Showing posts with label Emotion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emotion. Show all posts

Monday, August 23, 2010

Abuse In Marriage As It Pertains to Christians

I don't usually publish whole articles in my blog posts, but since I am getting so many questions about this subject right now, I am going to post the contents of an article written in Christianity Today (October, 2007, author David Instone-Brewer) that I'm sure will answer a lot of questions regarding the idea of staying in an abusive relationship. There are so many Christian women who have believed (and for good reason) that it is imperative to stay in an abusive relationship because God hates divorce and that divorce is a sin. This article is like a breath of fresh air and really puts abusive relationships in perspective. Please feel free to share this with any and all women who need to understand this crucial and foundational portion of scripture:
I WAS BEING INTERVIEWED for what would be my first church pastorate, and I was nervous and unsure what to expect. The twelve deacons sat in a row in front of me and took turns asking questions, which I answered as clearly as I could. All went smoothly until they posed this question: "What is your position on divorce and remarriage? Would you remarry a divorcee or divorced man?" I didn't know if this was a trick question or an honest one. There might have been a deep-seated pastoral need behind it, or it might have been a test of my orthodoxy. Either way, I didn't think I could summarize my view in one sentence; when I thought about it further, I couldn't decide exactly what my view was. I gave a deliberately vague reply. "Every case should be judged on its own merits." . It worked; I got the job. But I made a mental note to study the subject of divorce, and to do it quickly. It's a good thing I did.  As it turned out, I was surrounded by people who needed answers to questions raised by divorce and remarriage. My Baptist church was located near an Anglican congregation and two Catholic churches. Divorced men and women from these congregations came asking if we would conduct their weddings, having been denied in their local churches. Then I found that some of my deacons had been divorced and remarried. Should I throw them out of church leadership? If I did, I would lose people I considered some of the most spiritual in the church, people with exemplary Christian homes and marriages.
The New Testament presents a problem in understanding both what the text says about divorce and its pastoral implications.  Jesus appears to say that divorce is allowed only if adultery has occurred: "Whoever divorces a wife, except for sexual indecency, and remarries, commits adultery" (Matt. 19:9).However, this
has been interpreted in many different ways. Most say that Jesus allows divorce only for adultery. But some argue that Jesus originally didn't allow even that. Only in Matthew does he offer an out from marriage: "except for sexual indecency." Beyond what Jesus says, Paul also allows divorce. He permits it for abandonment
by a nonbeliever (1 Cor. 7:12-15). Many theologians add this as a second ground for divorce.
Yet some pastors have found this teaching difficult to accept, because it seems so impractical-even cruel in certain situations. It suggests there can be no divorce for physical or emotional abuse, and Paul even seems to forbid separation (1 Cor. 7:10). As a result, some Christians quietly ignore this seemingly "impractical" biblical teaching or find ways around it. For example, they suggest that when Jesus talked about "sexual immorality," perhaps he included other things like abuse. Or when Paul talked about abandonment by a nonbeliever, perhaps he included any behavior that is not supportive of the marriage or abandonment by anyone who is acting like a nonbeliever. Many have welcomed such stretching of Scripture because they couldn't accept what they believed the text apparently said. But does the literal text mean what we think it does?
While doing doctoral studies at Cambridge, I likely read every surviving writing of the rabbis of Jesus' time. I "got inside their heads" enough to begin to understand them. When I began working as a pastor and was confronted almost immediately with divorced men and women who wanted to remarry, my first response was
to re-read the Bible. I'd read the biblical texts on divorce many times in the past, but I found something strange as I did so again. They now said something I hadn't heard before I read the rabbis!
'ANY CAUSE' DIVORCE'
The texts hadn't changed, but my knowledge of the language and culture in which they were written had. I was now reading them like a first -century Jew would have read them, and this time those confusing passages made more sense. My book, Divorce and Remarriage in the Church, is a summary of several academic papers and books I began writing with this new understanding of what Jesus taught.
One of my most dramatic findings concerns a question the Pharisees asked Jesus: "Is it lawful to divorce a wife for any cause?" (Matt. 19:3). This question reminded me that a few decades before Jesus, some rabbis (the Hillelites) had invented a new form of divorce called the "any cause" divorce. By the time of Jesus, this "any cause" divorce had become so popular that almost no one relied on the literal Old Testament.
The "any cause" divorce was invented from a single word in Deuteronomy 24:1.  Moses allowed divorce for "a cause of immorality," or more literally, "a thing of nakedness." Most Jews recognized that this unusual phrase was talking about adultery. But the Hillelite rabbis wondered why Moses had added the word "thing" or "cause" when he only needed to use the word "immorality." They decided this extra word implied another ground for divorce - divorce for "a cause." They argued that anything, including a burnt meal or wrinkles not there when you married your wife, could be a cause! The text, they said, taught that divorce was allowed both for adultery and for "any cause."
