On Trial

It is always a tragedy to me when I hear of a wife who is being convicted of a crime such as murder because she has been subjected to physical violence for quite some time in her relationship.  Obviously, the more appropriate resolution to a situation like that would be to leave before those kinds of situations arise, but I have to confess it breaks my heart to know that a woman who has been abused in ways we may not be able to understand is going to be put through a different kind of hell because she made a decision to stop the abuse.  Don't get me wrong, I do not condone murder or this kind of violence in retaliation.  Many times I tell abuse victims that if they can't get out of the relationship for themselves, get out before their spouse does something that they can't take back; something that will land them in jail.  Below is a question from a friend of an abuse victim that reflects this very thing.  It is a tragedy, something that can be prevented and should be prevented.


"A girlfriend of mine is on trial for the murder of her husband. She had been subjected to over 20 years of physical and emotional violence, but had never thought to leave because her family/culture/upbringing didn't allow it. Being isolated and new to the city, she didn't have any friends and an incident cause her great distress and she didn't intend to kill him, but things got out of hand, and he died. Although her children support her (while at time blaming her for not leaving and thus exposing them to abuse), her family and his are hostile to her for causing shame to the family. How do I best help her see that the domestic abuse was not her fault, that she did her best as a mother, and that healing is possible for the future? She is on bail and is monitored, so I don't know if she qualifies for support from domestic violence services. And since she is charged for several criminal offences, how do I tell her that this is not her fault?"


As a counselor I am limited as to what kind of response I can give, but within that scope it is hard to address the kind of pain that is coming from both sides of this question.  My previous article dealt with what it is like for family and friends to be on the outside of an abusive relationship looking in.  This is a prime example and my answer is below:


"I'm sure your friend is quite distraught and it is always a difficult thing to work through when one person dies at the hands of another.  Not only is she dealing with the trauma of the domestic violence, but there is a certain kind of trauma that comes when an individual takes the life of another.  Very difficult things to face and work through.

What she needs to understand and heal in herself is probably going to come on a long journey.  Domestic violence victims are usually individuals who have very low self esteem to begin with and it only gets worse after years of abuse.  It sounds as though the two families are more concerned about how they look as opposed to what has happened to her and that is more than likely why she stayed in such a situation.  The message from the family is that she doesn't matter...its all about looking good on the outside...she has been living with that message daily for her whole life.  Learning a different message will take time and effort.

I am not a legal expert and this is not legal advice, but general information to help you understand some concepts. Although I am unfamiliar with the laws in Australia, here in the US, among other things, there are 5 criteria that are used to determine whether deadly force is warranted.  When women here are convicted, usually, it is because they have reacted violently and killed their abuser after he has stopped beating them or threatening them..at the time he may be walking away afterward.  At that point the threat of harm has passed and that is one of the criteria that has to be in place.  If that is the same where you are, then it is hard to separate what is fault and what is not.  Was her judgment faulty, perhaps...was she not aware of what the law stated, more than likely.  There is a certain amount of responsibility that she may have to accept; however.....she is in no way responsible for the abuse that was perpetrated against her.  Getting her to understand that she is not responsible for another person's actions or feelings is a huge concept that will allow her to forgive herself and move on.  Understanding that most abusers have emotional and/or mental problems themselves can bring some understanding to the situation.  There are many factors that may have been at work here, but the key to her ability to heal is information, support and encouragement on a personal level.  She needs to understand that she is valuable and has worth.  Abusers erode whatever truth the victim has about that until they give up believing it.  But you need to understand that if your friend allowed herself to stay in that situation, she has some emotional issues to deal with herself.  Emotionally healthy people don't put up with abuse and don't stay in these situations.  Her greatest enemy was staying in denial.

My recommendation would be for you to visit my blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com and download or copy a few of the articles there having to do with why it is so hard to leave, stockholm syndrome and any others that you think may apply.  Information will be her friend at this time and the more she gets, the better understanding she will have.  She will be dealing with a lot of grief as well, which is a process she must go through to resolution.  Additionally, on my website  ( www.livingwellcc.com)  on the LIBRARY page there is an article called "the cycle of domestic violence" which she may find helpful.  Please feel free to download it and give it to her.  Abuse counseling is the best thing for her and in her present state of mind, she may not be up to doing the research it takes to find services so you may need to do that for her.  In the end, encouragement and unconditional love will serve her well.

I wish you all the best as you walk with your friend through this very hard journey."


