The Continuum of Psychological and Physical Abuse

Psychological abuse is very real, but quite often hard to recognize and even harder to prove. When a person is physically abused, there is more often than not physical evidence left behind in the form of bruises or broken bones, swollen areas etc. Emotional and psychological abuse are different. The victim has scars on the inside that can manifest throughout their lives in the form of fear, withdrawal, low self worth and a low quality of relationship with others. Their personality begins to change over time and even their desire to interact with others on a social level can be compromised. These scars are not visible and are hard to prove, unfortunately.

Before I give you the escalating continuum, I want to give you the definitions of abuse and of trauma:

According to Dictionary.com, abuse is defined as:

–verb (used with object)
1. to use wrongly or improperly; misuse: to abuse one's authority.
2. to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way: to abuse a horse; to abuse one's eyesight.
3. to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about; revile; malign.
4. to commit sexual assault upon.
5. Obsolete . to deceive or mislead.

–noun
6. wrong or improper use; misuse: the abuse of privileges.
7. harshly or coarsely insulting language: The officer heaped abuse on his men.
8. bad or improper treatment; maltreatment: The child was subjected to cruel abuse.
9. a corrupt or improper practice or custom: the abuses of a totalitarian regime.
10. rape or sexual assault.

Trauma is defined as:

A serious bodily injury or shock, as from violence or an accident.

An emotional wound or shock that creates substantial lasting damage to one's psychological development, often leading to neurosis.

Interestingly enough, the main difference I see between abuse and trauma is that trauma is abuse that lasts over time, or whatever has happened to the victim is not able to be dismissed or healed quickly. The wound or shock creates lasting damage. The first time I read through those definitions I was very shocked to see that even in simple definitions, we can determine whether our behavior is abusive or not.

Often, when women talk with me about abuse they don't seem to have a gauge as to how bad the abuse is. There are some women who say, "well, he only choked me once"...or "he pushed me down the hall but I know he really didn't mean it". Abuse progresses as each boundary is crossed and it becomes easier the next time for the abuser to do the same and worse behavior the next time. As time goes on, abuse becomes more severe and more dangerous. In regard to the above examples, on the continuum of physical abuse, choking appears about 2/3 of the way down the list towards the end result of killing the victim. On that scale, it is a high probability that the victim is going to be hurt, maimed or killed if the abuse continues for any length of time. As I've told my clients, it only takes 8lbs of pressure around your neck for 11 seconds to kill you so why would you wait for the next time. It doesn't matter what the intent is, if you are dead there is no coming back from that.

The continuum for Psychological abuse looks like this:

Psychological Abuse (in order of increasing severity and danger)

• "Jokes" or put-downs that demean the victim
• Acting like the victim's feelings, needs, and ideas don't matter
• Enforcing rigid roles and rules for women
• Controlling through jealousy
• Isolating the victim
• Insults and name-calling
• Yelling and raging
• Humiliation, throwing food
• Fist through wall
• Threats and intimidation
• Destruction of her property
• Hurting or killing pets
• Displaying guns, sleeping with guns
• Depriving the victim of sleep
• Abuser threatens suicide
• Tries to get the victim to commit suicide
• Threatens to kill her and/or the children
• Death

If any of these things are happening to you, you would be wise to see where they lie on this continuum and determine how long it has taken the person to get to that place in the relationship.  If an abuser is threatening suicide, that one alone is a huge manipulation which often results in the victim feeling responsible for the life of the abuser and it holds them in a place they would not be otherwise.  My best advice, no matter what the circumstance is would be to call 911 every time there is a suicide threat.  The reason is that if you are not a medical or mental health professional, you do not have the skill set to help a suicidal person.  If they truly need help, they need to be in a safe place with people who can stabilize them and keep them safe.  If they are simply manipulating you, the consequences of that manipulation will be quite distasteful and the person will quickly learn that threatening suicide is not something they want to do.  Either way, calling 911 is a very good and effective way to deal with the issue at hand.  If the person does end up committing suicide there are two very difficult things that may result - 1) the authorities will be asking you why you didn't get appropriate help for the person and 2) you may be left with a burden of guilt that will take you time and counseling to overcome.  The truth is, you are not responsible for a suicidal person....their decision to choose that path is strictly theirs.  What you are responsible for is to do the most appropriate thing for them and that is always to get them the help they need.

The physical abuse continuum looks like this:

• Holding down, blocking, pinning
• Pushing or shoving
• Shaking or jerking
• Slapping and bruising
• Throwing objects
• Punching
• Kicking
• Black eyes, cuts, chipped teeth
• Burning with hot drinks, cigarettes, etc.
• Causing serious falls
• Choking
• Severe beatings
• Broken bones
• Hitting with objects
• Back injuries, paralysis
• Internal injuries
• Use of weapons
• Death

Notice that in each list, the end result is death.  Women don't often think of that as an end result, but our bodies, even though quite resilient at times, are not meant to deal with the type of physical punishment that an abuser can consistently meet out.  Additionally, it is important to point out that in any healthy relationship, these types of behaviors are non-existent.  Abuse destroys on every level so there shouldn't be any huge question as to why relationships that contain these behaviors don't work.  

If this type of thing is happening to you, call your nearest Women's Center to get help, counseling, advocacy or whatever type of help you need to deal with the situation.  There are individuals at these centers who are  trained in domestic violence and abuse, and these centers usually offer their services at little to no cost. If your husband or partner is displaying behavior such as that listed here, understand that he/she will not be able to help themselves.  Even if they promise never to do it again, they will...simply because they need outside, professional help to deal with the issues they have underneath the outside behavior.  

