Showing posts with label Violence and Abuse. Show all posts

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Signs of Being in an Abusive Relationship

In all the articles that I have read on this subject, I think the one written by the Mayo Clinic is one of the best. I don't think that I could say it any better so I will put the entire article here for your reference:

Domestic violence toward women: Recognize the patterns and seek help

By Mayo Clinic staff

Your partner apologizes and says the hurtful behavior won't happen again. But you fear it will. At times you may start to doubt your own judgment, or wonder whether you're going crazy. You may even feel like you've imagined the whole thing. But the emotional or physical pain you feel is real. If this sounds familiar, you may be the victim of domestic violence.

Also called domestic abuse, intimate partner violence or battering, domestic violence occurs between people in intimate relationships. It can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse. Men are sometimes abused by female or male partners, but domestic violence is most often directed toward women. It can happen in heterosexual or lesbian relationships.

Unfortunately, domestic violence against women is common. It happens to teenage girls and women of all backgrounds. As many as 4 million women suffer abuse from their husbands, ex-husbands, boyfriends or intimate partners in the United States each year.

Recognizing abuse: Know the signs

It may not be easy to identify abuse, especially at first. While some relationships are clearly abusive from the outset, abuse often starts subtly and gets worse over time. For example, abuse may begin with occasional hurtful comments, jealousy or controlling behavior. As it gets worse, the abuse may become more frequent, severe or violent. As the cycle of abuse worsens, your safety or the safety of your children may be in danger.

You may be a victim of abuse if you're in a relationship with someone who:

§ Controls finances, so you have to ask for money

§ Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you

§ Acts jealous or possessive, or accuses you of being unfaithful

§ Tries to control how you spend your time, who you see or talk to, where you go or what

you wear

§ Wants you to get permission to make everyday decisions

§ Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs

§ Scares you by driving recklessly

§ Threatens to kill him or herself

You are very likely in an abusive relationship if you have a relationship with someone who does even one of the following:

§ Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, or chokes you or threatens you with violence or a weapon

§ Forces you to have sexual intercourse or engage in sexual acts against your will

§ Calls you names, insults you or puts you down

§ Prevents you from going to work or school

§ Stops you from seeing family members and friends

§ Hurts, or threatens to hurt you, your children or pets

§ Destroys your property

§ Controls your access to medicines

§ Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it

§ Says that his or her abusive behavior is no big deal or even denies doing it

§ Tries to force you to drop charges

§ Tries to prevent you from calling the police or seeking medical care

Pregnancy, children and abuse

Pregnancy is a particularly perilous time for an abused woman. Not only is your health at risk, but also the health of your unborn child. Abuse can begin or may increase during pregnancy.

Abusive relationships can also be particularly damaging to children, even if they're just witnesses. But for women in an abusive relationship, chances are much higher that their children also will be direct victims of abuse. Over half of men who abuse their female partners also abuse their children.

You may worry that seeking help may further endanger you or your children, or that it may break up your family. But in the long run, seeking help when you safely can is the best way to protect your children — and yourself.

An abusive relationship: It's about power and control

Though there are no typical victims of domestic violence, abusive relationships do share similar characteristics. In all cases, the abuser aims to exert power and control over his partner.

Although a lot of people think domestic violence is about anger, it really isn't. Batterers do tend to take their anger out on their intimate partner. But it's not really about anger. It's about trying to instill fear and wanting to have power and control in the relationship. In an abusive relationship, the abuser may use varying tactics to gain power and control, including:

§ Emotional abuse. Uses put-downs, insults, criticism or name-calling to make you feel bad about yourself.

§ Denial and blame. Denies that the abuse occurs and shifts responsibility for the abusive behavior onto you. This may leave you confused and unsure of yourself.

§ Intimidation. Uses certain looks, actions or gestures to instill fear. The abuser may break things, destroy property, abuse pets or display weapons.

§ Coercion and threats. Threatens to hurt other family members, pets, children or self.