This single phrase that referred to no type of divorce "except immorality"-and therefore the new "any cause" divorces were invalid. These opposing views were well known to all first-century Jews. And the Pharisees wanted to know where Jesus stood. "Is it lawful to divorce your wife for any cause?" they asked. In other words: "Is it lawful for us to use the 'any cause' divorce?" When Jesus answered with a resounding no, he wasn't condemning "divorce for any cause," but rather the newly invented "any cause" divorce. Jesus agreed firmly with the second group that the phrase didn't mean divorce was allowable for "immorality" and for "any cause," but that Deutermonomy 24:1 referred to no type of divorce "except immorality." This was a shocking statement for the crowd and for the disciples. It meant they couldn't get a divorce whenever they wanted it - there had to be a lawful cause. It also meant that virtually every divorced man or women was not really divorced.
Luke and Matthew summarized the whole debate in one sentence: Any divorced person who remarried was committing adultery (Matt. 5:32;Luke 16:18),because they were still married. The fact that they said "any divorced person" instead of "virtually all divorced people" is typical Jewish hyperbole - like Mark saying that "everyone" in Jerusalem came to be baptized by John (Mark 1:5).  It may not be obvious to us, but their first readers understood clearly what they meant. Within a few decades, however, no one understood these terms any more. Language often changes quickly (as I found out when my children first heard the Flintstones sing about "a gay old time"). The early church, and even Jewish rabbis, forgot what the "any cause" divorce was, because soon after the days of Jesus, it became the only type of divorce on offer. It was simply called divorce. This meant that when Jesus condemned "divorce for 'any cause,' " later generations thought he meant "divorce for any cause."
Now that we know what Jesus did reject, we can also see what he didn't reject. He wasn't rejecting the Old Testament- he was rejecting a faulty Jewish interpretation of the Old Testament. He defended the true meaning of Deuteronomy 24:1. And there is one other surprising thing he didn't reject: Jesus didn't reject the other ground for divorce in the old Testament, which all Jews accepted. Although the church forgot the other cause for divorce, every Jew in Jesus' day knew about Exodus 21:10-11, which allowed divorce for neglect.
Before rabbis introduced the "any cause" divorce, this was probably the most common type. Exodus says that everyone, even a slave wife, had three rights within marriage; the rights to food, clothing, and love. If these were neglected, the wronged spouse had the right to seek freedom from that marriage. Even women could, and did, get divorces for neglect-though the man still had to write out the divorce certificate. Rabbis said he had to do it voluntarily, so if he resisted, the courts had him beaten till he volunteered!
These three rights became the basis of Jewish marriage vows - we find them listed in marriage certificates discovered near the Dead Sea. In later Jewish and Christian marriages, the language became more formal, such as "love, honor, and keep." These vows, together with a vow of sexual faithfulness, have always been the basis for marriage. Thus, the vows we make when we marry correspond directly to the biblical grounds for divorce. The three provisions of food, clothing, and love were understood literally by the Jews. The wife had to cook and sew, while the husband provided food and materials, or money. They both had to provide the emotional support of marital love, though they could abstain from sex for short periods. Paul taught the same thing. He said that married couples owed each other love (1 Cor. 7:3-5) and material support (1 Cor. 7:33-34). He didn't say that neglect of these rights was the basis of divorce because he didn't need to - it was stated on the marriage certificate. Anyone who was neglected, in terms of emotional support or physical support, could legally claim a divorce.
Divorce for neglect included divorce for abuse, because this was extreme neglect. There was no question about that end of the spectrum of neglect, but what about the other end? What about abandonment, which was merely a kind of passive neglect? This was an uncertain matter, so Paul deals with it. He says to all believers that they may not abandon their partners, and if they have done so, they should return (1 Cor.
7:10-11).
In the case of someone who is abandoned by an unbeliever - someone who won't obey the command to return - he says that the abandoned person is "no longer bound." Anyone in first-century Palestine reading this phrase would think immediately of the wording at the end of all Jewish, and most Roman, divorce certificates: "You are free to marry anyone you wish."
Putting all this together gives us a clear and consistent set of rules for divorce and remarriage. Divorce is only allowed for a limited number of grounds that are found in the Old Testament and affirmed in the New Testament:
  • Adultery (in Deuteronomy 24:1, affirmed by Jesus in Matthew 19)
  • Emotional and physical neglect (in Exodus 21:10-11, affirmed by Paul in 1Corinthians 7)
  • Abandonment and abuse (included in neglect, as affirmed in 1Corinthians 7)
Jewish couples listed these biblical grounds for divorce in their marriage vows. We reiterate them as love, honor, and keep and be faithful to each other. When these vows were broken, it threatened to break up the marriage. As in any broken contract, the wronged party had the right to say, "I forgive you; let's carry on," or, "I can't go on, because this marriage is broken." Therefore, while divorce should never happen, God allows it (and subsequent remarriage) when your partner breaks the marriage vows.
Reading the Bible and ancient Jewish documents side-by-side helped me understand much more of the Bible's teaching about divorce and marriage, not all of which I can summarize here. Dusty scraps of parchment rescued from synagogue rubbish rooms, desert caves, and neglected scholarly collections shone fresh light on the New Testament. Theologians who have long felt that divorce should be allowed for abuse and abandonment may be vindicated. And, more importantly, victims of broken marriages can see that God's law is both practical and loving.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Men Can Also Be The Victims of Abuse

