Enhance your life," and the triple-shield Mayo Clinic logo are trademarks of Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research.

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The Value of The Process

The beginning of a new year has come and gone.  Although it seems like this is way too soon, we again face another 12 months ahead of us and what we are going to do with that time.  I volunteer my time for another website where individuals can write to me and ask questions about domestic violence, abuse and remarriage.  Over the holidays, there were so many people writing for information because they were either in an abusive situation or were seeing a loved one in an abusive situation.  The holidays put an incredible amount of stress on families and on people who are dealing with a lot of stress already in their lives.  As we all know, stress only makes abuse worse because individuals who don't have a lot of skills to deal with their stress anyway, have financial, familial, job and sometimes personal stressors such as depression and/or anxiety heaped upon them and they are just unable to cope anymore.

So, why do I say this now?  Perhaps it is because no one is immune to the effects of stress.  High levels of stress over a long period of time wears away at a person's internal resources.  Patience gets thin, problem solving abilities become paralyzed and energy levels drop.  This is a lethal combination.  Looking back over the holidays, one can make an assessment about where they are on the stress meter.  Once the stress of the holidays subsides, we tend to look back and go, wow, that was a really rough patch!  Then we move on.  However there is something to be said about learning from any problematic behaviors that surfaced during those times of stress.  In all honesty, there are some who say that if there was no predisposition to behave in whatever inappropriate ways we may have acted out, we wouldn't have behaved that way.  High stress situations tend to produce behaviors that we never thought we would do.  Historical perspective confirms that.....look at the Donner party.  Crossing high mountain passes by wagon, they got caught in winter weather and could not proceed.  Supplies eventually ran out and they were starving.  People in their party died and they resorted to cannibalism to stay alive.  Would they have done that under any other conditions? Most likely not.  But under the stress of fear and death, they did things they never imagined they would ever do.

These are the things to consider when we look at abuse and our behavioral responses to high stress situations.  Inappropriate responses only become problematic when they start forming patterns.  Looking back at the holidays, if you've been around for more than a couple years you can look back on a pattern of behavior during family gatherings, high stress conditions etc.  If there is a pattern there, you might want to begin to look at why the pattern exists and what you can do about it.  Abuse becomes an issue when it becomes a pattern.    Using the Donner party as an example again...would you call them cannibals?  No, not at all.  None of them reached their destination and began to consume human flesh on a regular basis.  Therefore you  believe that their behavior was the product of a desperate situation which modified their lives so radically in that specific time that they took radical action to survive.

If there is someone in your life who has a pattern of treating you disrespectfully, dishonorably, aggressively or unsafely...then you have to look at that and make some decisions.  Why is this person behaving this way?  If it is stress, we can understand that but if the pattern continues then the question has to be asked as to why they aren't doing something to correct their behavior and response patterns.  When others behaviors and/or words impact another person negatively over a period of time, something needs to be done.  According to scripture there is a process meant to deal with this kind of thing.  It is called the Matthew 18 principle.

In Matthew 18, scripture tells us that if we are having a problem with someone we should first go to them and talk to them privately about the situation.  This usually happens between spouses or friends by saying, "I don't know if you realize this, but when I get called names and am yelled at, it makes me afraid and I don't want to be here anymore."   If that produces no change, then we go with them to a third party.  In this day and age that could be a pastor, a counselor or some type of mediator who can give an outside opinion and hold the parties accountable to any agreement that may be reached during this process.  If that produces no change, the offender is then brought before an authority figure.  Scripture talks about the elders of the church and the church body which still holds true in a church setting, but in a secular setting this might mean calling in the police in the case of domestic violence or enrolling in a group counseling program, going to rehab etc.  The last instruction that is given is that if there is no change, if the behavior doesn't come to an end, the person is put out of the church, divorced so to speak.  Scripture always holds open reconciliation as an option in this case, which most people tend to do even past the point when they should.  However in any restoration that is considered, there has to be mountains of evidence which proves that the person has gotten the help they need, no longer exhibits the inappropriate behavior and can be trusted to be a person of honor and integrity.

