Men Can Also Be The Victims of Abuse

Although most of us are more familiar with the domestic violence situation where the male counterpart is the violent or emotional abuser, men can be the victims of abuse and domestic violence as well. 835,000 men are assaulted by intimate partners every year in the United States, as compared to 1.3 million women.
The problem with intimate partner violence against men is that males find it a very shameful thing to talk about so they often suffer in silence. Although most domestic violence organizations and Women's Centers in the local communities are very open to domestic violence victims of both sexes, these organizations are somewhat biased towards women, simply because it is the female population they serve most often. Men find it very difficult to go to them for help. Unless men take the initiative to find a personal counselor who can help them, they often feel a certain level of helplessness and shame as they continue in their relationships with abusive women.
The following question came to me which illustrates this situation very well.
"I am a very confused man. I was married to my second wife in July of 2009 after being on my own for 6 years raising my son. By August my new wife stopped having anything to do with me and moved out in February. Those 7 months were very stressful as she wouldn’t talk to me, she wasn’t interested in counseling, etc. In March she contacted me and asked if we could work on our marriage and I was very open to doing so. Since then, there have been 3 other times when we start to work on our marriage and then she suddenly shuts me out for weeks and then sends me an email saying how nasty I am.

In the last round she hacked into my FB account and read and email that I wrote to a lady in our church who is a good friend and had also been in an abusive relationship. I was seeking her advice and guidance and in my email I stated how I wanted my marriage to work that I was glad we were going to counseling but that I would guard my heart this time because of the past history. My wife felt totally betrayed because I did say that I was in an abusive relationship even though I did say that I was hopeful that counseling could help us.
My wife (who lives in another town) sent me an email after reading what I wrote saying how I betrayed her trust by talking to another woman about what I was going through. I’ve also talked to a counselor and my pastor and some other good friends about the situation as well. They are all concerned that I am in a relationship that is so volatile.

I love my wife but I am afraid of her. If she gets mad for any reason she shuts me out for weeks or months and always ends up sending me an email saying our marriage is over. I’m trying very hard to get over this last round and nasty email because it just hurts so much and I’m so afraid that if I do or say anything wrong I’ll get emotionally shut out if we do get back together.
My wife admits she is very jealous and controlling and she has used key logger programs in the past to get access to my passwords, etc to see who I am talking to and what I’m talking about. I believe in my marriage vows but at the same time I am so confused because I don’t know if I should keep trying to reconcile or if I should get out of the relationship now. My family and friend all feel that I need to get out because the marriage has taken a very heavy emotional toll on me. I am now on antidepressants, anti anxiety pills and I take sleeping pills every night. I’ve never been on this type of medication before and it has all started since I got married. There were earlier instances before we were married where she would shut me out but she always had a reason why.

For some reason I just can’t seem to break the bond I have with my wife. I realize I have let her do the things to me that she has and I have always taken her back but now I need to know if I should trust my family or focus on trying once again to heal my marriage. My counselor has said that the relationship is very unhealthy and abusive but she doesn’t know if my wife is doing it intentionally or not. We did attend one counseling session together but my wife didn’t like what was said to her so she refused to go back.

Please help me understand why I’m staying in a relationship that is causing me so much emotional pain. Thank you."
These kinds of scenarios are heartbreaking, but the truth is that they are happening more often than the average person might think. Because violence against males happens less often, and violent, aggressive tendencies are less apparent in the female of the species, it has been thought that the female perpetrators may be suffering from one of a select variety of mental illnesses or there may be a component of drug and/or alcohol use. In these cases, many of the male victims do not have the information available to them that would help them identify the cause of the violent or addictive tendencies in their spouses so they tend to suffer longer in their relationships before revealing their situations.
The answer I gave to my male questioner appears below:
"Thanks so much for your question. Honestly, these kinds of situations are very complicated. Emotions run deep and the bonding between two people in a marriage relationship is always more connected than any other type of relationship. I am sorry to hear of your struggles and hope I will be able to offer some assistance.