Although most of us are more familiar with the domestic violence situation where the male counterpart is the violent or emotional abuser, men can be the victims of abuse and domestic violence as well. 835,000 men are assaulted by intimate partners every year in the United States, as compared to 1.3 million women.
The problem with intimate partner violence against men is that males find it a very shameful thing to talk about so they often suffer in silence. Although most domestic violence organizations and Women's Centers in the local communities are very open to domestic violence victims of both sexes, these organizations are somewhat biased towards women, simply because it is the female population they serve most often. Men find it very difficult to go to them for help. Unless men take the initiative to find a personal counselor who can help them, they often feel a certain level of helplessness and shame as they continue in their relationships with abusive women.
The following question came to me which illustrates this situation very well.
"I am a very confused man. I was married to my second wife in July of 2009 after being on my own for 6 years raising my son. By August my new wife stopped having anything to do with me and moved out in February. Those 7 months were very stressful as she wouldn’t talk to me, she wasn’t interested in counseling, etc. In March she contacted me and asked if we could work on our marriage and I was very open to doing so. Since then, there have been 3 other times when we start to work on our marriage and then she suddenly shuts me out for weeks and then sends me an email saying how nasty I am.

In the last round she hacked into my FB account and read and email that I wrote to a lady in our church who is a good friend and had also been in an abusive relationship. I was seeking her advice and guidance and in my email I stated how I wanted my marriage to work that I was glad we were going to counseling but that I would guard my heart this time because of the past history. My wife felt totally betrayed because I did say that I was in an abusive relationship even though I did say that I was hopeful that counseling could help us.
My wife (who lives in another town) sent me an email after reading what I wrote saying how I betrayed her trust by talking to another woman about what I was going through. I’ve also talked to a counselor and my pastor and some other good friends about the situation as well. They are all concerned that I am in a relationship that is so volatile.