Often when I hear of Pastors who have fallen, either personally or professionally, there are people who will go to them with offers to help them put their lives straight, but if they refuse the help or go through the process without the commitment to change and receive the healing they need, reconciliation does not happen.  This is where husbands and wives fall down in the process.  Reconciliation absolutely cannot happen until the offender is willing, able and committed to the process and follows it through to completion.  In churches, there is then a panel of individuals who go over the evidence, consider the attitude of the person throughout the process as well as their behavior and overall character after completing the process.  Most of the time what happens is the victim sees the offender in pain, hears an apology as well as a promise to change and that is it.

The reason we can't do that is because it is only through time and the healing process that these individuals will metabolize the healing and character changes that need to take place to become the functioning individuals they need to be.  Additionally, most offenders want their victims to be the ones who help them get better and that is so very, very inappropriate.  Victims need to heal as much as the offenders need to heal.  Matthew 15:14 says that if the blind lead the blind, they will both fall in the ditch....which in laymen's terms means that if the victim had the skill set to help the offender, that person wouldn't be a victim.

If someone in your life has a pattern of treating you badly, these are the steps to take in order to correct the situation.  Each step depends on the willingness of the offending individual to participate in the process.  At any point where the offender stops participating, the process stops and there is little left to do than remove yourself from the situation.  You can't try for them and you can't change them.  You can only give them opportunities to try and to change and if they refuse, they need to receive the consequences of those decisions.

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Abuse of Husbands in a Marriage

First, I'd like to apologize for not posting in a timely manner, but life sometimes gets in the way and it certainly has for me in the last couple weeks.  Thank you for your patience!
Although most domestic violence is perpetrated from male to female, I try to bring forward the understanding that abuse can go both ways. I recently had a question come to me from a man who is experiencing this kind of situation in his relationship and doesn't know what to do. Please read the following with an understanding heart:
"My wife completely denies that she has been abusive in any way but I feel certain she has been to both me and my child, My wife has screamed out several times one night that my daughter's mother was a whore and slut with my daughter in the next room, talk's to her like a dog and tells her speak child speak! grabs her by both arms and bends over and puts her face in my childs face and yells at her with her teeth clinched. as for me she has gotten angry with me and slapped me in the chest 5 or 6 times and said that was not abuse, I have a heart condition, and on several occasions started screaming at my with me literally begging her to stop and that i was afraid she would give me a heart attack and i would did. still she said this is not abuse. would call me names but say it is not verbal abuse. she would say i was economically abusive because I would ask her if she has paid her credit card bills, but not acknowledge the fact that the reason I would ask is because over four years she ran up thousands of dollars, that I didn't know about, and not paying the bills on time,resulting in 29.9% rates and effecting our credit.fallowed me around and yelling when I would try to walk away from an argument, stand in front of or hang on to my truck if I tried to drive away to avoid an argument. went to all of my family over a four year period and played the victim and trashed me, but would not tell them the things she has done to me. even went to my ex-wife and told her about the argument we had about her calling my ex-wife a whore and slut with my child in house, but did not tell her the whore and slut part. I feel betrayed by my wife as well, she was calling and meeting for coffee and lunch her ex-boyfriend for two years, with out my knowledge, she said she did nothing wrong. we are currently separated, and I found out that the day after she left, she started talking to a man she meet at the bar she works at. when I asked her about that she said he is just a friend, I find that unbelievable. She blames the separation on me and only says she has been a good wife and mother, and will not admit to any wrong doing. am I crazy or am I the only person that can see a problem with her behavior."