§ Power. Makes all major decisions, defines the roles in your relationship, is in charge of the home and social life, and treats you like a servant or possession.

§ Isolation. Limits your contact with family and friends, requires you to get permission to leave the house, doesn't allow you to work or attend school, and controls your activities and social events. The abuser may ask where you've been, track your time and whereabouts, or check the odometer on your car.

§ Children as pawns. Accuses you of bad parenting, threatens to take the children away, uses the children to relay messages, or threatens to report you to children's protective services.

§ Economic abuse. Controls finances, refuses to share money, makes you account for money spent and doesn't want you to work outside the home. The abuser may also try to sabotage your work performance by forcing you to miss work or by calling you frequently at work.

Breaking the cycle: Difficult, but possible with help

Domestic violence is part of a continuing cycle that's difficult to break. If you're in an abusive situation, you may recognize this pattern:

§ Your abuser strikes using words or actions.

§ Your abuser may beg for forgiveness, offer gifts or promise to change.

§ Your abuser becomes tense, angry or depressed.

§ Your abuser repeats the abusive behavior.

Typically each time the abuse occurs, it worsens, and the cycle shortens. As it gets worse, you may have a hard time doing anything about the abuse or even acknowledging it. Over time, an abusive relationship can break you down and unravel your sense of reality and self-esteem. You may begin to doubt your ability to take care of yourself. You may start to feel like the abuse is your fault, or you may even feel you deserve it.

This can be paralyzing, and you may feel helpless or as though your only option is to stay in the abusive situation. It's important to recognize that you may not be in a position to resolve the situation on your own.

But you can do something — and the sooner you take action the better. You may need outside help, and that's OK. Without help, the abuse will likely continue. Leaving the abusive relationship may be the only way to break the cycle.

A number of government and private agencies provide resources and support to women who are abused and their children. These resources include 24-hour telephone hot lines, shelters, counseling and legal services. Many of these services are free and can provide immediate assistance.

Create a safety plan

Leaving an abuser can be dangerous. You're the only one who knows the safest time to leave. You may know you are in an abusive relationship and realize you need to leave as soon as you safely can. Or, you may be concerned about your partner's behavior and think you may need to get out at some point in the future. Either way, being prepared can help you leave quickly if you need to. Consider taking these precautions:

§ Arrange a safety signal with a neighbor as an alert to call the police if necessary.

§ Prepare an emergency bag that includes items you'll need when you leave, such as extra clothes, important papers, money, extra keys and prescription medications.

§ Know exactly where you'll go and how you'll get there, even if you have to leave in the middle of the night.

§ Call a local women's shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 to find out about legal options and resources available to you, before you need them.

§ If you have school-age children, notify the school authorities or school counselor about custody arrangements and warn them about possible threats.

Keep your communication private

It isn't uncommon for an abuser to monitor mail, telephone and Internet communication. Take precautions to help maintain your privacy and safety by following these steps.

Telephone conversations

§ Avoid making long-distance phone calls from home. Your abuser could trace the calls to find out where you're going.

§ Be cautious when using a cell phone. Your abuser may be able to intercept conversations using a scanner. Switch to a corded phone if you're relaying sensitive information.

§ Be aware of controlling use of your cell phone. Your abuser may use frequent cell phone conversations or text messages as a way to monitor and control your activities. An abuser may also check your cell phone to see who has called, or attempt to check your messages.

Computer use

If you think your abuser is monitoring your computer use, the safest bet is to access a computer at a friend's house or at the library. If you do use a shared home computer, there are several steps you can take to help maintain your privacy:

§ Use a Web-based program for e-mail. Programs such as Outlook Express, Netscape Mail and Eudora store sent and received e-mails on your computer. A Web-based e-mail service is safer. Most of these services — such Gmail, Hotmail and Yahoo mail — offer free e-mail accounts.

§ Store files on the Internet. You can store files online and access them from any computer. A few companies that offer this service are IBackup and HyperOffice. You can also store documents as attachments in e-mail programs.