I love my wife but I am afraid of her. If she gets mad for any reason she shuts me out for weeks or months and always ends up sending me an email saying our marriage is over. I’m trying very hard to get over this last round and nasty email because it just hurts so much and I’m so afraid that if I do or say anything wrong I’ll get emotionally shut out if we do get back together.
My wife admits she is very jealous and controlling and she has used key logger programs in the past to get access to my passwords, etc to see who I am talking to and what I’m talking about. I believe in my marriage vows but at the same time I am so confused because I don’t know if I should keep trying to reconcile or if I should get out of the relationship now. My family and friend all feel that I need to get out because the marriage has taken a very heavy emotional toll on me. I am now on antidepressants, anti anxiety pills and I take sleeping pills every night. I’ve never been on this type of medication before and it has all started since I got married. There were earlier instances before we were married where she would shut me out but she always had a reason why.

For some reason I just can’t seem to break the bond I have with my wife. I realize I have let her do the things to me that she has and I have always taken her back but now I need to know if I should trust my family or focus on trying once again to heal my marriage. My counselor has said that the relationship is very unhealthy and abusive but she doesn’t know if my wife is doing it intentionally or not. We did attend one counseling session together but my wife didn’t like what was said to her so she refused to go back.

Please help me understand why I’m staying in a relationship that is causing me so much emotional pain. Thank you."

These kinds of scenarios are heartbreaking, but the truth is that they are happening more often than the average person might think. Because violence against males happens less often, and violent, aggressive tendencies are less apparent in the female of the species, it has been thought that the female perpetrators may be suffering from one of a select variety of mental illnesses or there may be a component of drug and/or alcohol use. In these cases, many of the male victims do not have the information available to them that would help them identify the cause of the violent or addictive tendencies in their spouses so they tend to suffer longer in their relationships before revealing their situations.
The answer I gave to my male questioner appears below:
"Thanks so much for your question. Honestly, these kinds of situations are very complicated. Emotions run deep and the bonding between two people in a marriage relationship is always more connected than any other type of relationship. I am sorry to hear of your struggles and hope I will be able to offer some assistance.

The first thing to bear in mind is that healthy relationships grow. There is something very wrong if one or both people aren't growing in the relationship. Fear has no place in a marriage and if there is fear there, then something needs to be done about it; whether that involves counseling individually, marriage counseling or as a last resort - separation and/or divorce. The next thing to understand when there are problems in the relationship is that if only one person is trying to heal, the relationship doesn't get very far.

The situation with your wife is filled with many red flags. You can't heal a relationship if the people in it aren't both willing to face the issues that are making the difficulties in the marriage. Showing up to a counseling appointment and never going back is not a good sign that the person wants to change. Whatever is at issue in her life is not going to be healed until she is willing to address it and put in the work that is necessary to change and heal. You don't have the skill set to be able to help her and if she is not willing to work with a professional, there may be little that you can do to improve the situation.

On your side, you are not growing and the environment within the relationship is toxic to you. That isn't a good sign either. You asked why you are staying in a relationship that causes you so much pain and the easy answer is that there is a part in all of us that is created to be in relationship with another person. The negative attachment that you are experiencing is more preferable than being lonely on some level. That is the place for you to work on with a counselor in individual therapy sessions. Although this situation has been intensely painful for you, the good side of it is that it has exposed some wounds in your heart that need to be healed, and I would encourage you to do so. You have acknowledged that you have allowed your wife to treat you dishonorably, but the real question is why. Besides the issues of self worth and self respect, there are boundary issues that need to be addressed and if you are afraid to set those boundaries with her, that would be another issue to discuss with your counselor.

The situation on your wife's side may be the result of committment issues or one of several forms of mental illness, or perhaps even some addiction issues. But in any of those cases, the answer lies with some professional help and if your wife is unwilling to do that, there is really no reason to believe that the situation will improve. Please take a look at a website called BPD Central, located at http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/main.shtml Once you read through this information, click on "Indicators" and read what is there. This information may look familiar to you. If not, then your wife may be struggling with other issues.

I agree with your counselor. This relationship is very unhealthy and the hope of change doesn't look very great. At this point, your marriage vows have been broken, not by you, but by your wife. She has not honored you or cherished you and what kind of marriage can survive if only one of the individuals in it honors their vows? I would also advise you to take into consideration the effect this is having on your son. Besides watching someone abuse his father, there is also the idea that in the condition you describe yourself as being in, how connected and available are you to him, and what quality can you give him in your relationship with him?

