Signs of Being in an Abusive Relationship

In all the articles that I have read on this subject, I think the one written by the Mayo Clinic is one of the best.  I don't think that I could say it any better so I will put the entire article here for your reference:

Domestic violence toward women: Recognize the patterns and seek help

By Mayo Clinic staff

Your partner apologizes and says the hurtful behavior won't happen again. But you fear it will. At times you may start to doubt your own judgment, or wonder whether you're going crazy. You may even feel like you've imagined the whole thing. But the emotional or physical pain you feel is real. If this sounds familiar, you may be the victim of domestic violence.

Also called domestic abuse, intimate partner violence or battering, domestic violence occurs between people in intimate relationships. It can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse. Men are sometimes abused by female or male partners, but domestic violence is most often directed toward women. It can happen in heterosexual or lesbian relationships.

Unfortunately, domestic violence against women is common. It happens to teenage girls and women of all backgrounds. As many as 4 million women suffer abuse from their husbands, ex-husbands, boyfriends or intimate partners in the United States each year.

Recognizing abuse: Know the signs

It may not be easy to identify abuse, especially at first. While some relationships are clearly abusive from the outset, abuse often starts subtly and gets worse over time. For example, abuse may begin with occasional hurtful comments, jealousy or controlling behavior. As it gets worse, the abuse may become more frequent, severe or violent. As the cycle of abuse worsens, your safety or the safety of your children may be in danger.

You may be a victim of abuse if you're in a relationship with someone who:

§                                 Controls finances, so you have to ask for money

§                                 Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you

§                                 Acts jealous or possessive, or accuses you of being unfaithful

§                                 Tries to control how you spend your time, who you see or talk to, where you go or what

                  you wear

§                                 Wants you to get permission to make everyday decisions

§                                 Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs

§                                 Scares you by driving recklessly

§                                 Threatens to kill him or herself

You are very likely in an abusive relationship if you have a relationship with someone who does even one of the following:

§                                 Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, or chokes you or threatens you with violence or a weapon

§                                 Forces you to have sexual intercourse or engage in sexual acts against your will

§                                 Calls you names, insults you or puts you down

§                                 Prevents you from going to work or school

§                                 Stops you from seeing family members and friends

§                                 Hurts, or threatens to hurt you, your children or pets

§                                 Destroys your property

§                                 Controls your access to medicines

§                                 Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it

§                                 Says that his or her abusive behavior is no big deal or even denies doing it

§                                 Tries to force you to drop charges

§                                 Tries to prevent you from calling the police or seeking medical care

Pregnancy, children and abuse

Pregnancy is a particularly perilous time for an abused woman. Not only is your health at risk, but also the health of your unborn child. Abuse can begin or may increase during pregnancy.

Abusive relationships can also be particularly damaging to children, even if they're just witnesses. But for women in an abusive relationship, chances are much higher that their children also will be direct victims of abuse. Over half of men who abuse their female partners also abuse their children.

You may worry that seeking help may further endanger you or your children, or that it may break up your family. But in the long run, seeking help when you safely can is the best way to protect your children — and yourself.

An abusive relationship: It's about power and control

Though there are no typical victims of domestic violence, abusive relationships do share similar characteristics. In all cases, the abuser aims to exert power and control over his partner.

Although a lot of people think domestic violence is about anger, it really isn't. Batterers do tend to take their anger out on their intimate partner. But it's not really about anger. It's about trying to instill fear and wanting to have power and control in the relationship. In an abusive relationship, the abuser may use varying tactics to gain power and control, including:

§                                 Emotional abuse. Uses put-downs, insults, criticism or name-calling to make you feel bad about yourself.

§                                 Denial and blame. Denies that the abuse occurs and shifts responsibility for the abusive behavior onto you. This may leave you confused and unsure of yourself.

§                                 Intimidation. Uses certain looks, actions or gestures to instill fear. The abuser may break things, destroy property, abuse pets or display weapons.

§                                 Coercion and threats. Threatens to hurt other family members, pets, children or self.