The first thing to bear in mind is that healthy relationships grow. There is something very wrong if one or both people aren't growing in the relationship. Fear has no place in a marriage and if there is fear there, then something needs to be done about it; whether that involves counseling individually, marriage counseling or as a last resort - separation and/or divorce. The next thing to understand when there are problems in the relationship is that if only one person is trying to heal, the relationship doesn't get very far.

The situation with your wife is filled with many red flags. You can't heal a relationship if the people in it aren't both willing to face the issues that are making the difficulties in the marriage. Showing up to a counseling appointment and never going back is not a good sign that the person wants to change. Whatever is at issue in her life is not going to be healed until she is willing to address it and put in the work that is necessary to change and heal. You don't have the skill set to be able to help her and if she is not willing to work with a professional, there may be little that you can do to improve the situation.

On your side, you are not growing and the environment within the relationship is toxic to you. That isn't a good sign either. You asked why you are staying in a relationship that causes you so much pain and the easy answer is that there is a part in all of us that is created to be in relationship with another person. The negative attachment that you are experiencing is more preferable than being lonely on some level. That is the place for you to work on with a counselor in individual therapy sessions. Although this situation has been intensely painful for you, the good side of it is that it has exposed some wounds in your heart that need to be healed, and I would encourage you to do so. You have acknowledged that you have allowed your wife to treat you dishonorably, but the real question is why. Besides the issues of self worth and self respect, there are boundary issues that need to be addressed and if you are afraid to set those boundaries with her, that would be another issue to discuss with your counselor.

The situation on your wife's side may be the result of committment issues or one of several forms of mental illness, or perhaps even some addiction issues. But in any of those cases, the answer lies with some professional help and if your wife is unwilling to do that, there is really no reason to believe that the situation will improve. Please take a look at a website called BPD Central, located at http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/main.shtml Once you read through this information, click on "Indicators" and read what is there. This information may look familiar to you. If not, then your wife may be struggling with other issues.

I agree with your counselor. This relationship is very unhealthy and the hope of change doesn't look very great. At this point, your marriage vows have been broken, not by you, but by your wife. She has not honored you or cherished you and what kind of marriage can survive if only one of the individuals in it honors their vows? I would also advise you to take into consideration the effect this is having on your son. Besides watching someone abuse his father, there is also the idea that in the condition you describe yourself as being in, how connected and available are you to him, and what quality can you give him in your relationship with him?

I'm sorry that the news I am giving you is not any better than it is. I truly wish you all the best because I know how difficult these decisions are. If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again."
If you know of any males who may be in this kind of situation, I would encourage you to be supportive and encouraging to him as it may be very difficult for him to admit the situation that he finds himself in. These types of situations are atypical of what we might think of when we think of domestic violence, but they do exist.....unfortunately.
Male Victims of Female Perpetrated Domestic Violence

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From the perspective of one who served...