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Abuse Effects the Entire Family

It is often times as traumatic for the family of an abuse victim to watch what is going on with their loved one as it is for the person going through the abuse.  Although we clearly love and are concerned about our family member, one of the most terrible feelings is the lack of control that family members feel to help the person break free from the abuse they are experiencing.  Most of the time, individuals outside the perimeter of an abusive relationship can see much more clearly what is happening to their family member, but the frustration is in getting that family member to see the truth of what is happening and take action to stop the abuse.

It is very difficult for a person who has little true self esteem and even less identity for themselves to stand up and do what it takes to leave an abuser. Often the family does not understand the dynamics that keep the victim bound.  Many times the victim is in the situation because they don't like to see other people in pain.  That fact alone will allow them to be manipulated by the abuser simply because the abuser is in pain all the time.  

Family members tend to lose sight of the fact that even if the relationship is abusive, there is still attachment there - albeit negative attachment.  The attachment and bonding between human beings is quite strong, however the desire not to be alone can be much stronger so negative attachment will suffice.  Therefore, an abuse victim will need support from any and all places it can be found, whether that be family or friends.  That is why it is so important not to allow the abuser to sever relationships with the victim.  Sometimes that alone is a difficult task because those relationships can be a threat to the abuser who will be working to isolate and control the victim.  Even if it is difficult and frustrating, it is important for friends and family to keep lines of communication open with the victim; it will be needed should the decision to leave ever becomes an option.

Bessel Van der Kolk, a research scientist who has written much about trauma and abuse has stated that as long as people can imagine having some control over what is happening to them, they can keep their wits about them.  That idea of control keeps hope alive so the abuse victim needs to be continually fed with choices, with options, with the truth that there is a network of people who will support them once the decision to get out is made.  A family can provide that support; however they need to be a strong, united front for the person they are trying to protect.   He has also stated that one of the coping strategies for victims is to dissociate, which can look like supreme denial or compartmentalism of thought and once they engage in that behavior, they become incapable of goal directed action.  

The abuse victim has many considerations to think about in order to make a decision to leave.  Finances, childcare, educational pursuits, and often getting a job with skills that are outdated or under used can be major obstacles in the planning of a transition out of an abusive relationship.  Support from family and friends to help the victim see that there are options can be invaluable as to whether the victim stays or leaves.  More often than not she will not be able to see past her husband either forbidding her to move out of a place of control or putting up obstacles such as not taking care of the children while she is work to harassing her by phone at her job or showing up and making a scene so that she eventually loses her position.  

Introduce children into the mix and things become very challenging because another generation is experiencing the modeling of abusive behaviors.  The true effects of abuse and trauma on children is a place of heavy denial for mothers who are in these relationships.  Some of the myths they believe are that if they don't fight in front of the kids, the kids aren't affected.  Another myth is that even though the husband may be abusive to the wife, he is still a good father.  This particular myth is untrue simply because abuse against a primary caregiver of the child by the other caregiver is immensely traumatizing.  Unless the husband is treating his wife with respect and honor, he cannot be a good father to his children.

Grandparents, parents, sibling and friends can have a better perspective of what is happening within an abusive relationship than the victim inside.  However, with that said, the victim has a better barometer of how much danger she is in at any moment in time.  It has been proven that the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship, especially a physically abusive relationship, is when she leaves.  That is why she needs a very strong support network she can count on, not only at that time but in the weeks and months after she leaves because it has been proven that abuse does not end after the marriage ends.  There can be stalking, manipulation and attempts to control through other means, especially the children.  

Family and friends, over time lose hope and get frustrated with the abuse victim who continually says she wants change but puts no effort to effect that change.  Statistics show that a woman will leave at least 7 times before she leaves for good but often families lose hope well before that.  When that happens, the victim loses the sense of her support network which makes it even more difficult to leave.  

Family members can fall under the control of the abuser just as much as the victim has simply because they realize that whatever they do to support their loved one is met with abusive action against her by the abuser.  They soon stop their efforts because they do not want to be the ones responsible for hurting their loved one.  Although they are not the ones directly inflicting the abuse, they feel powerless against the abuser who is.  If the family will step out and make use of the resources available, such as local women's centers or Domestic Violence organizations, they can continue to support their loved one in indirect ways.  If the children are being abuse, there are more avenues open to family members to use law enforcement and child protective services to intervene; however the family must be willing to do so and make the consequences stick.

Abusers get away with their actions because their victims do not enforce consequences that are available to them.  Consequences, however distasteful, may serve to turn around an abuser's life and instill a desire for healing and change.  That desire must come from within the heart of the abuser in order for change to come...no one can do it for them.  

In closing, if there is any question, it is NEVER appropriate for the abuser to request help from the victim.  Abusers are adults and are very capable of finding help for themselves.  Allowing them to do so helps to empower them and puts the responsibility for their healing in their hands, rather than piling it on the back of the one they have abused.