§                                 Power. Makes all major decisions, defines the roles in your relationship, is in charge of the home and social life, and treats you like a servant or possession.

§                                 Isolation. Limits your contact with family and friends, requires you to get permission to leave the house, doesn't allow you to work or attend school, and controls your activities and social events. The abuser may ask where you've been, track your time and whereabouts, or check the odometer on your car.

§                                 Children as pawns. Accuses you of bad parenting, threatens to take the children away, uses the children to relay messages, or threatens to report you to children's protective services.

§                                 Economic abuse. Controls finances, refuses to share money, makes you account for money spent and doesn't want you to work outside the home. The abuser may also try to sabotage your work performance by forcing you to miss work or by calling you frequently at work.

Breaking the cycle: Difficult, but possible with help

Domestic violence is part of a continuing cycle that's difficult to break. If you're in an abusive situation, you may recognize this pattern:

§                                 Your abuser strikes using words or actions.

§                                 Your abuser may beg for forgiveness, offer gifts or promise to change.

§                                 Your abuser becomes tense, angry or depressed.

§                                 Your abuser repeats the abusive behavior.

Typically each time the abuse occurs, it worsens, and the cycle shortens. As it gets worse, you may have a hard time doing anything about the abuse or even acknowledging it. Over time, an abusive relationship can break you down and unravel your sense of reality and self-esteem. You may begin to doubt your ability to take care of yourself. You may start to feel like the abuse is your fault, or you may even feel you deserve it.

This can be paralyzing, and you may feel helpless or as though your only option is to stay in the abusive situation. It's important to recognize that you may not be in a position to resolve the situation on your own.

But you can do something — and the sooner you take action the better. You may need outside help, and that's OK. Without help, the abuse will likely continue. Leaving the abusive relationship may be the only way to break the cycle.

A number of government and private agencies provide resources and support to women who are abused and their children. These resources include 24-hour telephone hot lines, shelters, counseling and legal services. Many of these services are free and can provide immediate assistance.

Create a safety plan

Leaving an abuser can be dangerous. You're the only one who knows the safest time to leave. You may know you are in an abusive relationship and realize you need to leave as soon as you safely can. Or, you may be concerned about your partner's behavior and think you may need to get out at some point in the future. Either way, being prepared can help you leave quickly if you need to. Consider taking these precautions:

§                                 Arrange a safety signal with a neighbor as an alert to call the police if necessary.

§                                 Prepare an emergency bag that includes items you'll need when you leave, such as extra clothes, important papers, money, extra keys and prescription medications.

§                                 Know exactly where you'll go and how you'll get there, even if you have to leave in the middle of the night.

§                                 Call a local women's shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 to find out about legal options and resources available to you, before you need them.

§                                 If you have school-age children, notify the school authorities or school counselor about custody arrangements and warn them about possible threats.

Keep your communication private

It isn't uncommon for an abuser to monitor mail, telephone and Internet communication. Take precautions to help maintain your privacy and safety by following these steps.

Telephone conversations

§                                 Avoid making long-distance phone calls from home. Your abuser could trace the calls to find out where you're going.

§                                 Be cautious when using a cell phone. Your abuser may be able to intercept conversations using a scanner. Switch to a corded phone if you're relaying sensitive information.

§                                 Be aware of controlling use of your cell phone. Your abuser may use frequent cell phone conversations or text messages as a way to monitor and control your activities. An abuser may also check your cell phone to see who has called, or attempt to check your messages.

Computer use

If you think your abuser is monitoring your computer use, the safest bet is to access a computer at a friend's house or at the library. If you do use a shared home computer, there are several steps you can take to help maintain your privacy:

§                                 Use a Web-based program for e-mail. Programs such as Outlook Express, Netscape Mail and Eudora store sent and received e-mails on your computer. A Web-based e-mail service is safer. Most of these services — such Gmail, Hotmail and Yahoo mail — offer free e-mail accounts.

§                                 Store files on the Internet. You can store files online and access them from any computer. A few companies that offer this service are IBackup and HyperOffice. You can also store documents as attachments in e-mail programs.