I have received some very meaningful responses to my last post, and I wanted to share one with you. This person has given permission to share his story and I think it illustrates so well what I was trying to say before. Our military personnel do not see themselves as anything special. They are just doing their jobs....however, when you step back a bit and overlay what they do in the context of history, it can look very different and that is where we are provided with the understanding of just what kind of meaning is ascribed to the jobs that they do.
"It has taken a while to respond because I wanted to give this some thought, in between the many fires one puts out while consulting on a state representative campaign, a prosecutor campaign and a US Senate campaign.
I enlisted during the Vietnam War. They weren’t shipping 17 year olds or I most likely would have wound up jungle temperature because I wasn’t the most savvy individual wearing a uniform. I had a lot of book-learning: scored very high in tests, but lacked the skill set necessary to put it all together for at least 2 years. But in all of that, I don’t recall thinking profound thoughts. We very much lived in the moment.
They were, arguably, moments that varied from the searing heat of Saudi Arabia to the mind numbing cold of Grafenwhoer or the East German border. They were moments of sheer, unadulterated boredom to indescribable, white light excitement.
But in all of that, we viewed the forest with the tree bark within inches of our faces. We mostly weren’t big-picture guys. I knew the quasi-isolation of living on the East German border a long way away from Frankfurt Airport/Rhein Main Air Base… which would have been taken out immediately if the balloon went up, quickly killing any expectation of evacuating dependents.
Because of our proximity to the border and the fact that I knew the dependent evacuation plan was just so much eye wash, I knew the feeling of teaching my former wife the rudimentary knowledge she needed to have of a .45… of putting that .45 away into a closet and turning to look at her to tell her that she should not allow herself or the children to be taken alive.
I knew that.
But there was no historical perspective for me, since I was in the moment.
Much like viewing life from the wrong end of a telescope, the view was stilted and primarily focused on the maximum range of the 120 MM smoothbore cannon on an Abrams tank (3000 meters) and how far the M3 Cavalry Fighting Vehicle (Bradley) could go on a tank of fuel. The things we did were things we had to do and conditions we had to live in, places frequently hostile to us and our mission. During that time, I saw the best and the worst of men. I saw great commanders and mediocre officers. I saw the political animals and the truly great.
But it was rarely, if ever, viewed in terms of sacrifice at the time.
I spent 6 years in the middle of one battlefield or another in Germany and other places where horrific things were the insane order of the day. I visited the ancestral estates of the Count of Dachau… twice… and you’re right… you DO “feel it.”
If you have not served… or have not suffered the loss of a loved one… or part of a loved one… you can never truly know or understand these things. That vacuum is now felt at the highest levels and shows in the cluelessness of this nation’s leadership.
I don’t feel worse for our civilian culture that neither has nor wants to find that understanding. I don’t know that there’s ever enough that we can do for our combat veterans… the risks and costs are so great, and they’ve frequently paid it.
But I don’t view the time I spent in the military as a sacrifice. We all owe a debt at some level; the question is which?
I was hard wired for the Army. I wasn’t perfect for it, and for me, it was extremely difficult to traverse the political terrain (I frequently did not play well with the other children) and I made some very bad judgments in the area of my personal life. But most likely, I would have made them regardless of my chosen vocation.
I probably would have stayed in another 6 years or so until retirement (Sheesh… retirement at age 37) and I would have caught the first Persian gulf war. But the family situation killed that off. I regret missing that war. But in saying that, it isn’t because of a duty to my country so much as it is the latent desire to engage in the thing I knew best how to do under the conditions I was meant to do it in. Not to worry. Others have taken my place.
I just wish our country would keep its word to us about what we would receive in return for service. But since that is not going to happen, I leave you with this:
You can bet that I stand ready when the wolf growls at the door,
Hey, I'm solid, hey I'm steady, hey I'm true down to the core,
And I will always do my duty, no matter what the price,
I've counted up the cost, I know the sacrifice,
Oh, and I don't want to die for you,
But if dying's asked of me,
I'll bear that cross with an honor,
'Cause freedom don't come free.
I'm an American Soldier, an American,
Beside my Brothers and my Sisters I will proudly take a stand.
When liberty's in jeopardy I'll always do what's right.
I'm out here on the front lines, sleep in peace tonight.
American Soldier,
I'm an American Soldier.
It’s what I was meant to be. And the greatest loss within my life, outside my son, will be that I did not die in uniform.
I don’t write this out of any sense of sacrifice for doing that which I chose to do for the country that has provided me with the ability to succeed beyond my wildest dreams. But part of me never stopped being a soldier. And even now, after being out for 23 years… I still miss it terribly. Most of us, given a choice, wouldn’t have it any other way.