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Abuse of Husbands in a Marriage

First, I'd like to apologize for not posting in a timely manner, but life sometimes gets in the way and it certainly has for me in the last couple weeks.  Thank you for your patience!
Although most domestic violence is perpetrated from male to female, I try to bring forward the understanding that abuse can go both ways. I recently had a question come to me from a man who is experiencing this kind of situation in his relationship and doesn't know what to do. Please read the following with an understanding heart:
"My wife completely denies that she has been abusive in any way but I feel certain she has been to both me and my child, My wife has screamed out several times one night that my daughter's mother was a whore and slut with my daughter in the next room, talk's to her like a dog and tells her speak child speak! grabs her by both arms and bends over and puts her face in my childs face and yells at her with her teeth clinched. as for me she has gotten angry with me and slapped me in the chest 5 or 6 times and said that was not abuse, I have a heart condition, and on several occasions started screaming at my with me literally begging her to stop and that i was afraid she would give me a heart attack and i would did. still she said this is not abuse. would call me names but say it is not verbal abuse. she would say i was economically abusive because I would ask her if she has paid her credit card bills, but not acknowledge the fact that the reason I would ask is because over four years she ran up thousands of dollars, that I didn't know about, and not paying the bills on time,resulting in 29.9% rates and effecting our credit.fallowed me around and yelling when I would try to walk away from an argument, stand in front of or hang on to my truck if I tried to drive away to avoid an argument. went to all of my family over a four year period and played the victim and trashed me, but would not tell them the things she has done to me. even went to my ex-wife and told her about the argument we had about her calling my ex-wife a whore and slut with my child in house, but did not tell her the whore and slut part. I feel betrayed by my wife as well, she was calling and meeting for coffee and lunch her ex-boyfriend for two years, with out my knowledge, she said she did nothing wrong. we are currently separated, and I found out that the day after she left, she started talking to a man she meet at the bar she works at. when I asked her about that she said he is just a friend, I find that unbelievable. She blames the separation on me and only says she has been a good wife and mother, and will not admit to any wrong doing. am I crazy or am I the only person that can see a problem with her behavior."


There is definitely something wrong with any type of behavior that includes physical and verbal abuse.  I'm not sure that there was a question here beyond wanting my opinion, but I would advise anyone to contact child protective services if they believe that their child is being abused.  Parents are responsible for the safety of their children and if you witness or see evidence that the child is being traumatized, it would be in their best interest to either contact an attorney for good legal advice or CPS.  Any counselor, doctor, nurse, teacher or social worker who becomes aware of this situation is a mandatory reporter, which means they will report abuse if it is suspected.

Also, just for informational purposes, individuals dealing with this kind of thing might visit a website located at www.bpdcentral.org and read the information that is presented there.  Only individuals going through this will be able to determine if any of what is there fits their situation, but it may be of some help to know there may be answers beyond simply thinking there is bad behavior here.  Although there may be other answers for behavior like this, many people do not know about or understand Borderline Personality Disorder so it bears checking it out.  Men who live with women who are out of control find themselves in a very difficult situation.  First, they don't often look for help and when they do, they find most of the help directed towards females so I was very proud of this man for stepping forward and trying to find some help.

This individual mentioned that his wife works in a bar but did not indicate if there was any problems with alcohol.  Alcohol and withdrawal from it can present in intense anger, anxiety and severe mood swings.  If there is alcohol abuse or even dependence, there are options available to help addicts get their lives under control if they are amenable to the help.   

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The Cycle of Abuse/Domestic Violence

Although the cycle of abuse is more difficult to see when inside an abusive relationship, it is so common that volumes of books have been written about it and it is as predictable as the change of seasons.  It will change in some respects due to the uniqueness of the people within the relationship, however the fundamental characteristics remain the same.  In abusive relationships, men can be the victims as well as women, but because of the larger number of male abusers and female victims, I will refer to these roles in like manner.

There are three stages in the cycle, each fueled by the denial of both parties involved.  Some of this denial can be seen in mothers and/or fathers who don't think that their children are effected by the abuse that goes on, they aren't effected by seeing their primary caregiver hit, called names or disrespected to the point of tears.  Other places of denial can be found in addictions, self blame, minimizing what is happening within the relationship.  I hear the comment that "he only hit me once".....isn't once enough?  Or, "if he does it again, I'm going to leave"....why does he have to do it again, didn't this time count?  Those are the most obvious places of denial, but it exists in more covert forms as well.  Victims of abuse deny their own power in saying no.....they give in to isolation or control because it is "easier" to do so, or because it "keeps the peace".   

The first stage is the tension building phase.  In this stage the victim may deny what is happening and excuse behavior as coming from some outside stress like work; she will blame herself for her abuser's behavior and deny that the abuse will worsen.  The abuser denies by blaming the tension on the victim, work, the traffic, the children or anything that might serve as a plausible reason for the behavior....getting drunk denies responsibility for the actions taken.  This stage is filled with minimizing and justifying behavior.   

At this point the abuser is moody, nitpicking and he attempts to isolate the victim.  He withdraws affection, yells, puts down, drinks, threatens, destroys property, criticizes, is sullen and is overall rather crazy making.   The victim's response to the tension that builds is filled with attempts to calm the abuser, nurturing him, staying away from family and friends, keeping the kids quiet, agreeing with him, withdrawing, many attempts at reasoning with him, cooking his favorite dinner and just a general feeling of walking on eggshells.  Abuse victims hesitate to place the responsibility where it belongs because they are becoming uncertain of their own judgments....perhaps the abuser is right, perhaps it is me.  If I was just a better wife, a better daughter or son....perhaps if I just get dinner on the table when he wants it he won't get mad...if I dress a certain way, have sex every time he wants it....if I just do those things he'll be happy.  Unfortunately the victim begins taking on responsibility for the feelings and behavior of the abuser and in all reality, the victim cannot control those things...only the abuser can.   