I'm sorry that the news I am giving you is not any better than it is. I truly wish you all the best because I know how difficult these decisions are. If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again."

If you know of any males who may be in this kind of situation, I would encourage you to be supportive and encouraging to him as it may be very difficult for him to admit the situation that he finds himself in. These types of situations are atypical of what we might think of when we think of domestic violence, but they do exist.....unfortunately.
Male Victims of Female Perpetrated Domestic Violence

Saturday, June 5, 2010

How Much Abuse is Too Much?

This is an age old question that plagues every person who considers leaving a relationship. I have to be honest with you as a reader of my blog, abuse is a deal breaker for me. I don't believe it is ever warranted, and if someone persists in abusive behavior, won't take responsibility for it and do something to change, then there need to be consequences for that. In this series of questions, this part of the dialogue between myself and this person who lives in another country, is the last question over several exchanges. Her husband has been very verbally and emotionally abusive to her, he has been physical several times in the past, they have gone to counseling and have reached out for help but the counseling was stopped after several months. At this point, she is being advised not to leave the relationship by Christian counselors and church leaders because they want her to give her husband a chance to change.
Here is the question that is often asked:
"I have always been taught that reconciliation and restoration of relationships should be the end-goal. I have also been taught not to follow my feelings - eg, you may feel like gossiping, but you choose not to. I am afraid that if I ask for a severance of relationship, he will be able to get back-up support to pressure me to "patch things up" if he is working towards change, eg. from the Bible, from books, from the psychologist, from friends, from spiritual leaders, etc. How do I withstand that pressure and justify freedom from abuse when I haven't been (and probably will never be, as he is on a good behaviour bond) beaten? How severe does domestic violence have to be before it becomes justifiable to leave the relationship?"
Here is my answer:
"Yes, I understand the pressure that comes from parts of the Christian Community in terms of leaving relationships. However, it must be understood that what Jesus was talking about in the New Testament scriptures was divorce for no cause, similar to what we have today and He referred back to the Old Testament scriptures when He did it. Anyone in that day who heard Him speak would have known exactly what He was talking about. You don't just divorce someone because they don't put the cap back on the toothpaste tube. However emotional and physical safety need to be a priority and when those boundaries are consistently crossed, action of some kind needs to be taken. Whether a person divorces or not, the priority at that point becomes being safe by whatever means are needed to achieve that safety.

Although I can't speak for laws where you are, there are laws here that deal with verbal assault, assault in general and then when the physical comes into it, that is called battery. Again, I am not an attorney or a police officer, so the legal aspects of those things are beyond the scope of what I can give you here, but it is an example. If he has EVER put his hands on you, that is against the law, at least where I am from and Jesus taught us to obey the laws of the land.

It is never easy to oppose authority, but I have never failed to see the Lord provide for women who have chosen to leave an abusive relationship. He simply waits for them to make a decision and once that decision is made, doors seem to open for them. You are not going to be able to go into a big theological debate with these people about why you want to leave. Is your husband fulfilling his part of the marriage contract that he made with you on your wedding day? Is he honoring you and cherishing you? Is he, as head of the home, providing an environment where you and your family can thrive and grow. If not, he is being neglectful towards you.

There comes a point in every abusive marriage where the abuse victim has to stand up and say "enough!". Everyone will have their opinion, but you have to live with the situation and you have to choose what you can live with and what you can't. The pastors and the friends and the psychologist and the authors of the books don't have to live with it, you do...so your opinion counts more than anyone else. Divorce, when considered a sin is no different than any other sin and is forgiven just as any other sin is forgiven. The problem is, the church has made marriage into an idol. 40 years ago, alcoholism and nicotine addiction were the idol. People who drank and smoked were ostracized from the church and now people say very little about it, they even have support groups created to help people with addictions that are held within the church structure. Today the issue is marriage/divorce and 40 years from now who knows what the issue will be. All I know is that the God I serve values women, has taken steps to protect them from the "hardened hearts" of men and it is not His will that any person should be harmed. I believe that the reason He hates divorce is because of the consequences of it; it can be painful, it can be destructive and the aftermath can be difficult for all involved. However, He did not say not to do it and He gave individuals a way out. Scripture says that God always provides a way out....why would He not provide a way out of such sinful and destructive relationships as those with abuse involved? The Lord forgave and stood up for the woman caught in adultery and He also forgave Rahab in the Old Testament. Although those are not direct examples of what we are talking about, I believe they do show the heart of God towards women who are being abused by and taken advantage of by men.