There is definitely something wrong with any type of behavior that includes physical and verbal abuse.  I'm not sure that there was a question here beyond wanting my opinion, but I would advise anyone to contact child protective services if they believe that their child is being abused.  Parents are responsible for the safety of their children and if you witness or see evidence that the child is being traumatized, it would be in their best interest to either contact an attorney for good legal advice or CPS.  Any counselor, doctor, nurse, teacher or social worker who becomes aware of this situation is a mandatory reporter, which means they will report abuse if it is suspected.

Also, just for informational purposes, individuals dealing with this kind of thing might visit a website located at www.bpdcentral.org and read the information that is presented there.  Only individuals going through this will be able to determine if any of what is there fits their situation, but it may be of some help to know there may be answers beyond simply thinking there is bad behavior here.  Although there may be other answers for behavior like this, many people do not know about or understand Borderline Personality Disorder so it bears checking it out.  Men who live with women who are out of control find themselves in a very difficult situation.  First, they don't often look for help and when they do, they find most of the help directed towards females so I was very proud of this man for stepping forward and trying to find some help.

This individual mentioned that his wife works in a bar but did not indicate if there was any problems with alcohol.  Alcohol and withdrawal from it can present in intense anger, anxiety and severe mood swings.  If there is alcohol abuse or even dependence, there are options available to help addicts get their lives under control if they are amenable to the help.   

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Can He Change?

The question of whether a person can change or not is a very common one when working with difficult and/or abusive relationships.  It's one of the first questions that comes out of a spouse's mouth, simply because it is a huge deal breaker if the conclusion is reached that the person you care about can't or won't change. As compassionate human beings, we want to believe the best about another individual; especially about the person we have committed our lives to.

As relationships reach critical mass, one person usually begins to evaluate the pros and cons of what is happening, trying to come up with a game plan.  During this phase, the question "can this person change" inevitably comes to the surface.  Unfortunately this is the wrong question to ask.  The more appropriate question would be "will this person change?".  No matter who we are, as human beings we have the capacity to change things about ourselves, where we live, what we do for a career, how we choose to behave and even how we choose to feel given any particular situation.  The question then becomes will we?  

In 1982, James Prochaska and Carlo Diclemente developed a model of change. This model seems to reflect a very good "road map" of how the human being relates to change and how they navigate through it.  The authors make a case that it is quite normal for people to require several trips through the five stages to make lasting change. So in this sense relapse is viewed as a normal part of the change process, as opposed to a complete failure.  This is a good way to look at the process and it gives us the basic idea that change is a process as well as being more complicated than simply making a decision to go from one behavior to another.  Their original road map suggests that there are 5 basic steps that need to be made in order to get from a place where you are even thinking about the consideration being presented, to the place where you have completed the tasks and have made the desired change.  Since then they have expanded to 6 steps, but for the sake of this article, we will consider the original 5.   Sounds simple right?  Not so much.....just ask anyone who has tried to stay on a diet, or made a new year resolution to exercise more.  Just making a decision doesn't always work.


The ability to make a change depends on several factors.  First, it will depend on whether the person making the change is flexible or rigid in their thinking patterns.  People who are structured or rigid find it very difficult to cope with change.   The ease with which we change also depends on how deep seated our behavioral patterns are and how strong our belief systems are.  For example, a person may find it very easy to change the route by which they come home from work on a daily basis, but might find it more difficult to discontinue stopping by the grocery store to pick up a beer if that has been their pattern with every job they have had since they were young.  The Christmas holiday is another very good example.  Families usually share the Christmas holiday with each other each year according to traditions that have been established over many years.  What happens to the family when the kids grow up, develop families of their own and those family traditions are challenged?  There are some in the family who will adapt, they can accept the change...then there are those who are more inflexible in their thinking and require those traditions to remain the same.  