§ Change your password often. Choose passwords that would be impossible to guess. The safest passwords contain at least six characters, both numbers and letters. Avoid easily guessed numbers and sequences.

§ Clear your Web-browser history. Browsers such as Internet Explorer or Netscape Navigator keep a record of the Web pages and documents you have accessed. They also store graphics of images you look at. You can also use a program such as AbsoluteShield Internet Eraser or Speed Tracks Eraser to clear your Internet records.

§ Clear your document history. Applications such as Word or Excel keep a record of edited documents. Don't store or edit any documents you don't want your abuser to see on a shared computer.

Where to find help

No one deserves to be abused. If you think you may be in an abusive situation, seek help or advice as soon as you safely can. There are many resources available to help you. The first step to getting out of an abusive situation may be as easy as making one phone call. In an emergency situation, call 911, your local emergency number or your local law enforcement agency. If you aren't in immediate danger, the following resources can help:

§ National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE, or (800) 799-7233. Provides crisis intervention and referrals to in-state or out-of-state resources, such as women's shelters or crisis centers.

§ Your doctor or hospital emergency room. Treats any injuries and refers you to safe housing and other local resources.

§ Local women's shelter or crisis center. Typically provides 24-hour, emergency shelter for you and your children, advice on legal matters, advocacy and support services, and evaluation and monitoring of abusers. Some shelters have staff members who speak multiple languages.

§ Counseling or mental health center. Most communities have agencies that provide individual counseling and support groups to women in abusive relationships. Be wary of advice to seek couples or marriage counseling. This isn't appropriate for resolving problems of violence in intimate relationships.

§ Local court. Your district court can help you obtain a court order, which legally mandates the abuser stay away from you or face arrest. These are typically called orders for protection or restraining orders. Advocates are available in many communities to help you complete the paperwork and guide you through the court process.

§ Books and online resources. Learning more about how to cope with your situation and communicating with others who understand what you're going through can help you make strong choices.

WO00044

May 23, 2007

© 1998-2009 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research (MFMER). All rights reserved. A single copy of these materials may be reprinted for noncommercial personal use only. "Mayo," "Mayo Clinic," "MayoClinic.com," "EmbodyHealth," "Reliable tools for healthier lives," "Enhance your life," and the triple-shield Mayo Clinic logo are trademarks of Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

The Value of The Process

The beginning of a new year has come and gone. Although it seems like this is way too soon, we again face another 12 months ahead of us and what we are going to do with that time. I volunteer my time for another website where individuals can write to me and ask questions about domestic violence, abuse and remarriage. Over the holidays, there were so many people writing for information because they were either in an abusive situation or were seeing a loved one in an abusive situation. The holidays put an incredible amount of stress on families and on people who are dealing with a lot of stress already in their lives. As we all know, stress only makes abuse worse because individuals who don't have a lot of skills to deal with their stress anyway, have financial, familial, job and sometimes personal stressors such as depression and/or anxiety heaped upon them and they are just unable to cope anymore.

So, why do I say this now? Perhaps it is because no one is immune to the effects of stress. High levels of stress over a long period of time wears away at a person's internal resources. Patience gets thin, problem solving abilities become paralyzed and energy levels drop. This is a lethal combination. Looking back over the holidays, one can make an assessment about where they are on the stress meter. Once the stress of the holidays subsides, we tend to look back and go, wow, that was a really rough patch! Then we move on. However there is something to be said about learning from any problematic behaviors that surfaced during those times of stress. In all honesty, there are some who say that if there was no predisposition to behave in whatever inappropriate ways we may have acted out, we wouldn't have behaved that way. High stress situations tend to produce behaviors that we never thought we would do. Historical perspective confirms that.....look at the Donner party. Crossing high mountain passes by wagon, they got caught in winter weather and could not proceed. Supplies eventually ran out and they were starving. People in their party died and they resorted to cannibalism to stay alive. Would they have done that under any other conditions? Most likely not. But under the stress of fear and death, they did things they never imagined they would ever do.