The second stage is the explosion.  At this point the abuser has reacted, whether it be violently or has emotionally or verbally wounded the victim and then mocked her for feeling hurt.  This is the event that encapsulates the most destruction whether it be hitting, choking, beating, humiliation, imprisonment, rape, verbal abuse or destroying pets or property.  The victim usually responds by protecting herself any way she can, police may be called either by herself, her children or a neighbor and again there may be many attempts to calm the abuser or reason with him.  In some cases the victim may fight back or even leave.  Even if she does leave, in this phase the victim will probably deny any injuries she has received, calling them minor and saying "I bruise easily" or "I ran into a door", "it wasn't that bad".  If the injuries are not physical, the victim finds it more difficult to identify the wounding as injury so minimizes it and tries not to feel the hurt.  She denies it by blaming the tension on work or minimizing what happened because it didn't require police or medical help.  If drinking was involved the excuse of "He didn't know what he was doing" is often heard or a wife doesn't label sexual assault as rape because it was her husband.  The abuser will always blame what happened on the victim, on stress...anything but taking responsibility for what happened.  

The third stage is the honeymoon phase.  This phase is characterized by the abuser profusely apologizing, begging forgiveness and adding promises to get counseling, go to church, go to AA, send flowers etc.  He will promise never to do it again, declare his love for the victim, cry and even enlist the support of the family if the victim decides to leave.  In most cases, the victim will agree to stay or take him back, attempt to stop any legal processes that have been put into place, set up counseling appointments for him and end up feeling happy and hopeful about the future.   She will often minimize the injuries at that point, saying it could have been worse, she believes this is the way it will stay, she now has the man of her dreams and she believes his promises to change.  Interestingly enough, the abuser also believes that it won't happen again....until it does.

This cycle repeats over and over.  With each cycle, the intensity will usually increase and the length of the honeymoon phase will decrease.  The end result can be one of several outcomes....1) the victim will leave, 2) the victim stays and her will and self esteem becomes so worn down that she doesn't protest against the control and domination, she just accepts it...becoming more depressed and more lost as time goes by, or 3) the victim is killed or critically injured.  

Often victims stay in these types of relationships because they lack the strength of personal identity and value.  An abuse victim loses the will to fight back and their confidence becomes so eroded that they question their own thought processes and give in to whatever the abuser wants, mainly because it is more safe to do so.  Yes, there are those women who will fight back, but when both sides are violent the home becomes a war zone for any children who may reside there.  

The key to breaking the cycle is found in breaking the pattern that has developed within the relationship.  A victim who has lost her value and her identity will need help and support in regaining her perspective.  That error in perspective may have been what allowed her to get into the relationship to begin with so patience is needed in the long journey back.  Abuse counselors are effective in helping victims take their lives back and become confident in themselves and their decisions again.  Personal identity is a major source of strength when recovering from abuse of any kind.  Understanding who you are, regaining your voice and becoming the person that you want to be can help heal years of abuse and provide hope for the future.  Abuse steals those things away from its victims and even though it may seem like the right thing to do when choosing to stay, the price is incredibly high.  

I am often asked if abusive and/or violent men have the capacity to change.  As human beings, I believe we all have the capacity to change and grow.  However the question is not do they have the capacity to change is are they motivated to change?  Does this person even understand what kind of work it is going to take to deal with the issues that have made them abusive to begin with?  The road back from being an abuser takes much more than self will and determination.  It means taking a long hard look at yourself, your family dynamics and the patterns in the home where you grew up as well as accepting complete responsibility for the actions that have been taken.  It means developing a heart of empathy that truly understands the destruction that has been perpetrated on the victims and truly repenting of those actions.  Women make the mistake of believing that an abuser will change overnight...that they have the capacity to make these fundamental changes in their lives without outside help.  They also make the mistake of believing that they need to stay and help their abuser to heal.  If an angry and/or violent person truly wants healing, they will take the steps necessary to find help, they won't ask their victims to do it for them.  They will commit to a process that will go on whether the victim stays in their life or not; because they know that they need the help and truly want to become a better person.  They realize that their present relationship may be irretrievably broken due to their actions and accept responsibility for that.  If a victim understands these things, they will know that the person cannot change just by saying they will.  

Denial is the devil's dessert after a meal of your soul

Emotionally healthy relationships allow both individuals to grow, the relationship sustains life and provides a platform from which each draws support.  If your relationship does not give you life, it should be re-evaluated.  There are those who will stay in a destructive relationship because the thought of being alone is more traumatizing than the negative connection that they presently have.  Although no one likes to be alone or wants to be alone, loneliness is more a state that one passes through than a place where one lives.  

If I can encourage you at all, I'd like to leave you with this thought:  The world looks more hopeless from within an abusive relationship than it truly is outside of it.  

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Red Flags to Be Aware of As You Develop New Relationships

As we develop new relationships with people, it is necessary to understand that there are levels to those relationships and if we do not follow the natural and established progression of those relationships, we can find ourselves in trouble no matter whether it is just a friendship or whether we are courting a more intimate relationship.

What do I mean by levels?  The levels in a relationship are steps that we take to get to know another person.  As we progress from stranger to close friend or intimate partner, we have to give the relationship time to develop so that we can evaluate whether the person is a good fit for our lives, what kind of character they posses and if they can be trusted.  We have to take these levels in order, not getting one before the other so that trust and bonding can happen or if we are moving into a relationship with someone who is untrustworthy, abusive or even dangerous, we know that in time to be able to extricate ourselves.  In so many relationships these days, sexual encounters come way too early in the relationship and intimate bonding takes place before each individual has had time to evaluate the other person.  This kind of bonding then makes it much more difficult to evaluate the "Red Flags" that may come along.