So, how does this effect the abusive relationship?  Most abusive patterns are deeply ingrained and sometimes are even a part of the abuser's personality.  Abuse that is passed down from generation to generation is a learned pattern, a conditioning that not only appeals to a person's habit patterns but affects their thought processes and belief systems.  Abusive patterns are fueled by fear and enabled by denial which makes them very difficult to change.  Often, an abuser creates a point of crisis by their behavior patterns resulting in a decision by the other person in their life to leave.  They will then decide that what they did was wrong and express that it will never happen again.  Unfortunately it isn't nearly as simple as that, but the abuser is sincere in the moment and expresses to the victim what they want to hear so the crisis passes until the next time and no change is effected.  


So what are these stages, you ask?  I will list them below in the order that they occur.  Please be aware that these stages are fluid and individuals often go back and forth between them many times before getting through the cycle.

• PRECONTEMPLATION STAGE. We enter the stages of change from a state of precontemplation-- during which the idea of change is not seriously considered.   It is in this stage that we find the abuse victim consistently asking the abuser to change their behavior.  Often victims will describe the abuser in this stage by saying things like, it's like they don't even hear me....he doesn't hear a word I say....
• CONTEMPLATIVE STAGE Secondly we contemplate the need for change; but take no active steps.   This is the place where abuse victims find themselves after the abuse has happened and the individual has promised to change.  They think about it, but there is no action taken.  Many victims confuse this stage for the action stage and they are very different.  This stage is all about talk and this is often the stage where most abusers stay.  Victims must learn to identify this stage because if they don't, their circumstances will not change until the abuser decides to move forward.  The cycle of abuse, which I have written about in previous blog entries revolves around this second stage of change and often does not move out of it.
• DETERMINATION STAGE Thirdly we determine to take action. eg we buy walking shoes, join a gym or discover a local swimming pool, but we take no action.  As it applies to abuse, what we see in this stage might be the abuser looking for a counselor, but not ever making an appointment; talking about going to an AA meeting or getting rid of the alcohol in the house but keeps purchasing it.  This is movement forward that gives hope to the abuse victim, but should not be looked at as concrete evidence that the person has change, because they haven't.
• ACTION STAGE Then action is initiated. We walk regularly; go to that gym, have eggs instead of muesli for breakfast ......This is actual action that is being taken to solve whatever the problem might be.  The person actually attends the AA meetings, goes to the counseling sessions, shows concerted effort to stop swearing, getting angry.  This gives more hope to the victim and is a good sign that the abuser may be taking the situation seriously enough to make the changes that need to be made.
• MAINTENANCE STAGE Finally the action is maintained for several weeks. But most having maintained the change, whether in diet, smoking habit, exercise or whatever, will sooner or later fail and revert to the first or second stage. Then comes the verdict that is most helpful; namely TO FAIL IS NORMAL!!!  Unfortunately this is true and when we look at it through the eyes of failing at a diet or failing to quit smoking it is a rather benign failure and we can pick ourselves up and start over again with the support of our loved ones. 

However, and I put a real emphasis on that word....abuse, especially physical abuse, falls into a very different category.   These stages of change are very real and when applied to the category of abuse, we have to weigh in factors of safety for the victim and for any children in the situation.  Can he change?  The answer is yes.  Will he change? Statistics show a very low percentage of abusers who make it past the Contemplative or Determination stage.  Moving past these two stages is a matter of free will....we always have the choice but we may not always choose to do the work that it will take to be successful or achieve the goal.  The question then becomes, do I stay or go?  With that question, we have to consider safety, both physically and emotionally.  Is it safe to stay?  If there is physical or sexual abuse, no....absolutely not.  Depending on the level of emotional, verbal or spiritual abuse, that is a personal decision but the person has to weigh the destructive effect on the self esteem and inappropriate modeling of behavior, trauma effects etc. in the light of day rather than making excuses, minimizing or denying the effects. It is also important to assess how many times you have been through the pattern and make a choice as to how many more times you want to go around the mountain.  The truth is, anyone can move through the stages of change and they don't need their abuse victim to be part of the process.  In fact it is NOT appropriate to ask an abuse victim to be the emotional support of their abuser as s/he moves through the stages of change.   Change is a personal decision brought on by personal motivation.  Any victim who believes that they are in any way a part of that change is kidding themselves.  Relationship breakdown is a normal consequence of abuse.  Victims do not have to be and should not be in the lives of their abusers in order for the abusers to heal and change.  I know that sounds harsh, and I also know that individuals can heal certain wounds in relationship to other people, but those people do not have to be the very ones who have been abused by them.  The risk is too great and the cost is too high when failure occurs.
                                                                                                                                           