These are the things to consider when we look at abuse and our behavioral responses to high stress situations. Inappropriate responses only become problematic when they start forming patterns. Looking back at the holidays, if you've been around for more than a couple years you can look back on a pattern of behavior during family gatherings, high stress conditions etc. If there is a pattern there, you might want to begin to look at why the pattern exists and what you can do about it. Abuse becomes an issue when it becomes a pattern. Using the Donner party as an example again...would you call them cannibals? No, not at all. None of them reached their destination and began to consume human flesh on a regular basis. Therefore you believe that their behavior was the product of a desperate situation which modified their lives so radically in that specific time that they took radical action to survive.

If there is someone in your life who has a pattern of treating you disrespectfully, dishonorably, aggressively or unsafely...then you have to look at that and make some decisions. Why is this person behaving this way? If it is stress, we can understand that but if the pattern continues then the question has to be asked as to why they aren't doing something to correct their behavior and response patterns. When others behaviors and/or words impact another person negatively over a period of time, something needs to be done. According to scripture there is a process meant to deal with this kind of thing. It is called the Matthew 18 principle.

In Matthew 18, scripture tells us that if we are having a problem with someone we should first go to them and talk to them privately about the situation. This usually happens between spouses or friends by saying, "I don't know if you realize this, but when I get called names and am yelled at, it makes me afraid and I don't want to be here anymore." If that produces no change, then we go with them to a third party. In this day and age that could be a pastor, a counselor or some type of mediator who can give an outside opinion and hold the parties accountable to any agreement that may be reached during this process. If that produces no change, the offender is then brought before an authority figure. Scripture talks about the elders of the church and the church body which still holds true in a church setting, but in a secular setting this might mean calling in the police in the case of domestic violence or enrolling in a group counseling program, going to rehab etc. The last instruction that is given is that if there is no change, if the behavior doesn't come to an end, the person is put out of the church, divorced so to speak. Scripture always holds open reconciliation as an option in this case, which most people tend to do even past the point when they should. However in any restoration that is considered, there has to be mountains of evidence which proves that the person has gotten the help they need, no longer exhibits the inappropriate behavior and can be trusted to be a person of honor and integrity.

Often when I hear of Pastors who have fallen, either personally or professionally, there are people who will go to them with offers to help them put their lives straight, but if they refuse the help or go through the process without the commitment to change and receive the healing they need, reconciliation does not happen. This is where husbands and wives fall down in the process. Reconciliation absolutely cannot happen until the offender is willing, able and committed to the process and follows it through to completion. In churches, there is then a panel of individuals who go over the evidence, consider the attitude of the person throughout the process as well as their behavior and overall character after completing the process. Most of the time what happens is the victim sees the offender in pain, hears an apology as well as a promise to change and that is it.

The reason we can't do that is because it is only through time and the healing process that these individuals will metabolize the healing and character changes that need to take place to become the functioning individuals they need to be. Additionally, most offenders want their victims to be the ones who help them get better and that is so very, very inappropriate. Victims need to heal as much as the offenders need to heal. Matthew 15:14 says that if the blind lead the blind, they will both fall in the ditch....which in laymen's terms means that if the victim had the skill set to help the offender, that person wouldn't be a victim.

If someone in your life has a pattern of treating you badly, these are the steps to take in order to correct the situation. Each step depends on the willingness of the offending individual to participate in the process. At any point where the offender stops participating, the process stops and there is little left to do than remove yourself from the situation. You can't try for them and you can't change them. You can only give them opportunities to try and to change and if they refuse, they need to receive the consequences of those decisions.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The Continuum of Psychological and Physical Abuse

Psychological abuse is very real, but quite often hard to recognize and even harder to prove. When a person is physically abused, there is more often than not physical evidence left behind in the form of bruises or broken bones, swollen areas etc. Emotional and psychological abuse are different. The victim has scars on the inside that can manifest throughout their lives in the form of fear, withdrawal, low self worth and a low quality of relationship with others. Their personality begins to change over time and even their desire to interact with others on a social level can be compromised. These scars are not visible and are hard to prove, unfortunately.