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Why She Stays

Many people who have not been abused by an intimate partner often say that if their partner ever abused them they certainly would leave. Remaining in or returning to an abusive relationship may be a rational survival mechanism. Domestic violence victims are not always passive. They may attempt to protect themselves through a variety of mechanisms short of leaving. Below are some of the reason victims choose to stay or return to an abusive relationship.
Commitment to the relationship. There are serious factors that weigh on a victim's decision to leave. The abuser is the person the victim loves. This makes leaving the abuser especially difficult where violent episodes are followed by periods of affection and positive attention. The abuser may be the father/mother of the victim's children. The victim may want to end the violence, but also preserve the family relationship.
Lack of self-confidence. Ending an intimate relationship is almost always difficult, but even more so when the victim’s self-confidence has been destroyed by abuse.
Believes the myths about domestic violence. Victims of domestic violence may assume that violence in an unavoidable part of life. Victims may also blame themselves for the violence.
No place to go. There are more animal shelters in the U.S. than shelters for battered women and children. Domestic violence is the cause of half of the homelessness in America's women and children.
Hope of change. Many abusers are remorseful after abusing the victim. This contrite behavior may include promising never to hit again, agreeing to seek counseling if the victim promises not to leave, reminding the victim of how hard the perpetrator works, pointing out the incredible stresses under which s/he is operating, acknowledging the wrongfulness of his/her violence to the children and asking their help in stopping it, and demonstrating his/her love for the victim in meaningful ways. Since victims have often built their lives around the relationship, they hope for change. When the abuser acknowledges the error of his/her ways, when s/he breaks down and cries and concedes the need for dramatic change, hope is often born anew for the victim.
Isolation. Many victims of domestic violence do not have a support system. The abuser has isolated them. For example, the abuser may prohibit the victim from using the phone, may humiliate him/her at family gatherings, may insist on transporting him/her to and from work, or may censor his/her mail. Abusers are often highly possessive and excessively jealous. They believe that they own the victim and are entitled to his/her exclusive attention and absolute obedience. The abuser knows that if the truth is known about his/her conduct, support persons will encourage the victim to leave the abuser. Therefore, abusers isolate victims in order to sustain the power of violence.
Societal denial. Victims of domestic violence fear that no one will believe that their partners abuse them. Abusers are often ingratiating and popular and keep their terrorizing and controlling behaviors within the family behind closed doors. The victim knows this and it compounds his/her fear that no one will believe them. Victims of domestic violence also discover that many people and agencies in the community trivialize the impact of domestic violence. For example, doctors may prescribe Valium for coping, ministers may recommend more accommodating behaviors, and therapists may advise better communication with the abuser. Victims conclude that if others do not understand the seriousness of the violence, they will condemn the disruption caused by leaving the relationship.
Abuser's threats. Even when the victim decides to leave, the abuser may threaten to seek custody of their children, to withhold financial support, to interfere with the victim’s employment or housing, to kill other family members, to commit retaliatory suicide, or to escalate the violence in an attempt to keep the victim in the relationship.
Dangers in leaving. Many victims believe that leaving is not going to make his/her life and their children’s lives safer. Many victims of domestic violence are killed by their partners after they have left the abuser. Leaving, itself, can be a dangerous process. Many abusers escalate their violence in order to coerce the victim into reconciliation or to retaliate for the victim’s departure. Leaving requires strategic planning and legal intervention to safeguard victims and their children.
Economic dependency. The most likely indicator of whether a victim of domestic violence will permanently separate from his/her abuser is whether s/he has the economic resources to survive without the abuser. Therefore, it is incredibly important that victims obtain support awards in protection orders and are referred to abused women’s programs where they can learn about other economic supports, job training, and employment opportunities.
Leaving is a process. Most victims of domestic violence leave and return several times before permanently separating from the abuser. The first time a victim leaves may be a test to see whether the abuser will obtain help or stop his/her abuse. The victim may leave temporarily in order to gain more information about the resources available to her before leaving the abuser permanently. Most victims of domestic violence do leave eventually. When victims stay, friends, family, and agencies in the community need to look to see what they are doing to hinder the process of leaving and make changes to facilitate leaving.
Retrieved from http://www.law.indiana.edu/pop/domestic_violence/stays.shtml on June 18, 2008. provided by Living Well Counseling and Consulting, LLC www.livingwellcc.com info@livingwellcc.com

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