§                                 Change your password often. Choose passwords that would be impossible to guess. The safest passwords contain at least six characters, both numbers and letters. Avoid easily guessed numbers and sequences.

§                                 Clear your Web-browser history. Browsers such as Internet Explorer or Netscape Navigator keep a record of the Web pages and documents you have accessed. They also store graphics of images you look at. You can also use a program such as AbsoluteShield Internet Eraser or Speed Tracks Eraser to clear your Internet records.

§                                 Clear your document history. Applications such as Word or Excel keep a record of edited documents. Don't store or edit any documents you don't want your abuser to see on a shared computer.

Where to find help

No one deserves to be abused. If you think you may be in an abusive situation, seek help or advice as soon as you safely can. There are many resources available to help you. The first step to getting out of an abusive situation may be as easy as making one phone call. In an emergency situation, call 911, your local emergency number or your local law enforcement agency. If you aren't in immediate danger, the following resources can help:

§                                 National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE, or (800) 799-7233. Provides crisis intervention and referrals to in-state or out-of-state resources, such as women's shelters or crisis centers.

§                                 Your doctor or hospital emergency room. Treats any injuries and refers you to safe housing and other local resources.

§                                 Local women's shelter or crisis center. Typically provides 24-hour, emergency shelter for you and your children, advice on legal matters, advocacy and support services, and evaluation and monitoring of abusers. Some shelters have staff members who speak multiple languages.

§                                 Counseling or mental health center. Most communities have agencies that provide individual counseling and support groups to women in abusive relationships. Be wary of advice to seek couples or marriage counseling. This isn't appropriate for resolving problems of violence in intimate relationships.

§                                 Local court. Your district court can help you obtain a court order, which legally mandates the abuser stay away from you or face arrest. These are typically called orders for protection or restraining orders. Advocates are available in many communities to help you complete the paperwork and guide you through the court process.

§                                 Books and online resources. Learning more about how to cope with your situation and communicating with others who understand what you're going through can help you make strong choices.

WO00044

May 23, 2007

© 1998-2009 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research (MFMER). All rights reserved. A single copy of these materials may be reprinted for noncommercial personal use only. "Mayo," "Mayo Clinic," "MayoClinic.com," "EmbodyHealth," "Reliable tools for healthier lives," "Enhance your life," and the triple-shield Mayo Clinic logo are trademarks of Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research.

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The Value of The Process

The beginning of a new year has come and gone.  Although it seems like this is way too soon, we again face another 12 months ahead of us and what we are going to do with that time.  I volunteer my time for another website where individuals can write to me and ask questions about domestic violence, abuse and remarriage.  Over the holidays, there were so many people writing for information because they were either in an abusive situation or were seeing a loved one in an abusive situation.  The holidays put an incredible amount of stress on families and on people who are dealing with a lot of stress already in their lives.  As we all know, stress only makes abuse worse because individuals who don't have a lot of skills to deal with their stress anyway, have financial, familial, job and sometimes personal stressors such as depression and/or anxiety heaped upon them and they are just unable to cope anymore.

So, why do I say this now?  Perhaps it is because no one is immune to the effects of stress.  High levels of stress over a long period of time wears away at a person's internal resources.  Patience gets thin, problem solving abilities become paralyzed and energy levels drop.  This is a lethal combination.  Looking back over the holidays, one can make an assessment about where they are on the stress meter.  Once the stress of the holidays subsides, we tend to look back and go, wow, that was a really rough patch!  Then we move on.  However there is something to be said about learning from any problematic behaviors that surfaced during those times of stress.  In all honesty, there are some who say that if there was no predisposition to behave in whatever inappropriate ways we may have acted out, we wouldn't have behaved that way.  High stress situations tend to produce behaviors that we never thought we would do.  Historical perspective confirms that.....look at the Donner party.  Crossing high mountain passes by wagon, they got caught in winter weather and could not proceed.  Supplies eventually ran out and they were starving.  People in their party died and they resorted to cannibalism to stay alive.  Would they have done that under any other conditions? Most likely not.  But under the stress of fear and death, they did things they never imagined they would ever do.