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• The Cycle of Abuse/Domestic Violence (livingwellcc.blogspot.com)

The Cycle of Abuse/Domestic Violence

Although the cycle of abuse is more difficult to see when inside an abusive relationship, it is so common that volumes of books have been written about it and it is as predictable as the change of seasons.  It will change in some respects due to the uniqueness of the people within the relationship, however the fundamental characteristics remain the same.  In abusive relationships, men can be the victims as well as women, but because of the larger number of male abusers and female victims, I will refer to these roles in like manner.

There are three stages in the cycle, each fueled by the denial of both parties involved.  Some of this denial can be seen in mothers and/or fathers who don't think that their children are effected by the abuse that goes on, they aren't effected by seeing their primary caregiver hit, called names or disrespected to the point of tears.  Other places of denial can be found in addictions, self blame, minimizing what is happening within the relationship.  I hear the comment that "he only hit me once".....isn't once enough?  Or, "if he does it again, I'm going to leave"....why does he have to do it again, didn't this time count?  Those are the most obvious places of denial, but it exists in more covert forms as well.  Victims of abuse deny their own power in saying no.....they give in to isolation or control because it is "easier" to do so, or because it "keeps the peace".   

The first stage is the tension building phase.  In this stage the victim may deny what is happening and excuse behavior as coming from some outside stress like work; she will blame herself for her abuser's behavior and deny that the abuse will worsen.  The abuser denies by blaming the tension on the victim, work, the traffic, the children or anything that might serve as a plausible reason for the behavior....getting drunk denies responsibility for the actions taken.  This stage is filled with minimizing and justifying behavior.   

At this point the abuser is moody, nitpicking and he attempts to isolate the victim.  He withdraws affection, yells, puts down, drinks, threatens, destroys property, criticizes, is sullen and is overall rather crazy making.   The victim's response to the tension that builds is filled with attempts to calm the abuser, nurturing him, staying away from family and friends, keeping the kids quiet, agreeing with him, withdrawing, many attempts at reasoning with him, cooking his favorite dinner and just a general feeling of walking on eggshells.  Abuse victims hesitate to place the responsibility where it belongs because they are becoming uncertain of their own judgments....perhaps the abuser is right, perhaps it is me.  If I was just a better wife, a better daughter or son....perhaps if I just get dinner on the table when he wants it he won't get mad...if I dress a certain way, have sex every time he wants it....if I just do those things he'll be happy.  Unfortunately the victim begins taking on responsibility for the feelings and behavior of the abuser and in all reality, the victim cannot control those things...only the abuser can.   

The second stage is the explosion.  At this point the abuser has reacted, whether it be violently or has emotionally or verbally wounded the victim and then mocked her for feeling hurt.  This is the event that encapsulates the most destruction whether it be hitting, choking, beating, humiliation, imprisonment, rape, verbal abuse or destroying pets or property.  The victim usually responds by protecting herself any way she can, police may be called either by herself, her children or a neighbor and again there may be many attempts to calm the abuser or reason with him.  In some cases the victim may fight back or even leave.  Even if she does leave, in this phase the victim will probably deny any injuries she has received, calling them minor and saying "I bruise easily" or "I ran into a door", "it wasn't that bad".  If the injuries are not physical, the victim finds it more difficult to identify the wounding as injury so minimizes it and tries not to feel the hurt.  She denies it by blaming the tension on work or minimizing what happened because it didn't require police or medical help.  If drinking was involved the excuse of "He didn't know what he was doing" is often heard or a wife doesn't label sexual assault as rape because it was her husband.  The abuser will always blame what happened on the victim, on stress...anything but taking responsibility for what happened.  