Each level of a relationship has its characteristics.  When we first meet someone, we make small talk and over the course of different conversations we begin to evaluate whether the person is of interest to us.  Sometimes there is a connection, sometimes there isn't.  If the person peaks our interest, we will see them again in a different context...perhaps over coffee, dinner or maybe just by phone.  In these conversations, we can determine whether the person is easy or difficult to communicate with, whether there are mutual interests and what kind of life the person has had or is planning on having.  In these first few levels of relationship we are evaluating on many different levels.  If we determine the other person is interesting to us, we will probably move into the next level of relationship which is denoted by spending more time together in different ways, exploring mutual interests and taking conversations deeper.  We may talk about family, goals for the future and what our dreams and visions are for our lives.  In this level we are evaluating whether the person is safe, what we like about them and they are doing the same with us.

Once trust is established, then there is a time period where we evaluate where the relationship is going and if it is an opposite sex relationship, if we are interested in pursuing a deeper kind of relationship.  From there, the relationship becomes more defined, roles are established, boundaries are defined and there is a structure that starts to take place between the two people.  Moving forward, a foundation is being laid for a more connected and intimate relationship down the road.  Looking at the complexity of these levels of relationship, it is somewhat easy to see why introducing a sexual encounter early on may disrupt the natural flow of things.

However, the focus of this article is what takes place in the early stages of relationship building and what to look for in order to determine whether the person is safe and trustworthy to become involved with.  When individuals are not safe and/or not trustworthy there are certain characteristics that tend to pop out over time and we need to understand that in order to evaluate them, we must take time in establishing relationships with a person of the opposite sex.  Some of these are just common sense, but some may not be so obvious....let's take a look:

1. Criminal History - if there is any violence, sexual abuse, substance abuse or histories of any type of crime, a person should consider that a red flag.  Patterns of behavior mean something, no matter how much justification is offered.  If you don't want to deal with the behavior, understand that if there hasn't been any outside help to change the behavior, it will probably appear in any relationship the individual has.
2. Employment Record - look for long periods of unemployment, job instability or job dissatisfaction.  This may indicate a lack of motivation, an inability to get along with authority or even co-workers and even a mental health/substance use problem in the person's live.
3. Military Service Record - was there an honorable discharge?  That one speaks for itself.
4. Health and Medical History - is there history of STDs or even HIV?  Have they been through rehab?  Substance abuse is very detrimental to a relationship and a history of sexually transmitted diseases or even testing for them can show a propensity for commitment issues, lack of respect for themselves or others.
5. Mental Health History - a history of depression, mental illness or even low self esteem can be a red flag that needs to be observed.  Although many people go through their lives with depression and low self esteem, these things can create issues in a relationship because of negativity and lack of boundaries or social skills.
6. Family History and Relationships with Family Members - How do they resolve differences and disputes?  Is the relationship with family healthy?  Is there any mental illness, substance abuse, child abuse or domestic violence?  These things change the way individuals deal with stress, change or problems and need to be seriously evaluated before considering progress to a committed relationship.  How is mom treated?  How does the person treat their father?
7. Previous Relationships - was there (are there) violence/control issues?  Did the previous relationship break up amicably or is/was there bitterness and anger?  It may be advisable to speak to the ex to see if their story matches what is being told.  Often two people who break up will not have the same reasons, but if the person you are with is minimizing or being evasive, it is worth the time to check out their story.
8. History or signs of substance abuse or addictions - these things in a relationship can lead to physical violence, financial instability, child abuse, sexual abuse as well as emotional and verbal abuse.  When a person's mind is altered in any way, you will not be dealing with the same person you know in a sober condition.
9. Credit History - Does this person own property, a home, cars, retirement accounts.  If not, why not?  A good credit history is a good indicator of stability and responsibility.
10. Treatment of Pets, Animals and Children - any history with them, is patience and understanding shown, have there been any signs of violence?  Violence against animals is a clear indicator of significant issues and individuals with a history of this should be avoided.
11. Pornography - pornography is an indicator of how the individual may be able to connect with another person intimately.  Objectification is a fancy word for lack of empathy and connection and it is something that becomes important when someone is addicted to pornography.  When a man objectifies a woman, he sees her as one dimensional....like the pictures in the magazine.  She has no feelings to be considered, and she is there for his gratification only.  The women in the magazines don't talk back, they don't ask for respect and a relationship with them doesn't have to be worked at.  This is the problem with pornography, whether it is in print or on the internet.  It blinds its victim to emotional connection, honor and respect of the other person in the relationship and as we know, that causes a host of problems in relationships.
12. Honor and Respect - How does the individual see others?  Are people treated with honor and respect or are they yelled at from behind the wheel of the car, pushed aside in order to get to the front of the line or talked about behind their backs?  
13. Ladies - does the man you are involved with ask you for money?  Do you feel as though you should pay for things because he can't afford them or doesn't have the money to do what he needs to do........child support, bills, fines etc.  Don't do it!  It is a sign of irresponsibility and that should mean something to you.
14. Boundaries - a lack of boundaries means a lack of respect.
15. Control and/or manipulation - if the person you are with does not accept responsibility for their actions, if they manipulate you or control you; if they won't let you see your friends or family; if they lie and say they didn't....these are major warning signs and you should run, not walk in the other direction.
16. Legalism - in faith based relationships it is important to recognize legalism.  Individuals who use scripture to control/manipulate/dominate another person are operating outside of those scriptures.  God is not controlling nor is He dominating.  He has given us free will.
17. Growth - if you cannot be who you are, if you cannot grow inside the relationship then the relationship is not a good fit for you.