These are the things to consider when we look at abuse and our behavioral responses to high stress situations.  Inappropriate responses only become problematic when they start forming patterns.  Looking back at the holidays, if you've been around for more than a couple years you can look back on a pattern of behavior during family gatherings, high stress conditions etc.  If there is a pattern there, you might want to begin to look at why the pattern exists and what you can do about it.  Abuse becomes an issue when it becomes a pattern.    Using the Donner party as an example again...would you call them cannibals?  No, not at all.  None of them reached their destination and began to consume human flesh on a regular basis.  Therefore you  believe that their behavior was the product of a desperate situation which modified their lives so radically in that specific time that they took radical action to survive.

If there is someone in your life who has a pattern of treating you disrespectfully, dishonorably, aggressively or unsafely...then you have to look at that and make some decisions.  Why is this person behaving this way?  If it is stress, we can understand that but if the pattern continues then the question has to be asked as to why they aren't doing something to correct their behavior and response patterns.  When others behaviors and/or words impact another person negatively over a period of time, something needs to be done.  According to scripture there is a process meant to deal with this kind of thing.  It is called the Matthew 18 principle.

In Matthew 18, scripture tells us that if we are having a problem with someone we should first go to them and talk to them privately about the situation.  This usually happens between spouses or friends by saying, "I don't know if you realize this, but when I get called names and am yelled at, it makes me afraid and I don't want to be here anymore."   If that produces no change, then we go with them to a third party.  In this day and age that could be a pastor, a counselor or some type of mediator who can give an outside opinion and hold the parties accountable to any agreement that may be reached during this process.  If that produces no change, the offender is then brought before an authority figure.  Scripture talks about the elders of the church and the church body which still holds true in a church setting, but in a secular setting this might mean calling in the police in the case of domestic violence or enrolling in a group counseling program, going to rehab etc.  The last instruction that is given is that if there is no change, if the behavior doesn't come to an end, the person is put out of the church, divorced so to speak.  Scripture always holds open reconciliation as an option in this case, which most people tend to do even past the point when they should.  However in any restoration that is considered, there has to be mountains of evidence which proves that the person has gotten the help they need, no longer exhibits the inappropriate behavior and can be trusted to be a person of honor and integrity.

Often when I hear of Pastors who have fallen, either personally or professionally, there are people who will go to them with offers to help them put their lives straight, but if they refuse the help or go through the process without the commitment to change and receive the healing they need, reconciliation does not happen.  This is where husbands and wives fall down in the process.  Reconciliation absolutely cannot happen until the offender is willing, able and committed to the process and follows it through to completion.  In churches, there is then a panel of individuals who go over the evidence, consider the attitude of the person throughout the process as well as their behavior and overall character after completing the process.  Most of the time what happens is the victim sees the offender in pain, hears an apology as well as a promise to change and that is it.

The reason we can't do that is because it is only through time and the healing process that these individuals will metabolize the healing and character changes that need to take place to become the functioning individuals they need to be.  Additionally, most offenders want their victims to be the ones who help them get better and that is so very, very inappropriate.  Victims need to heal as much as the offenders need to heal.  Matthew 15:14 says that if the blind lead the blind, they will both fall in the ditch....which in laymen's terms means that if the victim had the skill set to help the offender, that person wouldn't be a victim.

If someone in your life has a pattern of treating you badly, these are the steps to take in order to correct the situation.  Each step depends on the willingness of the offending individual to participate in the process.  At any point where the offender stops participating, the process stops and there is little left to do than remove yourself from the situation.  You can't try for them and you can't change them.  You can only give them opportunities to try and to change and if they refuse, they need to receive the consequences of those decisions.