Many women who continue to stay in relationships that are physical or relationships that continue to progress have to understand that they are not only putting themselves in danger, but they are endangering the abusive spouse as well.  We would hope that these individuals would get help to deal with their anger and their abusive behaviors, but if they land in prison they probably won't get the kind of help they need.  No one wants to see this kind of resolution to an abusive situation so this is something to think about, seriously and often.  


As with the cycle of domestic violence is a predictable pattern, the escalation of abuse has a pattern that is just as predictable.  It starts with holding the victim down or blocking their way out of a room or from leaving the area to get to safety.  It progresses from there.  Below is a list that is placed in order of increasing danger:

• Holding down, blocking, pinning
• Pushing or shoving
• Shaking or jerking
• Slapping and bruising
• Throwing objects
• Punching
• Kicking
• Black eyes, cuts, chipped teeth
• Burning with hot drinks, cigarettes, etc.
• Causing serious falls
• Choking
• Severe beatings
• Broken bones
• Hitting with objects
• Back injuries, paralysis
• Internal injuries
• Use of weapons
• Death

Many women who come to me often say, "He just choked me once....he threw an object at me, he pushed me down."  They say these things as if the action was no big deal or it isn't serious because it was only done "once".  However when you look on this list, these actions are very close to the point where serious injury becomes an issue and eventually death if it is allowed to continue.  October was Domestic Violence Awareness Month and the local abuse organization created human cutouts that were placed in honor of the women who had been killed as a result of domestic violence.  These 12 silhouettes represented only a small minority of the individuals who have been lost to domestic violence.  It is a sobering statistic to contemplate and even more sobering when one realizes that it is only denial that stands between a victim and safety.  

Related articles

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Abuse Effects the Entire Family

It is often times as traumatic for the family of an abuse victim to watch what is going on with their loved one as it is for the person going through the abuse.  Although we clearly love and are concerned about our family member, one of the most terrible feelings is the lack of control that family members feel to help the person break free from the abuse they are experiencing.  Most of the time, individuals outside the perimeter of an abusive relationship can see much more clearly what is happening to their family member, but the frustration is in getting that family member to see the truth of what is happening and take action to stop the abuse.

It is very difficult for a person who has little true self esteem and even less identity for themselves to stand up and do what it takes to leave an abuser. Often the family does not understand the dynamics that keep the victim bound.  Many times the victim is in the situation because they don't like to see other people in pain.  That fact alone will allow them to be manipulated by the abuser simply because the abuser is in pain all the time.  

Family members tend to lose sight of the fact that even if the relationship is abusive, there is still attachment there - albeit negative attachment.  The attachment and bonding between human beings is quite strong, however the desire not to be alone can be much stronger so negative attachment will suffice.  Therefore, an abuse victim will need support from any and all places it can be found, whether that be family or friends.  That is why it is so important not to allow the abuser to sever relationships with the victim.  Sometimes that alone is a difficult task because those relationships can be a threat to the abuser who will be working to isolate and control the victim.  Even if it is difficult and frustrating, it is important for friends and family to keep lines of communication open with the victim; it will be needed should the decision to leave ever becomes an option.

Bessel Van der Kolk, a research scientist who has written much about trauma and abuse has stated that as long as people can imagine having some control over what is happening to them, they can keep their wits about them.  That idea of control keeps hope alive so the abuse victim needs to be continually fed with choices, with options, with the truth that there is a network of people who will support them once the decision to get out is made.  A family can provide that support; however they need to be a strong, united front for the person they are trying to protect.   He has also stated that one of the coping strategies for victims is to dissociate, which can look like supreme denial or compartmentalism of thought and once they engage in that behavior, they become incapable of goal directed action.  

The abuse victim has many considerations to think about in order to make a decision to leave.  Finances, childcare, educational pursuits, and often getting a job with skills that are outdated or under used can be major obstacles in the planning of a transition out of an abusive relationship.  Support from family and friends to help the victim see that there are options can be invaluable as to whether the victim stays or leaves.  More often than not she will not be able to see past her husband either forbidding her to move out of a place of control or putting up obstacles such as not taking care of the children while she is work to harassing her by phone at her job or showing up and making a scene so that she eventually loses her position.  

Introduce children into the mix and things become very challenging because another generation is experiencing the modeling of abusive behaviors.  The true effects of abuse and trauma on children is a place of heavy denial for mothers who are in these relationships.  Some of the myths they believe are that if they don't fight in front of the kids, the kids aren't affected.  Another myth is that even though the husband may be abusive to the wife, he is still a good father.  This particular myth is untrue simply because abuse against a primary caregiver of the child by the other caregiver is immensely traumatizing.  Unless the husband is treating his wife with respect and honor, he cannot be a good father to his children.