Although you may not see the need, it is important to develop a "Screening Committee" of 3 or 4 people you respect and trust who can give you feedback with regard to the individual that you are developing a relationship with.  This is especially important if you have a history of getting involved with abusive individuals.  Be ready to listen to their concerns and don't minimize them.  They are probably the same ones you've had.  

No matter what people say, character matters!  People are who they really are when no one is watching and that says a lot about character and integrity.  Pay attention to these things and it will save you many hours of pain and perhaps financial devastation in your future relationships.  

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Recovering a Marriage After Abuse

When people write to me about abusive relationships, usually they are seeking advice regarding how to save the relationship. As long as there is hope for a better future, individuals are willing to put up with a lot of difficulty in the present. This is especially prevalent in faith based relationships because there is an underlying faith in God to make the situation better. Hope is what keeps us going, it offers possibilities and it is the main ingredient to having faith. So with that in mind, how do we apply faith and hope in an abusive situation?
As with any relationship, it is essential that both parties be committed to doing whatever it takes to make things right, to build trust and to heal the hearts of those involved. In abusive relationships that is just as much an ingredient, if not more so. Usually what we find in these kinds of relationships are abusers who refuse to change, don't see the need to change or aren't taking responsibility for their actions and on the other side we find the victim who is excusing or denying the abuse for reasons of self preservation or self image/identity issues.
In faith based relationships it is important to understand that it is never God's will for abuse to be taking place, however because man has free will, as long as an individual is willing to be abusive, the abuse will go on. That is why it is important to incorporate the practical into these situations as well as having faith. For healing to occur, there must be a true heart change in the abuser as well as in the victim. I say true heart change because all too often when the victim has had enough and is able to leave the relationship, the abuser will resort to manipulation in order to convince the victim to stay. That is not a true heart change. A true heart change results in a behavior that is called "restitution". Restitution is a scriptural principle as well as a legal one and it is one that requires the offending party to do whatever is necessary to restore the victim to wholeness. When restitution is the result of a heart change, you see it as a willingness which springs out of empathy in the heart of the offender. When the offender is able to understand from a heart level what they have done to their victim, they will offer whatever they can do for as long as it takes to make it right and it is often their own idea. That and nothing less is what restores the heart of an abused spouse.
The following question came to me which illustrates this principle quite well:
"I married an impulsive angry abuser. He was only abusive during arguments, not on a daily basis...however, I experienced physical, emotional and verbal abuse for 3 years of our marriage. I asked for divorce, but he promised he would change....and has. For the last year, he has been a different person. Our marriage is better than ever...except one area: I'm still healing. He thinks I should just get over it and becomes very defensive anytime the past is brought up. There are occasions where I am reminded of an abusive event. If I bring it up, he gets angry. He says that I'm throwing it in his face. Am I wrong to think that in order for me to completely heal, I need to talk about what happened? And am I wrong to think that he should take responsibility for what happened, apologize again, and reassure me that it will never happen again? When he reacts this way, it hurts just as much as it did when it happened the first time. It feels like it's never going to go away."
Do you see how the absence of restitution has affected this woman? Although the man seems to have worked very hard to change his behavior, the heart hasn't kept pace and she can feel it. As human beings we are body, soul and spirit, therefore we can't just change one part of us, (in this instance behavior) and not change in other parts of our humanity. Check out my answer:
"It is disappointing when people who are abusive do not take responsibility for their actions. No, you are not wrong in thinking he should take responsibility and do whatever it takes to restore your heart. That is called restitution and it is a very important part of the healing process. It rebuilds trust and lets the abuse victim know that there has been a true heart change.

My suggestion to you would be to seek out an abuse counselor and work out your healing process with that person. If you have a local women's center, they would be a good resource for you as often there are abuse counselors who volunteer their time for people such as yourself. Women are verbal and we process out loud. Men do not process that way, they process internally. In order to meet your need to talk, a counselor may be your best option. You are not going to be able to just "get over it". That is an irrational stance to take and shows a lack of understanding with regard to what his behavior has done to you.

Your husband still has some issues and counseling might be an option for him as well, if he is open to that. He seems to be responding out of shame and/or guilt and that needs to be healed as well."
I often refer abused women to their local women's centers because it is hard to tell what kind of financial resources they have and these centers usually provide assistance for little to no cost.
The bottom line when looking at domestic violence is the safety of the individuals involved as well as whether one or both of the participants are willing to change in order to save the relationship. If only one is willing to change, the odds of recovery are often slim to none.

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How Much Abuse is Too Much?

This is an age old question that plagues every person who considers leaving a relationship. I have to be honest with you as a reader of my blog, abuse is a deal breaker for me. I don't believe it is ever warranted, and if someone persists in abusive behavior, won't take responsibility for it and do something to change, then there need to be consequences for that. In this series of questions, this part of the dialogue between myself and this person who lives in another country, is the last question over several exchanges. Her husband has been very verbally and emotionally abusive to her, he has been physical several times in the past, they have gone to counseling and have reached out for help but the counseling was stopped after several months. At this point, she is being advised not to leave the relationship by Christian counselors and church leaders because they want her to give her husband a chance to change.
Here is the question that is often asked:
"I have always been taught that reconciliation and restoration of relationships should be the end-goal. I have also been taught not to follow my feelings - eg, you may feel like gossiping, but you choose not to. I am afraid that if I ask for a severance of relationship, he will be able to get back-up support to pressure me to "patch things up" if he is working towards change, eg. from the Bible, from books, from the psychologist, from friends, from spiritual leaders, etc. How do I withstand that pressure and justify freedom from abuse when I haven't been (and probably will never be, as he is on a good behaviour bond) beaten? How severe does domestic violence have to be before it becomes justifiable to leave the relationship?"
Here is my answer:
"Yes, I understand the pressure that comes from parts of the Christian Community in terms of leaving relationships. However, it must be understood that what Jesus was talking about in the New Testament scriptures was divorce for no cause, similar to what we have today and He referred back to the Old Testament scriptures when He did it. Anyone in that day who heard Him speak would have known exactly what He was talking about. You don't just divorce someone because they don't put the cap back on the toothpaste tube. However emotional and physical safety need to be a priority and when those boundaries are consistently crossed, action of some kind needs to be taken. Whether a person divorces or not, the priority at that point becomes being safe by whatever means are needed to achieve that safety.