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Abuse Effects the Entire Family

It is often times as traumatic for the family of an abuse victim to watch what is going on with their loved one as it is for the person going through the abuse.  Although we clearly love and are concerned about our family member, one of the most terrible feelings is the lack of control that family members feel to help the person break free from the abuse they are experiencing.  Most of the time, individuals outside the perimeter of an abusive relationship can see much more clearly what is happening to their family member, but the frustration is in getting that family member to see the truth of what is happening and take action to stop the abuse.

It is very difficult for a person who has little true self esteem and even less identity for themselves to stand up and do what it takes to leave an abuser. Often the family does not understand the dynamics that keep the victim bound.  Many times the victim is in the situation because they don't like to see other people in pain.  That fact alone will allow them to be manipulated by the abuser simply because the abuser is in pain all the time.  

Family members tend to lose sight of the fact that even if the relationship is abusive, there is still attachment there - albeit negative attachment.  The attachment and bonding between human beings is quite strong, however the desire not to be alone can be much stronger so negative attachment will suffice.  Therefore, an abuse victim will need support from any and all places it can be found, whether that be family or friends.  That is why it is so important not to allow the abuser to sever relationships with the victim.  Sometimes that alone is a difficult task because those relationships can be a threat to the abuser who will be working to isolate and control the victim.  Even if it is difficult and frustrating, it is important for friends and family to keep lines of communication open with the victim; it will be needed should the decision to leave ever becomes an option.

Bessel Van der Kolk, a research scientist who has written much about trauma and abuse has stated that as long as people can imagine having some control over what is happening to them, they can keep their wits about them.  That idea of control keeps hope alive so the abuse victim needs to be continually fed with choices, with options, with the truth that there is a network of people who will support them once the decision to get out is made.  A family can provide that support; however they need to be a strong, united front for the person they are trying to protect.   He has also stated that one of the coping strategies for victims is to dissociate, which can look like supreme denial or compartmentalism of thought and once they engage in that behavior, they become incapable of goal directed action.  

The abuse victim has many considerations to think about in order to make a decision to leave.  Finances, childcare, educational pursuits, and often getting a job with skills that are outdated or under used can be major obstacles in the planning of a transition out of an abusive relationship.  Support from family and friends to help the victim see that there are options can be invaluable as to whether the victim stays or leaves.  More often than not she will not be able to see past her husband either forbidding her to move out of a place of control or putting up obstacles such as not taking care of the children while she is work to harassing her by phone at her job or showing up and making a scene so that she eventually loses her position.  

Introduce children into the mix and things become very challenging because another generation is experiencing the modeling of abusive behaviors.  The true effects of abuse and trauma on children is a place of heavy denial for mothers who are in these relationships.  Some of the myths they believe are that if they don't fight in front of the kids, the kids aren't affected.  Another myth is that even though the husband may be abusive to the wife, he is still a good father.  This particular myth is untrue simply because abuse against a primary caregiver of the child by the other caregiver is immensely traumatizing.  Unless the husband is treating his wife with respect and honor, he cannot be a good father to his children.

Grandparents, parents, sibling and friends can have a better perspective of what is happening within an abusive relationship than the victim inside.  However, with that said, the victim has a better barometer of how much danger she is in at any moment in time.  It has been proven that the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship, especially a physically abusive relationship, is when she leaves.  That is why she needs a very strong support network she can count on, not only at that time but in the weeks and months after she leaves because it has been proven that abuse does not end after the marriage ends.  There can be stalking, manipulation and attempts to control through other means, especially the children.  

Family and friends, over time lose hope and get frustrated with the abuse victim who continually says she wants change but puts no effort to effect that change.  Statistics show that a woman will leave at least 7 times before she leaves for good but often families lose hope well before that.  When that happens, the victim loses the sense of her support network which makes it even more difficult to leave.  

Family members can fall under the control of the abuser just as much as the victim has simply because they realize that whatever they do to support their loved one is met with abusive action against her by the abuser.  They soon stop their efforts because they do not want to be the ones responsible for hurting their loved one.  Although they are not the ones directly inflicting the abuse, they feel powerless against the abuser who is.  If the family will step out and make use of the resources available, such as local women's centers or Domestic Violence organizations, they can continue to support their loved one in indirect ways.  If the children are being abuse, there are more avenues open to family members to use law enforcement and child protective services to intervene; however the family must be willing to do so and make the consequences stick.