Before I give you the escalating continuum, I want to give you the definitions of abuse and of trauma:

According to Dictionary.com, abuse is defined as:

–verb (used with object)
1. to use wrongly or improperly; misuse: to abuse one's authority.
2. to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way: to abuse a horse; to abuse one's eyesight.
3. to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about; revile; malign.
4. to commit sexual assault upon.
5. Obsolete . to deceive or mislead.

–noun
6. wrong or improper use; misuse: the abuse of privileges.
7. harshly or coarsely insulting language: The officer heaped abuse on his men.
8. bad or improper treatment; maltreatment: The child was subjected to cruel abuse.
9. a corrupt or improper practice or custom: the abuses of a totalitarian regime.
10. rape or sexual assault.

Trauma is defined as:

A serious bodily injury or shock, as from violence or an accident.

An emotional wound or shock that creates substantial lasting damage to one's psychological development, often leading to neurosis.

Interestingly enough, the main difference I see between abuse and trauma is that trauma is abuse that lasts over time, or whatever has happened to the victim is not able to be dismissed or healed quickly. The wound or shock creates lasting damage. The first time I read through those definitions I was very shocked to see that even in simple definitions, we can determine whether our behavior is abusive or not.

Often, when women talk with me about abuse they don't seem to have a gauge as to how bad the abuse is. There are some women who say, "well, he only choked me once"...or "he pushed me down the hall but I know he really didn't mean it". Abuse progresses as each boundary is crossed and it becomes easier the next time for the abuser to do the same and worse behavior the next time. As time goes on, abuse becomes more severe and more dangerous. In regard to the above examples, on the continuum of physical abuse, choking appears about 2/3 of the way down the list towards the end result of killing the victim. On that scale, it is a high probability that the victim is going to be hurt, maimed or killed if the abuse continues for any length of time. As I've told my clients, it only takes 8lbs of pressure around your neck for 11 seconds to kill you so why would you wait for the next time. It doesn't matter what the intent is, if you are dead there is no coming back from that.

The continuum for Psychological abuse looks like this:

Psychological Abuse (in order of increasing severity and danger)

"Jokes" or put-downs that demean the victim
Acting like the victim's feelings, needs, and ideas don't matter
Enforcing rigid roles and rules for women
Controlling through jealousy
Isolating the victim
Insults and name-calling
Yelling and raging
Humiliation, throwing food
Fist through wall
Threats and intimidation
Destruction of her property
Hurting or killing pets
Displaying guns, sleeping with guns
Depriving the victim of sleep
Abuser threatens suicide
Tries to get the victim to commit suicide
Threatens to kill her and/or the children
Death

If any of these things are happening to you, you would be wise to see where they lie on this continuum and determine how long it has taken the person to get to that place in the relationship. If an abuser is threatening suicide, that one alone is a huge manipulation which often results in the victim feeling responsible for the life of the abuser and it holds them in a place they would not be otherwise. My best advice, no matter what the circumstance is would be to call 911 every time there is a suicide threat. The reason is that if you are not a medical or mental health professional, you do not have the skill set to help a suicidal person. If they truly need help, they need to be in a safe place with people who can stabilize them and keep them safe. If they are simply manipulating you, the consequences of that manipulation will be quite distasteful and the person will quickly learn that threatening suicide is not something they want to do. Either way, calling 911 is a very good and effective way to deal with the issue at hand. If the person does end up committing suicide there are two very difficult things that may result - 1) the authorities will be asking you why you didn't get appropriate help for the person and 2) you may be left with a burden of guilt that will take you time and counseling to overcome. The truth is, you are not responsible for a suicidal person....their decision to choose that path is strictly theirs. What you are responsible for is to do the most appropriate thing for them and that is always to get them the help they need.

