Personality Traits Are Important When Looking At A Potential Mate

Image via WikipediaPersonality traits are intrinsic differences that remain stable throughout most of our life. They are the constant aspects of our individuality.  A person's individuality is comprised of their temperament traits, personality traits and habit patterns.  These ingredients can manifest themselves in different ways as they are influenced by environment and relationships during childhood.   In light of this definition, it is important to understand what can and cannot be changed about an individual.  Many times, men and women are attracted by certain characteristics about the opposite sex and develop a bond with that person based on perceptions that they have about relationships and people.  Additionally, when that happens, a hormone called PEA is released and the individuals lose their sense of objectivity.  Under the influence of PEA, traits that may be difficult to deal with, embarrassing or even obnoxious are often overlooked or considered "cute".  Once the PEA wears off, these traits become much less "cute" and in some cases can turn into different forms of abuse over time.


Going into a relationship with the idea that you can change a person or just love them enough to change particular behavioral characteristics is often a recipe for disaster.  Habits are things we learn and with enough motivation can be changed.  Personality and temperament are what make us individuals and are part of our unique identity.  Personality and temperament can be influenced by abuse and the effects of that abuse can be healed, which may be interpreted as behavioral changes, but healing simply restores the person to their original "programming"...it does not change them.  


The New York Longitudinal Studies found that "Children are born with their natural style of interacting with or reacting to people, places, and things".  This means that if you interact with a person who has specific traits that you don't like, you either need to learn to work with that person or not....it would not be wise to engage in long term relationships believing that you can change them.  Studies also have shown that individuals who have been victims of certain levels of abuse during their childhood don't individuate.  They grow up to be individuals who view relationships as a part of themselves and see the other person as a completion of themselves.  When individuals with this type of wounding establish a bond with individuals who have personality traits which fall into the DIFFICULT, ACTIVE OR FEISTY personality type, there may be some issues which result.  Therefore, it is always a good idea to take inventory of who we are as opposed to who someone else is when establishing relationships.  Feelings alone will not be an accurate determination of whether a relationship will work or not.  


The Longitudinal Study found that there were nine distinct temperament traits that human beings are born with:

• Activity: Is the child always moving and doing something OR does he or she have a more relaxed style?
• Rhythmicity: Is the child regular in his or her eating and sleeping habits OR somewhat haphazard?
• Approach/withdrawal: Does he or she "never meet a stranger" OR tend to shy away from new people or things?
• Adaptability: Can the child adjust to changes in routines or plans easily or does he or she resist transitions?
• Intensity: Does he or she react strongly to situations, either positive or negative, OR does he or she react calmly and quietly?
• Mood: Does the child often express a negative outlook OR is he or she generally a positive person? Does his or her mood shift frequently OR is he or she usually even-tempered?s
• Persistence and attention span: Does the child give up as soon as a problem arises with a task OR does he or she keep on trying? Can he or she stick with an activity a long time OR does his or her mind tend to wander?
• Distractibility: Is the child easily distracted from what he or she is doing OR can he or she shut out external distractions and stay with the current activity?
• Sensory threshold: Is he or she bothered by external stimuli such as loud noises, bright lights, or food textures OR does he or she tend to ignore them?

In addition to this, the study pointed out three distinct temperament types:

• Easy or flexible children are generally calm, happy, regular in sleeping and eating habits, adaptable, and not easily upset. Because of their easy style, parents need to set aside special times to talk about the child's frustrations and hurts because he or she won't demand or ask for it. This intentional communication will be necessary to strengthen your relationship and find out what your child is thinking and feeling.
• Difficult, active, or feisty children are often fussy, irregular in feeding and sleeping habits, fearful of new people and situations, easily upset by noise and commotion, high strung, and intense in their reactions. Providing areas for vigorous play to work off stored up energy and frustrations with some freedom of choice allow these children to be successful. Preparing these children for activity changes and using redirection will help these children transition (move or change) from one place to another.
• Slow to warm up or cautious children are relatively inactive and fussy, tend to withdraw or to react negatively to new situations, but their reactions gradually become more positive with continuous exposure. Sticking to a routine and your word, along with allowing ample time to establish relationships in new situations, are necessary to allow independence to unfold.

Although human beings are usually highly adaptive to the situations they find themselves, those ways of adapting are more than likely based on their temperament traits and styles.  For example, if we just look at how a person is influenced by their brain wave patterns...individuals who are able to spend more time in Delta sleep than others have a tendency to be more compassionate and less anxious than others.  Individuals who spend more of their time in Beta or Gamma wave patterns are the Type A individuals or the highly intellectual individuals.  Our physical composition has everything to do with our personalities, our temperaments and the way we respond to difficult situations.  So, as you consider these things, what DO YOU think would be the answer to the question....can he change?

In my opinion, the answer to that question would be no....a person cannot change...however they can be healed and they can be restored to their original blueprint.  That in itself is a worthy goal, but to that end, the person still may not be a good fit for the relationship. 