Abusers get away with their actions because their victims do not enforce consequences that are available to them.  Consequences, however distasteful, may serve to turn around an abuser's life and instill a desire for healing and change.  That desire must come from within the heart of the abuser in order for change to come...no one can do it for them.  

In closing, if there is any question, it is NEVER appropriate for the abuser to request help from the victim.  Abusers are adults and are very capable of finding help for themselves.  Allowing them to do so helps to empower them and puts the responsibility for their healing in their hands, rather than piling it on the back of the one they have abused.

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Abuse of Husbands in a Marriage

First, I'd like to apologize for not posting in a timely manner, but life sometimes gets in the way and it certainly has for me in the last couple weeks.  Thank you for your patience!
Although most domestic violence is perpetrated from male to female, I try to bring forward the understanding that abuse can go both ways. I recently had a question come to me from a man who is experiencing this kind of situation in his relationship and doesn't know what to do. Please read the following with an understanding heart:
"My wife completely denies that she has been abusive in any way but I feel certain she has been to both me and my child, My wife has screamed out several times one night that my daughter's mother was a whore and slut with my daughter in the next room, talk's to her like a dog and tells her speak child speak! grabs her by both arms and bends over and puts her face in my childs face and yells at her with her teeth clinched. as for me she has gotten angry with me and slapped me in the chest 5 or 6 times and said that was not abuse, I have a heart condition, and on several occasions started screaming at my with me literally begging her to stop and that i was afraid she would give me a heart attack and i would did. still she said this is not abuse. would call me names but say it is not verbal abuse. she would say i was economically abusive because I would ask her if she has paid her credit card bills, but not acknowledge the fact that the reason I would ask is because over four years she ran up thousands of dollars, that I didn't know about, and not paying the bills on time,resulting in 29.9% rates and effecting our credit.fallowed me around and yelling when I would try to walk away from an argument, stand in front of or hang on to my truck if I tried to drive away to avoid an argument. went to all of my family over a four year period and played the victim and trashed me, but would not tell them the things she has done to me. even went to my ex-wife and told her about the argument we had about her calling my ex-wife a whore and slut with my child in house, but did not tell her the whore and slut part. I feel betrayed by my wife as well, she was calling and meeting for coffee and lunch her ex-boyfriend for two years, with out my knowledge, she said she did nothing wrong. we are currently separated, and I found out that the day after she left, she started talking to a man she meet at the bar she works at. when I asked her about that she said he is just a friend, I find that unbelievable. She blames the separation on me and only says she has been a good wife and mother, and will not admit to any wrong doing. am I crazy or am I the only person that can see a problem with her behavior."


There is definitely something wrong with any type of behavior that includes physical and verbal abuse.  I'm not sure that there was a question here beyond wanting my opinion, but I would advise anyone to contact child protective services if they believe that their child is being abused.  Parents are responsible for the safety of their children and if you witness or see evidence that the child is being traumatized, it would be in their best interest to either contact an attorney for good legal advice or CPS.  Any counselor, doctor, nurse, teacher or social worker who becomes aware of this situation is a mandatory reporter, which means they will report abuse if it is suspected.

Also, just for informational purposes, individuals dealing with this kind of thing might visit a website located at www.bpdcentral.org and read the information that is presented there.  Only individuals going through this will be able to determine if any of what is there fits their situation, but it may be of some help to know there may be answers beyond simply thinking there is bad behavior here.  Although there may be other answers for behavior like this, many people do not know about or understand Borderline Personality Disorder so it bears checking it out.  Men who live with women who are out of control find themselves in a very difficult situation.  First, they don't often look for help and when they do, they find most of the help directed towards females so I was very proud of this man for stepping forward and trying to find some help.