The physical abuse continuum looks like this:

Holding down, blocking, pinning
Pushing or shoving
Shaking or jerking
Slapping and bruising
Throwing objects
Punching
Kicking
Black eyes, cuts, chipped teeth
Burning with hot drinks, cigarettes, etc.
Causing serious falls
Choking
Severe beatings
Broken bones
Hitting with objects
Back injuries, paralysis
Internal injuries
Use of weapons
Death

Notice that in each list, the end result is death. Women don't often think of that as an end result, but our bodies, even though quite resilient at times, are not meant to deal with the type of physical punishment that an abuser can consistently meet out. Additionally, it is important to point out that in any healthy relationship, these types of behaviors are non-existent. Abuse destroys on every level so there shouldn't be any huge question as to why relationships that contain these behaviors don't work.

If this type of thing is happening to you, call your nearest Women's Center to get help, counseling, advocacy or whatever type of help you need to deal with the situation. There are individuals at these centers who are trained in domestic violence and abuse, and these centers usually offer their services at little to no cost. If your husband or partner is displaying behavior such as that listed here, understand that he/she will not be able to help themselves. Even if they promise never to do it again, they will...simply because they need outside, professional help to deal with the issues they have underneath the outside behavior.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

On Trial

It is always a tragedy to me when I hear of a wife who is being convicted of a crime such as murder because she has been subjected to physical violence for quite some time in her relationship. Obviously, the more appropriate resolution to a situation like that would be to leave before those kinds of situations arise, but I have to confess it breaks my heart to know that a woman who has been abused in ways we may not be able to understand is going to be put through a different kind of hell because she made a decision to stop the abuse. Don't get me wrong, I do not condone murder or this kind of violence in retaliation. Many times I tell abuse victims that if they can't get out of the relationship for themselves, get out before their spouse does something that they can't take back; something that will land them in jail. Below is a question from a friend of an abuse victim that reflects this very thing. It is a tragedy, something that can be prevented and should be prevented.

"A girlfriend of mine is on trial for the murder of her husband. She had been subjected to over 20 years of physical and emotional violence, but had never thought to leave because her family/culture/upbringing didn't allow it. Being isolated and new to the city, she didn't have any friends and an incident cause her great distress and she didn't intend to kill him, but things got out of hand, and he died. Although her children support her (while at time blaming her for not leaving and thus exposing them to abuse), her family and his are hostile to her for causing shame to the family. How do I best help her see that the domestic abuse was not her fault, that she did her best as a mother, and that healing is possible for the future? She is on bail and is monitored, so I don't know if she qualifies for support from domestic violence services. And since she is charged for several criminal offences, how do I tell her that this is not her fault?"

As a counselor I am limited as to what kind of response I can give, but within that scope it is hard to address the kind of pain that is coming from both sides of this question. My previous article dealt with what it is like for family and friends to be on the outside of an abusive relationship looking in. This is a prime example and my answer is below:

"I'm sure your friend is quite distraught and it is always a difficult thing to work through when one person dies at the hands of another. Not only is she dealing with the trauma of the domestic violence, but there is a certain kind of trauma that comes when an individual takes the life of another. Very difficult things to face and work through.

What she needs to understand and heal in herself is probably going to come on a long journey. Domestic violence victims are usually individuals who have very low self esteem to begin with and it only gets worse after years of abuse. It sounds as though the two families are more concerned about how they look as opposed to what has happened to her and that is more than likely why she stayed in such a situation. The message from the family is that she doesn't matter...its all about looking good on the outside...she has been living with that message daily for her whole life. Learning a different message will take time and effort.