Grandparents, parents, sibling and friends can have a better perspective of what is happening within an abusive relationship than the victim inside.  However, with that said, the victim has a better barometer of how much danger she is in at any moment in time.  It has been proven that the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship, especially a physically abusive relationship, is when she leaves.  That is why she needs a very strong support network she can count on, not only at that time but in the weeks and months after she leaves because it has been proven that abuse does not end after the marriage ends.  There can be stalking, manipulation and attempts to control through other means, especially the children.  

Family and friends, over time lose hope and get frustrated with the abuse victim who continually says she wants change but puts no effort to effect that change.  Statistics show that a woman will leave at least 7 times before she leaves for good but often families lose hope well before that.  When that happens, the victim loses the sense of her support network which makes it even more difficult to leave.  

Family members can fall under the control of the abuser just as much as the victim has simply because they realize that whatever they do to support their loved one is met with abusive action against her by the abuser.  They soon stop their efforts because they do not want to be the ones responsible for hurting their loved one.  Although they are not the ones directly inflicting the abuse, they feel powerless against the abuser who is.  If the family will step out and make use of the resources available, such as local women's centers or Domestic Violence organizations, they can continue to support their loved one in indirect ways.  If the children are being abuse, there are more avenues open to family members to use law enforcement and child protective services to intervene; however the family must be willing to do so and make the consequences stick.

Abusers get away with their actions because their victims do not enforce consequences that are available to them.  Consequences, however distasteful, may serve to turn around an abuser's life and instill a desire for healing and change.  That desire must come from within the heart of the abuser in order for change to come...no one can do it for them.  

In closing, if there is any question, it is NEVER appropriate for the abuser to request help from the victim.  Abusers are adults and are very capable of finding help for themselves.  Allowing them to do so helps to empower them and puts the responsibility for their healing in their hands, rather than piling it on the back of the one they have abused.

Related articles

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• Red Flags to Be Aware of As You Develop New Relationships (livingwellcc.blogspot.com)
• The Cycle of Abuse/Domestic Violence (livingwellcc.blogspot.com)