This individual mentioned that his wife works in a bar but did not indicate if there was any problems with alcohol.  Alcohol and withdrawal from it can present in intense anger, anxiety and severe mood swings.  If there is alcohol abuse or even dependence, there are options available to help addicts get their lives under control if they are amenable to the help.   

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How Much Abuse is Too Much?

This is an age old question that plagues every person who considers leaving a relationship. I have to be honest with you as a reader of my blog, abuse is a deal breaker for me. I don't believe it is ever warranted, and if someone persists in abusive behavior, won't take responsibility for it and do something to change, then there need to be consequences for that. In this series of questions, this part of the dialogue between myself and this person who lives in another country, is the last question over several exchanges. Her husband has been very verbally and emotionally abusive to her, he has been physical several times in the past, they have gone to counseling and have reached out for help but the counseling was stopped after several months. At this point, she is being advised not to leave the relationship by Christian counselors and church leaders because they want her to give her husband a chance to change.
Here is the question that is often asked:
"I have always been taught that reconciliation and restoration of relationships should be the end-goal. I have also been taught not to follow my feelings - eg, you may feel like gossiping, but you choose not to. I am afraid that if I ask for a severance of relationship, he will be able to get back-up support to pressure me to "patch things up" if he is working towards change, eg. from the Bible, from books, from the psychologist, from friends, from spiritual leaders, etc. How do I withstand that pressure and justify freedom from abuse when I haven't been (and probably will never be, as he is on a good behaviour bond) beaten? How severe does domestic violence have to be before it becomes justifiable to leave the relationship?"
Here is my answer:
"Yes, I understand the pressure that comes from parts of the Christian Community in terms of leaving relationships. However, it must be understood that what Jesus was talking about in the New Testament scriptures was divorce for no cause, similar to what we have today and He referred back to the Old Testament scriptures when He did it. Anyone in that day who heard Him speak would have known exactly what He was talking about. You don't just divorce someone because they don't put the cap back on the toothpaste tube. However emotional and physical safety need to be a priority and when those boundaries are consistently crossed, action of some kind needs to be taken. Whether a person divorces or not, the priority at that point becomes being safe by whatever means are needed to achieve that safety.

Although I can't speak for laws where you are, there are laws here that deal with verbal assault, assault in general and then when the physical comes into it, that is called battery. Again, I am not an attorney or a police officer, so the legal aspects of those things are beyond the scope of what I can give you here, but it is an example. If he has EVER put his hands on you, that is against the law, at least where I am from and Jesus taught us to obey the laws of the land.

It is never easy to oppose authority, but I have never failed to see the Lord provide for women who have chosen to leave an abusive relationship. He simply waits for them to make a decision and once that decision is made, doors seem to open for them. You are not going to be able to go into a big theological debate with these people about why you want to leave. Is your husband fulfilling his part of the marriage contract that he made with you on your wedding day? Is he honoring you and cherishing you? Is he, as head of the home, providing an environment where you and your family can thrive and grow. If not, he is being neglectful towards you.

There comes a point in every abusive marriage where the abuse victim has to stand up and say "enough!". Everyone will have their opinion, but you have to live with the situation and you have to choose what you can live with and what you can't. The pastors and the friends and the psychologist and the authors of the books don't have to live with it, you do...so your opinion counts more than anyone else. Divorce, when considered a sin is no different than any other sin and is forgiven just as any other sin is forgiven. The problem is, the church has made marriage into an idol. 40 years ago, alcoholism and nicotine addiction were the idol. People who drank and smoked were ostracized from the church and now people say very little about it, they even have support groups created to help people with addictions that are held within the church structure. Today the issue is marriage/divorce and 40 years from now who knows what the issue will be. All I know is that the God I serve values women, has taken steps to protect them from the "hardened hearts" of men and it is not His will that any person should be harmed. I believe that the reason He hates divorce is because of the consequences of it; it can be painful, it can be destructive and the aftermath can be difficult for all involved. However, He did not say not to do it and He gave individuals a way out. Scripture says that God always provides a way out....why would He not provide a way out of such sinful and destructive relationships as those with abuse involved? The Lord forgave and stood up for the woman caught in adultery and He also forgave Rahab in the Old Testament. Although those are not direct examples of what we are talking about, I believe they do show the heart of God towards women who are being abused by and taken advantage of by men.