Although I can't speak for laws where you are, there are laws here that deal with verbal assault, assault in general and then when the physical comes into it, that is called battery. Again, I am not an attorney or a police officer, so the legal aspects of those things are beyond the scope of what I can give you here, but it is an example. If he has EVER put his hands on you, that is against the law, at least where I am from and Jesus taught us to obey the laws of the land.

It is never easy to oppose authority, but I have never failed to see the Lord provide for women who have chosen to leave an abusive relationship. He simply waits for them to make a decision and once that decision is made, doors seem to open for them. You are not going to be able to go into a big theological debate with these people about why you want to leave. Is your husband fulfilling his part of the marriage contract that he made with you on your wedding day? Is he honoring you and cherishing you? Is he, as head of the home, providing an environment where you and your family can thrive and grow. If not, he is being neglectful towards you.

There comes a point in every abusive marriage where the abuse victim has to stand up and say "enough!". Everyone will have their opinion, but you have to live with the situation and you have to choose what you can live with and what you can't. The pastors and the friends and the psychologist and the authors of the books don't have to live with it, you do...so your opinion counts more than anyone else. Divorce, when considered a sin is no different than any other sin and is forgiven just as any other sin is forgiven. The problem is, the church has made marriage into an idol. 40 years ago, alcoholism and nicotine addiction were the idol. People who drank and smoked were ostracized from the church and now people say very little about it, they even have support groups created to help people with addictions that are held within the church structure. Today the issue is marriage/divorce and 40 years from now who knows what the issue will be. All I know is that the God I serve values women, has taken steps to protect them from the "hardened hearts" of men and it is not His will that any person should be harmed. I believe that the reason He hates divorce is because of the consequences of it; it can be painful, it can be destructive and the aftermath can be difficult for all involved. However, He did not say not to do it and He gave individuals a way out. Scripture says that God always provides a way out....why would He not provide a way out of such sinful and destructive relationships as those with abuse involved? The Lord forgave and stood up for the woman caught in adultery and He also forgave Rahab in the Old Testament. Although those are not direct examples of what we are talking about, I believe they do show the heart of God towards women who are being abused by and taken advantage of by men.

In regard to the teaching of not following your feelings, I am aware of that teaching, however if we aren't supposed to pay attention to our feelings, why did God give them to us? God has feelings and scripture often says that Jesus was moved by compassion before He healed someone. We aren't supposed to base our decisions entirely on them, but feelings are messengers and we are supposed to pay attention to the message. Take fear for example; if you are walking on a dark street and all of a sudden the hair on the back of your neck stands up and you get a nervous twitch in your stomach...that is a warning. Individuals who haven't paid attention to that warning have ended up murdered, raped or assaulted. If we ascribe to the teaching that we aren't to follow our feelings, then we cut off a very valuable part of our discernment which is a gift that God has given us. Scripture also says that God gives us the desires of our hearts...which means that He places desires in our hearts that He would have us follow. If we weren't moved by desire...which is also a feeling...how would be be able to follow Him in those areas? The idea that feelings are bad and should be ignored is a very false premise...the truth is that we aren't to be ruled by emotion, but we are to use it in conjunction with wisdom, with reasoning and with truth in order to make informed and good decisions.

How severe does the domestic violence have to be? Here are the definitions to keep in mind: (not my words, these came from the dictionary)

"# The definition of abuse: 1) to use wrongly or improperly, misuse, 2) to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way: 3) to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about;
# Abuse turns into trauma when an emotional wound or shock creates substantial, lasting damage to the psychological development of a person"

In simple terms, severity relates to a pattern of behavior. Usually individuals can deal with difficult behavior when someone has a bad day or they are ill and irritable. Those situations don't happen all the time. However, when the pattern of bad behavior persists monthly, weekly or daily, then there is little time for the victim to recover and over time, that creates lasting damage to the emotional and psychological health of the victim. The issue that I see with those who are pressuring you to stay is that they are not giving you credit for the years of chances that you have already given your husband to change. When you found yourself asking for help, it was not because this had been the first time your husband had been abusive. He had been abusive many, many times. At this point, the consequences of that abuse are apparent, are beyond what you can overcome. That needs to be taken into consideration.

In leaving the situation, you are not saying that you don't believe this person is incapable of change and healing, it just says that you have reached a point where you cannot endure the process any longer and if he is going to change and heal, he is fully capable of doing that without you there to be the recipient of his bad behavior. You withstand the pressure by standing with people who agree with you, finding an abuse counselor who can be of support to you and by standing firm in the knowledge of why you are leaving. If you have reached a point that you are not able to grow in this relationship, or that you cannot recover from the abuse that has happened to you within this relationship, those may be deal breakers for you. You define what your deal breakers are and then stand in your convictions. That will require some courage and inner strength. Like I said before, once out of these relationships, most women find they have a clearer head and can see what has happened to them over the time they have been with the abuser.