Abuse In Marriage As It Pertains to Christians

I don't usually publish whole articles in my blog posts, but since I am getting so many questions about this subject right now, I am going to post the contents of an article written in Christianity Today (October, 2007, author David Instone-Brewer) that I'm sure will answer a lot of questions regarding the idea of staying in an abusive relationship. There are so many Christian women who have believed (and for good reason) that it is imperative to stay in an abusive relationship because God hates divorce and that divorce is a sin. This article is like a breath of fresh air and really puts abusive relationships in perspective. Please feel free to share this with any and all women who need to understand this crucial and foundational portion of scripture:
I WAS BEING INTERVIEWED for what would be my first church pastorate, and I was nervous and unsure what to expect. The twelve deacons sat in a row in front of me and took turns asking questions, which I answered as clearly as I could. All went smoothly until they posed this question: "What is your position on divorce and remarriage? Would you remarry a divorcee or divorced man?" I didn't know if this was a trick question or an honest one. There might have been a deep-seated pastoral need behind it, or it might have been a test of my orthodoxy. Either way, I didn't think I could summarize my view in one sentence; when I thought about it further, I couldn't decide exactly what my view was. I gave a deliberately vague reply. "Every case should be judged on its own merits." . It worked; I got the job. But I made a mental note to study the subject of divorce, and to do it quickly. It's a good thing I did.  As it turned out, I was surrounded by people who needed answers to questions raised by divorce and remarriage. My Baptist church was located near an Anglican congregation and two Catholic churches. Divorced men and women from these congregations came asking if we would conduct their weddings, having been denied in their local churches. Then I found that some of my deacons had been divorced and remarried. Should I throw them out of church leadership? If I did, I would lose people I considered some of the most spiritual in the church, people with exemplary Christian homes and marriages.
The New Testament presents a problem in understanding both what the text says about divorce and its pastoral implications.  Jesus appears to say that divorce is allowed only if adultery has occurred: "Whoever divorces a wife, except for sexual indecency, and remarries, commits adultery" (Matt. 19:9).However, this
has been interpreted in many different ways. Most say that Jesus allows divorce only for adultery. But some argue that Jesus originally didn't allow even that. Only in Matthew does he offer an out from marriage: "except for sexual indecency." Beyond what Jesus says, Paul also allows divorce. He permits it for abandonment
by a nonbeliever (1 Cor. 7:12-15). Many theologians add this as a second ground for divorce.
Yet some pastors have found this teaching difficult to accept, because it seems so impractical-even cruel in certain situations. It suggests there can be no divorce for physical or emotional abuse, and Paul even seems to forbid separation (1 Cor. 7:10). As a result, some Christians quietly ignore this seemingly "impractical" biblical teaching or find ways around it. For example, they suggest that when Jesus talked about "sexual immorality," perhaps he included other things like abuse. Or when Paul talked about abandonment by a nonbeliever, perhaps he included any behavior that is not supportive of the marriage or abandonment by anyone who is acting like a nonbeliever. Many have welcomed such stretching of Scripture because they couldn't accept what they believed the text apparently said. But does the literal text mean what we think it does?
While doing doctoral studies at Cambridge, I likely read every surviving writing of the rabbis of Jesus' time. I "got inside their heads" enough to begin to understand them. When I began working as a pastor and was confronted almost immediately with divorced men and women who wanted to remarry, my first response was
to re-read the Bible. I'd read the biblical texts on divorce many times in the past, but I found something strange as I did so again. They now said something I hadn't heard before I read the rabbis!
'ANY CAUSE' DIVORCE'
The texts hadn't changed, but my knowledge of the language and culture in which they were written had. I was now reading them like a first -century Jew would have read them, and this time those confusing passages made more sense. My book, Divorce and Remarriage in the Church, is a summary of several academic papers and books I began writing with this new understanding of what Jesus taught.
One of my most dramatic findings concerns a question the Pharisees asked Jesus: "Is it lawful to divorce a wife for any cause?" (Matt. 19:3). This question reminded me that a few decades before Jesus, some rabbis (the Hillelites) had invented a new form of divorce called the "any cause" divorce. By the time of Jesus, this "any cause" divorce had become so popular that almost no one relied on the literal Old Testament.
The "any cause" divorce was invented from a single word in Deuteronomy 24:1.  Moses allowed divorce for "a cause of immorality," or more literally, "a thing of nakedness." Most Jews recognized that this unusual phrase was talking about adultery. But the Hillelite rabbis wondered why Moses had added the word "thing" or "cause" when he only needed to use the word "immorality." They decided this extra word implied another ground for divorce - divorce for "a cause." They argued that anything, including a burnt meal or wrinkles not there when you married your wife, could be a cause! The text, they said, taught that divorce was allowed both for adultery and for "any cause."
This single phrase that referred to no type of divorce "except immorality"-and therefore the new "any cause" divorces were invalid. These opposing views were well known to all first-century Jews. And the Pharisees wanted to know where Jesus stood. "Is it lawful to divorce your wife for any cause?" they asked. In other words: "Is it lawful for us to use the 'any cause' divorce?" When Jesus answered with a resounding no, he wasn't condemning "divorce for any cause," but rather the newly invented "any cause" divorce. Jesus agreed firmly with the second group that the phrase didn't mean divorce was allowable for "immorality" and for "any cause," but that Deutermonomy 24:1 referred to no type of divorce "except immorality." This was a shocking statement for the crowd and for the disciples. It meant they couldn't get a divorce whenever they wanted it - there had to be a lawful cause. It also meant that virtually every divorced man or women was not really divorced.
Luke and Matthew summarized the whole debate in one sentence: Any divorced person who remarried was committing adultery (Matt. 5:32;Luke 16:18),because they were still married. The fact that they said "any divorced person" instead of "virtually all divorced people" is typical Jewish hyperbole - like Mark saying that "everyone" in Jerusalem came to be baptized by John (Mark 1:5).  It may not be obvious to us, but their first readers understood clearly what they meant. Within a few decades, however, no one understood these terms any more. Language often changes quickly (as I found out when my children first heard the Flintstones sing about "a gay old time"). The early church, and even Jewish rabbis, forgot what the "any cause" divorce was, because soon after the days of Jesus, it became the only type of divorce on offer. It was simply called divorce. This meant that when Jesus condemned "divorce for 'any cause,' " later generations thought he meant "divorce for any cause."
Now that we know what Jesus did reject, we can also see what he didn't reject. He wasn't rejecting the Old Testament- he was rejecting a faulty Jewish interpretation of the Old Testament. He defended the true meaning of Deuteronomy 24:1. And there is one other surprising thing he didn't reject: Jesus didn't reject the other ground for divorce in the old Testament, which all Jews accepted. Although the church forgot the other cause for divorce, every Jew in Jesus' day knew about Exodus 21:10-11, which allowed divorce for neglect.
Before rabbis introduced the "any cause" divorce, this was probably the most common type. Exodus says that everyone, even a slave wife, had three rights within marriage; the rights to food, clothing, and love. If these were neglected, the wronged spouse had the right to seek freedom from that marriage. Even women could, and did, get divorces for neglect-though the man still had to write out the divorce certificate. Rabbis said he had to do it voluntarily, so if he resisted, the courts had him beaten till he volunteered!
These three rights became the basis of Jewish marriage vows - we find them listed in marriage certificates discovered near the Dead Sea. In later Jewish and Christian marriages, the language became more formal, such as "love, honor, and keep." These vows, together with a vow of sexual faithfulness, have always been the basis for marriage. Thus, the vows we make when we marry correspond directly to the biblical grounds for divorce. The three provisions of food, clothing, and love were understood literally by the Jews. The wife had to cook and sew, while the husband provided food and materials, or money. They both had to provide the emotional support of marital love, though they could abstain from sex for short periods. Paul taught the same thing. He said that married couples owed each other love (1 Cor. 7:3-5) and material support (1 Cor. 7:33-34). He didn't say that neglect of these rights was the basis of divorce because he didn't need to - it was stated on the marriage certificate. Anyone who was neglected, in terms of emotional support or physical support, could legally claim a divorce.
Divorce for neglect included divorce for abuse, because this was extreme neglect. There was no question about that end of the spectrum of neglect, but what about the other end? What about abandonment, which was merely a kind of passive neglect? This was an uncertain matter, so Paul deals with it. He says to all believers that they may not abandon their partners, and if they have done so, they should return (1 Cor.
7:10-11).
In the case of someone who is abandoned by an unbeliever - someone who won't obey the command to return - he says that the abandoned person is "no longer bound." Anyone in first-century Palestine reading this phrase would think immediately of the wording at the end of all Jewish, and most Roman, divorce certificates: "You are free to marry anyone you wish."
Putting all this together gives us a clear and consistent set of rules for divorce and remarriage. Divorce is only allowed for a limited number of grounds that are found in the Old Testament and affirmed in the New Testament:

• Adultery (in Deuteronomy 24:1, affirmed by Jesus in Matthew 19)

• Emotional and physical neglect (in Exodus 21:10-11, affirmed by Paul in 1Corinthians 7)

• Abandonment and abuse (included in neglect, as affirmed in 1Corinthians 7)

Jewish couples listed these biblical grounds for divorce in their marriage vows. We reiterate them as love, honor, and keep and be faithful to each other. When these vows were broken, it threatened to break up the marriage. As in any broken contract, the wronged party had the right to say, "I forgive you; let's carry on," or, "I can't go on, because this marriage is broken." Therefore, while divorce should never happen, God allows it (and subsequent remarriage) when your partner breaks the marriage vows.
Reading the Bible and ancient Jewish documents side-by-side helped me understand much more of the Bible's teaching about divorce and marriage, not all of which I can summarize here. Dusty scraps of parchment rescued from synagogue rubbish rooms, desert caves, and neglected scholarly collections shone fresh light on the New Testament. Theologians who have long felt that divorce should be allowed for abuse and abandonment may be vindicated. And, more importantly, victims of broken marriages can see that God's law is both practical and loving.

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Red Flags to Be Aware of As You Develop New Relationships

As we develop new relationships with people, it is necessary to understand that there are levels to those relationships and if we do not follow the natural and established progression of those relationships, we can find ourselves in trouble no matter whether it is just a friendship or whether we are courting a more intimate relationship.

What do I mean by levels?  The levels in a relationship are steps that we take to get to know another person.  As we progress from stranger to close friend or intimate partner, we have to give the relationship time to develop so that we can evaluate whether the person is a good fit for our lives, what kind of character they posses and if they can be trusted.  We have to take these levels in order, not getting one before the other so that trust and bonding can happen or if we are moving into a relationship with someone who is untrustworthy, abusive or even dangerous, we know that in time to be able to extricate ourselves.  In so many relationships these days, sexual encounters come way too early in the relationship and intimate bonding takes place before each individual has had time to evaluate the other person.  This kind of bonding then makes it much more difficult to evaluate the "Red Flags" that may come along.