In regard to the teaching of not following your feelings, I am aware of that teaching, however if we aren't supposed to pay attention to our feelings, why did God give them to us? God has feelings and scripture often says that Jesus was moved by compassion before He healed someone. We aren't supposed to base our decisions entirely on them, but feelings are messengers and we are supposed to pay attention to the message. Take fear for example; if you are walking on a dark street and all of a sudden the hair on the back of your neck stands up and you get a nervous twitch in your stomach...that is a warning. Individuals who haven't paid attention to that warning have ended up murdered, raped or assaulted. If we ascribe to the teaching that we aren't to follow our feelings, then we cut off a very valuable part of our discernment which is a gift that God has given us. Scripture also says that God gives us the desires of our hearts...which means that He places desires in our hearts that He would have us follow. If we weren't moved by desire...which is also a feeling...how would be be able to follow Him in those areas? The idea that feelings are bad and should be ignored is a very false premise...the truth is that we aren't to be ruled by emotion, but we are to use it in conjunction with wisdom, with reasoning and with truth in order to make informed and good decisions.

How severe does the domestic violence have to be? Here are the definitions to keep in mind: (not my words, these came from the dictionary)

"# The definition of abuse: 1) to use wrongly or improperly, misuse, 2) to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way: 3) to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about;
# Abuse turns into trauma when an emotional wound or shock creates substantial, lasting damage to the psychological development of a person"

In simple terms, severity relates to a pattern of behavior. Usually individuals can deal with difficult behavior when someone has a bad day or they are ill and irritable. Those situations don't happen all the time. However, when the pattern of bad behavior persists monthly, weekly or daily, then there is little time for the victim to recover and over time, that creates lasting damage to the emotional and psychological health of the victim. The issue that I see with those who are pressuring you to stay is that they are not giving you credit for the years of chances that you have already given your husband to change. When you found yourself asking for help, it was not because this had been the first time your husband had been abusive. He had been abusive many, many times. At this point, the consequences of that abuse are apparent, are beyond what you can overcome. That needs to be taken into consideration.

In leaving the situation, you are not saying that you don't believe this person is incapable of change and healing, it just says that you have reached a point where you cannot endure the process any longer and if he is going to change and heal, he is fully capable of doing that without you there to be the recipient of his bad behavior. You withstand the pressure by standing with people who agree with you, finding an abuse counselor who can be of support to you and by standing firm in the knowledge of why you are leaving. If you have reached a point that you are not able to grow in this relationship, or that you cannot recover from the abuse that has happened to you within this relationship, those may be deal breakers for you. You define what your deal breakers are and then stand in your convictions. That will require some courage and inner strength. Like I said before, once out of these relationships, most women find they have a clearer head and can see what has happened to them over the time they have been with the abuser.

If you aren't at a place where you believe you can withstand the outside pressure, you have to assess that. If you aren't strong enough, then my best advice would be to seek out an abuse counselor, someone who has experience with abused women, and work on those inner beliefs that keep you there. Invest in yourself, strengthen yourself, get healthy and create a support network around you that you can fall back on when you feel tired and hopeless. Just understand that whether you divorce or not, God loves you and that will NEVER change. You will never be "less than" in His eyes for anything that you do or don't do. He loves you unconditionally."
As you can see, this is a very complex subject. There are no pat answers, simply because people are individuals and as such, their relationships are unique. However, abuse has a very distinct and repeatable pattern to it; so much so that many, many books and much research have been written on the subject. Bottom line, at least for me, is that relationship is a privilege and we all must honor and respect each other in them. Individuals who are unable or unwilling to do that, first need to be confronted and if there is no change, then the two people go to a mediator and if they continue to refuse to make the changes necessary, then the consequences are clear. That is the Matthew 18 principle.

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