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Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder

In the realm of personality disorders, the DSM-IV TR lists a total of nine. Some of them are well known and some of them are not. The ones that most people are familiar with are the anti-social types which are commonly called serial killers or psychopaths. Narcissistic and Borderline Personality disorders are becoming more well known in our day and age as well. However, there is another disorder that is worth noting, considering the perfectionism that is becoming so standard within our culture. The one I am speaking of is Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.
There are no personality disorders that are ever diagnosed in children, however personality disorders are characterized as being pervasive over the lifetime. What that means is that even though the disorder may be recognized in its total extent once the person is 18 or older, in my opinion, when you look back over the person's early life as a child or adolescent, there are indicators there that can point toward these disorders in later life. For example, no psychologist or counselor would look at a child who abuses animals, mistreats insects etc and say they are serial killers, that would be inappropriate. However, when you look back over the lives of known serial killers, you will more than likely find that type of behavior. Individuals who are diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder usually have childhoods that are filled with problematic behavior, exaggeration and mis-perception, but it needs to develop over time in order to see the course develop. It is the same way with OCPD. The person with this disorder is very rigid, preoccupied with rules and is unable to engage in the spirit or principle of a thing...they only see the rule. That doesn't mean that every child who is preoccupied with cleanliness and rules is going to grow up with this disorder, but it can mean that parents should pay attention to this behavior and do their best to bring a sense of balance to their child's life.
Mentalhealth.com puts it this way:
"Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder is a condition characterized by a chronic preoccupation with rules, orderliness, and control. This disorder is only diagnosed when these behaviors become persistent and disabling. The individual with this disorder often becomes upset when control is lost. The individual then either emotionally withdraws from these situations, or becomes very angry. The individual usually expresses affection in a highly controlled or stilted fashion and may be very uncomfortable in the presence of others who are emotionally expressive. The person often has difficulty expressing tender feelings, and rarely pays compliments.
Complications:
The individual's chronic preoccupation with rules, orderliness, and control seems to prevent many of the complications (e.g., drug abuse, reckless sex, financial irresponsibility) that are common to some other personality disorders. Occupationally, the individual tends to be a high achiever with an excessive devotion to work. However, inflexibility, perfectionism, preoccupation with detail, and inability to delegate work may seriously interfere with the individual's ability to complete a given task. The individual experiences occupational difficulties when confronted with new situations that demand flexibility and compromise."
OCPD differs from Obsessive Compulsive disorder in the following ways:
1. OCD is an illness with symptoms that change in severity over time, while OCPD reflects an overly rigid personality style that does not change much over a person’s lifetime.
2. OCPD is not associated with the obsessions and compulsions that are so prominent in OCD. Although people with OCD and OCPD might both carry out repetitive behaviors, the underlying motive is very different. While someone with OCD might repeatedly write out lists or organize items around the home to keep a catastrophe from taking place, someone with OCPD would be more likely to do these activities to increase their efficiency or productivity.
3. While people with OCD usually want to get rid of their symptoms, it is not uncommon for people with OCPD to see nothing wrong with their behavior and to feel that “other people” are the problem. Likewise, although people with OCD will usually seek help for the distress caused by their obsession or compulsions, individuals with OCPD will usually seek treatment because of conflict between themselves and family and friends related to their need to have others conform to their way of doing things.
4. People with OCPD often have very rigid views on “right versus wrong,” and this rigidity may extend to spending habits; people with OCPD are often described as miserly. Neither of these is a defining characteristic of OCD.
5. In comparison to those with OCD, people with OCPD tend to be more ruled by perfectionism and have a higher need for order and control in both their personal and professional lives. It is not uncommon for individuals with OCPD to become irritated by others who do not value order, perfectionism and exactness to the same extent that they do. Because of this perfectionism, it is not uncommon for people with OCPD to be overly devoted to work.
(comparison taken from http://ocd.about.com/od/diagnosis/f/OCD_OCPDFAQ.htm)
This particular disorder can be categorized in a nutshell by understanding that people with OCPD live entirely in their heads, often to avoid the pain of life that is seen as out of control. They are preoccupied with excellence, perfection and production, to the extent that the feelings of those around them are insignificant. Their connection to their hearts has been mostly cut off which gets in the way of deep, intimate relationships. As with most of the personality disorders, feelings are "done" rather than "felt". Often, individuals who are Christians come into counseling because they don't understand why their relationship with God seems so distant. They view others who seem to be able to hear God speak to them, feel His presence and have a productive prayer life and may wonder why they can't "do that".
When you look at the world with the understanding of OCPD, you may see some different things. This is often a very lonely existence, made up by working harder and harder at production and excellence. The question then begs to be asked, does our society...the one which places SO MUCH emphasis on beauty, perfection and success...does it create and feed disorders such as this? What do you think?

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