The third stage is the honeymoon phase.  This phase is characterized by the abuser profusely apologizing, begging forgiveness and adding promises to get counseling, go to church, go to AA, send flowers etc.  He will promise never to do it again, declare his love for the victim, cry and even enlist the support of the family if the victim decides to leave.  In most cases, the victim will agree to stay or take him back, attempt to stop any legal processes that have been put into place, set up counseling appointments for him and end up feeling happy and hopeful about the future.   She will often minimize the injuries at that point, saying it could have been worse, she believes this is the way it will stay, she now has the man of her dreams and she believes his promises to change.  Interestingly enough, the abuser also believes that it won't happen again....until it does.

This cycle repeats over and over.  With each cycle, the intensity will usually increase and the length of the honeymoon phase will decrease.  The end result can be one of several outcomes....1) the victim will leave, 2) the victim stays and her will and self esteem becomes so worn down that she doesn't protest against the control and domination, she just accepts it...becoming more depressed and more lost as time goes by, or 3) the victim is killed or critically injured.  

Often victims stay in these types of relationships because they lack the strength of personal identity and value.  An abuse victim loses the will to fight back and their confidence becomes so eroded that they question their own thought processes and give in to whatever the abuser wants, mainly because it is more safe to do so.  Yes, there are those women who will fight back, but when both sides are violent the home becomes a war zone for any children who may reside there.  

The key to breaking the cycle is found in breaking the pattern that has developed within the relationship.  A victim who has lost her value and her identity will need help and support in regaining her perspective.  That error in perspective may have been what allowed her to get into the relationship to begin with so patience is needed in the long journey back.  Abuse counselors are effective in helping victims take their lives back and become confident in themselves and their decisions again.  Personal identity is a major source of strength when recovering from abuse of any kind.  Understanding who you are, regaining your voice and becoming the person that you want to be can help heal years of abuse and provide hope for the future.  Abuse steals those things away from its victims and even though it may seem like the right thing to do when choosing to stay, the price is incredibly high.  

I am often asked if abusive and/or violent men have the capacity to change.  As human beings, I believe we all have the capacity to change and grow.  However the question is not do they have the capacity to change is are they motivated to change?  Does this person even understand what kind of work it is going to take to deal with the issues that have made them abusive to begin with?  The road back from being an abuser takes much more than self will and determination.  It means taking a long hard look at yourself, your family dynamics and the patterns in the home where you grew up as well as accepting complete responsibility for the actions that have been taken.  It means developing a heart of empathy that truly understands the destruction that has been perpetrated on the victims and truly repenting of those actions.  Women make the mistake of believing that an abuser will change overnight...that they have the capacity to make these fundamental changes in their lives without outside help.  They also make the mistake of believing that they need to stay and help their abuser to heal.  If an angry and/or violent person truly wants healing, they will take the steps necessary to find help, they won't ask their victims to do it for them.  They will commit to a process that will go on whether the victim stays in their life or not; because they know that they need the help and truly want to become a better person.  They realize that their present relationship may be irretrievably broken due to their actions and accept responsibility for that.  If a victim understands these things, they will know that the person cannot change just by saying they will.  

Denial is the devil's dessert after a meal of your soul

Emotionally healthy relationships allow both individuals to grow, the relationship sustains life and provides a platform from which each draws support.  If your relationship does not give you life, it should be re-evaluated.  There are those who will stay in a destructive relationship because the thought of being alone is more traumatizing than the negative connection that they presently have.  Although no one likes to be alone or wants to be alone, loneliness is more a state that one passes through than a place where one lives.  

If I can encourage you at all, I'd like to leave you with this thought:  The world looks more hopeless from within an abusive relationship than it truly is outside of it.  

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