If you aren't at a place where you believe you can withstand the outside pressure, you have to assess that. If you aren't strong enough, then my best advice would be to seek out an abuse counselor, someone who has experience with abused women, and work on those inner beliefs that keep you there. Invest in yourself, strengthen yourself, get healthy and create a support network around you that you can fall back on when you feel tired and hopeless. Just understand that whether you divorce or not, God loves you and that will NEVER change. You will never be "less than" in His eyes for anything that you do or don't do. He loves you unconditionally."
As you can see, this is a very complex subject. There are no pat answers, simply because people are individuals and as such, their relationships are unique. However, abuse has a very distinct and repeatable pattern to it; so much so that many, many books and much research have been written on the subject. Bottom line, at least for me, is that relationship is a privilege and we all must honor and respect each other in them. Individuals who are unable or unwilling to do that, first need to be confronted and if there is no change, then the two people go to a mediator and if they continue to refuse to make the changes necessary, then the consequences are clear. That is the Matthew 18 principle.

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Why She Stays

Many people who have not been abused by an intimate partner often say that if their partner ever abused them they certainly would leave. Remaining in or returning to an abusive relationship may be a rational survival mechanism. Domestic violence victims are not always passive. They may attempt to protect themselves through a variety of mechanisms short of leaving. Below are some of the reason victims choose to stay or return to an abusive relationship.
Commitment to the relationship. There are serious factors that weigh on a victim's decision to leave. The abuser is the person the victim loves. This makes leaving the abuser especially difficult where violent episodes are followed by periods of affection and positive attention. The abuser may be the father/mother of the victim's children. The victim may want to end the violence, but also preserve the family relationship.
Lack of self-confidence. Ending an intimate relationship is almost always difficult, but even more so when the victim’s self-confidence has been destroyed by abuse.
Believes the myths about domestic violence. Victims of domestic violence may assume that violence in an unavoidable part of life. Victims may also blame themselves for the violence.
No place to go. There are more animal shelters in the U.S. than shelters for battered women and children. Domestic violence is the cause of half of the homelessness in America's women and children.
Hope of change. Many abusers are remorseful after abusing the victim. This contrite behavior may include promising never to hit again, agreeing to seek counseling if the victim promises not to leave, reminding the victim of how hard the perpetrator works, pointing out the incredible stresses under which s/he is operating, acknowledging the wrongfulness of his/her violence to the children and asking their help in stopping it, and demonstrating his/her love for the victim in meaningful ways. Since victims have often built their lives around the relationship, they hope for change. When the abuser acknowledges the error of his/her ways, when s/he breaks down and cries and concedes the need for dramatic change, hope is often born anew for the victim.
Isolation. Many victims of domestic violence do not have a support system. The abuser has isolated them. For example, the abuser may prohibit the victim from using the phone, may humiliate him/her at family gatherings, may insist on transporting him/her to and from work, or may censor his/her mail. Abusers are often highly possessive and excessively jealous. They believe that they own the victim and are entitled to his/her exclusive attention and absolute obedience. The abuser knows that if the truth is known about his/her conduct, support persons will encourage the victim to leave the abuser. Therefore, abusers isolate victims in order to sustain the power of violence.
Societal denial. Victims of domestic violence fear that no one will believe that their partners abuse them. Abusers are often ingratiating and popular and keep their terrorizing and controlling behaviors within the family behind closed doors. The victim knows this and it compounds his/her fear that no one will believe them. Victims of domestic violence also discover that many people and agencies in the community trivialize the impact of domestic violence. For example, doctors may prescribe Valium for coping, ministers may recommend more accommodating behaviors, and therapists may advise better communication with the abuser. Victims conclude that if others do not understand the seriousness of the violence, they will condemn the disruption caused by leaving the relationship.
Abuser's threats. Even when the victim decides to leave, the abuser may threaten to seek custody of their children, to withhold financial support, to interfere with the victim’s employment or housing, to kill other family members, to commit retaliatory suicide, or to escalate the violence in an attempt to keep the victim in the relationship.
Dangers in leaving. Many victims believe that leaving is not going to make his/her life and their children’s lives safer. Many victims of domestic violence are killed by their partners after they have left the abuser. Leaving, itself, can be a dangerous process. Many abusers escalate their violence in order to coerce the victim into reconciliation or to retaliate for the victim’s departure. Leaving requires strategic planning and legal intervention to safeguard victims and their children.
Economic dependency. The most likely indicator of whether a victim of domestic violence will permanently separate from his/her abuser is whether s/he has the economic resources to survive without the abuser. Therefore, it is incredibly important that victims obtain support awards in protection orders and are referred to abused women’s programs where they can learn about other economic supports, job training, and employment opportunities.
Leaving is a process. Most victims of domestic violence leave and return several times before permanently separating from the abuser. The first time a victim leaves may be a test to see whether the abuser will obtain help or stop his/her abuse. The victim may leave temporarily in order to gain more information about the resources available to her before leaving the abuser permanently. Most victims of domestic violence do leave eventually. When victims stay, friends, family, and agencies in the community need to look to see what they are doing to hinder the process of leaving and make changes to facilitate leaving.
Retrieved from http://www.law.indiana.edu/pop/domestic_violence/stays.shtml on June 18, 2008. provided by Living Well Counseling and Consulting, LLC www.livingwellcc.com info@livingwellcc.com

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