I am not a legal expert and this is not legal advice, but general information to help you understand some concepts. Although I am unfamiliar with the laws in Australia, here in the US, among other things, there are 5 criteria that are used to determine whether deadly force is warranted. When women here are convicted, usually, it is because they have reacted violently and killed their abuser after he has stopped beating them or threatening them..at the time he may be walking away afterward. At that point the threat of harm has passed and that is one of the criteria that has to be in place. If that is the same where you are, then it is hard to separate what is fault and what is not. Was her judgment faulty, perhaps...was she not aware of what the law stated, more than likely. There is a certain amount of responsibility that she may have to accept; however.....she is in no way responsible for the abuse that was perpetrated against her. Getting her to understand that she is not responsible for another person's actions or feelings is a huge concept that will allow her to forgive herself and move on. Understanding that most abusers have emotional and/or mental problems themselves can bring some understanding to the situation. There are many factors that may have been at work here, but the key to her ability to heal is information, support and encouragement on a personal level. She needs to understand that she is valuable and has worth. Abusers erode whatever truth the victim has about that until they give up believing it. But you need to understand that if your friend allowed herself to stay in that situation, she has some emotional issues to deal with herself. Emotionally healthy people don't put up with abuse and don't stay in these situations. Her greatest enemy was staying in denial.

My recommendation would be for you to visit my blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com and download or copy a few of the articles there having to do with why it is so hard to leave, stockholm syndrome and any others that you think may apply. Information will be her friend at this time and the more she gets, the better understanding she will have. She will be dealing with a lot of grief as well, which is a process she must go through to resolution. Additionally, on my website ( www.livingwellcc.com) on the LIBRARY page there is an article called "the cycle of domestic violence" which she may find helpful. Please feel free to download it and give it to her. Abuse counseling is the best thing for her and in her present state of mind, she may not be up to doing the research it takes to find services so you may need to do that for her. In the end, encouragement and unconditional love will serve her well.

I wish you all the best as you walk with your friend through this very hard journey."

Many women who continue to stay in relationships that are physical or relationships that continue to progress have to understand that they are not only putting themselves in danger, but they are endangering the abusive spouse as well. We would hope that these individuals would get help to deal with their anger and their abusive behaviors, but if they land in prison they probably won't get the kind of help they need. No one wants to see this kind of resolution to an abusive situation so this is something to think about, seriously and often.

As with the cycle of domestic violence is a predictable pattern, the escalation of abuse has a pattern that is just as predictable. It starts with holding the victim down or blocking their way out of a room or from leaving the area to get to safety. It progresses from there. Below is a list that is placed in order of increasing danger:

Holding down, blocking, pinning
Pushing or shoving
Shaking or jerking
Slapping and bruising
Throwing objects
Punching
Kicking
Black eyes, cuts, chipped teeth
Burning with hot drinks, cigarettes, etc.
Causing serious falls
Choking
Severe beatings
Broken bones
Hitting with objects
Back injuries, paralysis
Internal injuries
Use of weapons
Death

Many women who come to me often say, "He just choked me once....he threw an object at me, he pushed me down." They say these things as if the action was no big deal or it isn't serious because it was only done "once". However when you look on this list, these actions are very close to the point where serious injury becomes an issue and eventually death if it is allowed to continue. October was Domestic Violence Awareness Month and the local abuse organization created human cutouts that were placed in honor of the women who had been killed as a result of domestic violence. These 12 silhouettes represented only a small minority of the individuals who have been lost to domestic violence. It is a sobering statistic to contemplate and even more sobering when one realizes that it is only denial that stands between a victim and safety.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Abuse Effects the Entire Family

It is often times as traumatic for the family of an abuse victim to watch what is going on with their loved one as it is for the person going through the abuse. Although we clearly love and are concerned about our family member, one of the most terrible feelings is the lack of control that family members feel to help the person break free from the abuse they are experiencing. Most of the time, individuals outside the perimeter of an abusive relationship can see much more clearly what is happening to their family member, but the frustration is in getting that family member to see the truth of what is happening and take action to stop the abuse.

It is very difficult for a person who has little true self esteem and even less identity for themselves to stand up and do what it takes to leave an abuser. Often the family does not understand the dynamics that keep the victim bound. Many times the victim is in the situation because they don't like to see other people in pain. That fact alone will allow them to be manipulated by the abuser simply because the abuser is in pain all the time.