In regard to the teaching of not following your feelings, I am aware of that teaching, however if we aren't supposed to pay attention to our feelings, why did God give them to us? God has feelings and scripture often says that Jesus was moved by compassion before He healed someone. We aren't supposed to base our decisions entirely on them, but feelings are messengers and we are supposed to pay attention to the message. Take fear for example; if you are walking on a dark street and all of a sudden the hair on the back of your neck stands up and you get a nervous twitch in your stomach...that is a warning. Individuals who haven't paid attention to that warning have ended up murdered, raped or assaulted. If we ascribe to the teaching that we aren't to follow our feelings, then we cut off a very valuable part of our discernment which is a gift that God has given us. Scripture also says that God gives us the desires of our hearts...which means that He places desires in our hearts that He would have us follow. If we weren't moved by desire...which is also a feeling...how would be be able to follow Him in those areas? The idea that feelings are bad and should be ignored is a very false premise...the truth is that we aren't to be ruled by emotion, but we are to use it in conjunction with wisdom, with reasoning and with truth in order to make informed and good decisions.

How severe does the domestic violence have to be? Here are the definitions to keep in mind: (not my words, these came from the dictionary)

"# The definition of abuse: 1) to use wrongly or improperly, misuse, 2) to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way: 3) to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about;
# Abuse turns into trauma when an emotional wound or shock creates substantial, lasting damage to the psychological development of a person"


In simple terms, severity relates to a pattern of behavior. Usually individuals can deal with difficult behavior when someone has a bad day or they are ill and irritable. Those situations don't happen all the time. However, when the pattern of bad behavior persists monthly, weekly or daily, then there is little time for the victim to recover and over time, that creates lasting damage to the emotional and psychological health of the victim. The issue that I see with those who are pressuring you to stay is that they are not giving you credit for the years of chances that you have already given your husband to change. When you found yourself asking for help, it was not because this had been the first time your husband had been abusive. He had been abusive many, many times. At this point, the consequences of that abuse are apparent, are beyond what you can overcome. That needs to be taken into consideration.

In leaving the situation, you are not saying that you don't believe this person is incapable of change and healing, it just says that you have reached a point where you cannot endure the process any longer and if he is going to change and heal, he is fully capable of doing that without you there to be the recipient of his bad behavior. You withstand the pressure by standing with people who agree with you, finding an abuse counselor who can be of support to you and by standing firm in the knowledge of why you are leaving. If you have reached a point that you are not able to grow in this relationship, or that you cannot recover from the abuse that has happened to you within this relationship, those may be deal breakers for you. You define what your deal breakers are and then stand in your convictions. That will require some courage and inner strength. Like I said before, once out of these relationships, most women find they have a clearer head and can see what has happened to them over the time they have been with the abuser.

If you aren't at a place where you believe you can withstand the outside pressure, you have to assess that. If you aren't strong enough, then my best advice would be to seek out an abuse counselor, someone who has experience with abused women, and work on those inner beliefs that keep you there. Invest in yourself, strengthen yourself, get healthy and create a support network around you that you can fall back on when you feel tired and hopeless. Just understand that whether you divorce or not, God loves you and that will NEVER change. You will never be "less than" in His eyes for anything that you do or don't do. He loves you unconditionally."

As you can see, this is a very complex subject. There are no pat answers, simply because people are individuals and as such, their relationships are unique. However, abuse has a very distinct and repeatable pattern to it; so much so that many, many books and much research have been written on the subject. Bottom line, at least for me, is that relationship is a privilege and we all must honor and respect each other in them. Individuals who are unable or unwilling to do that, first need to be confronted and if there is no change, then the two people go to a mediator and if they continue to refuse to make the changes necessary, then the consequences are clear. That is the Matthew 18 principle.