Family members tend to lose sight of the fact that even if the relationship is abusive, there is still attachment there - albeit negative attachment. The attachment and bonding between human beings is quite strong, however the desire not to be alone can be much stronger so negative attachment will suffice. Therefore, an abuse victim will need support from any and all places it can be found, whether that be family or friends. That is why it is so important not to allow the abuser to sever relationships with the victim. Sometimes that alone is a difficult task because those relationships can be a threat to the abuser who will be working to isolate and control the victim. Even if it is difficult and frustrating, it is important for friends and family to keep lines of communication open with the victim; it will be needed should the decision to leave ever becomes an option.

Bessel Van der Kolk, a research scientist who has written much about trauma and abuse has stated that as long as people can imagine having some control over what is happening to them, they can keep their wits about them. That idea of control keeps hope alive so the abuse victim needs to be continually fed with choices, with options, with the truth that there is a network of people who will support them once the decision to get out is made. A family can provide that support; however they need to be a strong, united front for the person they are trying to protect. He has also stated that one of the coping strategies for victims is to dissociate, which can look like supreme denial or compartmentalism of thought and once they engage in that behavior, they become incapable of goal directed action.

The abuse victim has many considerations to think about in order to make a decision to leave. Finances, childcare, educational pursuits, and often getting a job with skills that are outdated or under used can be major obstacles in the planning of a transition out of an abusive relationship. Support from family and friends to help the victim see that there are options can be invaluable as to whether the victim stays or leaves. More often than not she will not be able to see past her husband either forbidding her to move out of a place of control or putting up obstacles such as not taking care of the children while she is work to harassing her by phone at her job or showing up and making a scene so that she eventually loses her position.

Introduce children into the mix and things become very challenging because another generation is experiencing the modeling of abusive behaviors. The true effects of abuse and trauma on children is a place of heavy denial for mothers who are in these relationships. Some of the myths they believe are that if they don't fight in front of the kids, the kids aren't affected. Another myth is that even though the husband may be abusive to the wife, he is still a good father. This particular myth is untrue simply because abuse against a primary caregiver of the child by the other caregiver is immensely traumatizing. Unless the husband is treating his wife with respect and honor, he cannot be a good father to his children.

Grandparents, parents, sibling and friends can have a better perspective of what is happening within an abusive relationship than the victim inside. However, with that said, the victim has a better barometer of how much danger she is in at any moment in time. It has been proven that the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship, especially a physically abusive relationship, is when she leaves. That is why she needs a very strong support network she can count on, not only at that time but in the weeks and months after she leaves because it has been proven that abuse does not end after the marriage ends. There can be stalking, manipulation and attempts to control through other means, especially the children.

Family and friends, over time lose hope and get frustrated with the abuse victim who continually says she wants change but puts no effort to effect that change. Statistics show that a woman will leave at least 7 times before she leaves for good but often families lose hope well before that. When that happens, the victim loses the sense of her support network which makes it even more difficult to leave.

Family members can fall under the control of the abuser just as much as the victim has simply because they realize that whatever they do to support their loved one is met with abusive action against her by the abuser. They soon stop their efforts because they do not want to be the ones responsible for hurting their loved one. Although they are not the ones directly inflicting the abuse, they feel powerless against the abuser who is. If the family will step out and make use of the resources available, such as local women's centers or Domestic Violence organizations, they can continue to support their loved one in indirect ways. If the children are being abuse, there are more avenues open to family members to use law enforcement and child protective services to intervene; however the family must be willing to do so and make the consequences stick.

Abusers get away with their actions because their victims do not enforce consequences that are available to them. Consequences, however distasteful, may serve to turn around an abuser's life and instill a desire for healing and change. That desire must come from within the heart of the abuser in order for change to come...no one can do it for them.

In closing, if there is any question, it is NEVER appropriate for the abuser to request help from the victim. Abusers are adults and are very capable of finding help for themselves. Allowing them to do so helps to empower them and puts the responsibility for their healing in their hands, rather than piling it on the back of the one they have abused.

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