Each level of a relationship has its characteristics.  When we first meet someone, we make small talk and over the course of different conversations we begin to evaluate whether the person is of interest to us.  Sometimes there is a connection, sometimes there isn't.  If the person peaks our interest, we will see them again in a different context...perhaps over coffee, dinner or maybe just by phone.  In these conversations, we can determine whether the person is easy or difficult to communicate with, whether there are mutual interests and what kind of life the person has had or is planning on having.  In these first few levels of relationship we are evaluating on many different levels.  If we determine the other person is interesting to us, we will probably move into the next level of relationship which is denoted by spending more time together in different ways, exploring mutual interests and taking conversations deeper.  We may talk about family, goals for the future and what our dreams and visions are for our lives.  In this level we are evaluating whether the person is safe, what we like about them and they are doing the same with us.

Once trust is established, then there is a time period where we evaluate where the relationship is going and if it is an opposite sex relationship, if we are interested in pursuing a deeper kind of relationship.  From there, the relationship becomes more defined, roles are established, boundaries are defined and there is a structure that starts to take place between the two people.  Moving forward, a foundation is being laid for a more connected and intimate relationship down the road.  Looking at the complexity of these levels of relationship, it is somewhat easy to see why introducing a sexual encounter early on may disrupt the natural flow of things.

However, the focus of this article is what takes place in the early stages of relationship building and what to look for in order to determine whether the person is safe and trustworthy to become involved with.  When individuals are not safe and/or not trustworthy there are certain characteristics that tend to pop out over time and we need to understand that in order to evaluate them, we must take time in establishing relationships with a person of the opposite sex.  Some of these are just common sense, but some may not be so obvious....let's take a look:

1. Criminal History - if there is any violence, sexual abuse, substance abuse or histories of any type of crime, a person should consider that a red flag.  Patterns of behavior mean something, no matter how much justification is offered.  If you don't want to deal with the behavior, understand that if there hasn't been any outside help to change the behavior, it will probably appear in any relationship the individual has.
2. Employment Record - look for long periods of unemployment, job instability or job dissatisfaction.  This may indicate a lack of motivation, an inability to get along with authority or even co-workers and even a mental health/substance use problem in the person's live.
3. Military Service Record - was there an honorable discharge?  That one speaks for itself.
4. Health and Medical History - is there history of STDs or even HIV?  Have they been through rehab?  Substance abuse is very detrimental to a relationship and a history of sexually transmitted diseases or even testing for them can show a propensity for commitment issues, lack of respect for themselves or others.
5. Mental Health History - a history of depression, mental illness or even low self esteem can be a red flag that needs to be observed.  Although many people go through their lives with depression and low self esteem, these things can create issues in a relationship because of negativity and lack of boundaries or social skills.
6. Family History and Relationships with Family Members - How do they resolve differences and disputes?  Is the relationship with family healthy?  Is there any mental illness, substance abuse, child abuse or domestic violence?  These things change the way individuals deal with stress, change or problems and need to be seriously evaluated before considering progress to a committed relationship.  How is mom treated?  How does the person treat their father?
7. Previous Relationships - was there (are there) violence/control issues?  Did the previous relationship break up amicably or is/was there bitterness and anger?  It may be advisable to speak to the ex to see if their story matches what is being told.  Often two people who break up will not have the same reasons, but if the person you are with is minimizing or being evasive, it is worth the time to check out their story.
8. History or signs of substance abuse or addictions - these things in a relationship can lead to physical violence, financial instability, child abuse, sexual abuse as well as emotional and verbal abuse.  When a person's mind is altered in any way, you will not be dealing with the same person you know in a sober condition.
9. Credit History - Does this person own property, a home, cars, retirement accounts.  If not, why not?  A good credit history is a good indicator of stability and responsibility.
10. Treatment of Pets, Animals and Children - any history with them, is patience and understanding shown, have there been any signs of violence?  Violence against animals is a clear indicator of significant issues and individuals with a history of this should be avoided.
11. Pornography - pornography is an indicator of how the individual may be able to connect with another person intimately.  Objectification is a fancy word for lack of empathy and connection and it is something that becomes important when someone is addicted to pornography.  When a man objectifies a woman, he sees her as one dimensional....like the pictures in the magazine.  She has no feelings to be considered, and she is there for his gratification only.  The women in the magazines don't talk back, they don't ask for respect and a relationship with them doesn't have to be worked at.  This is the problem with pornography, whether it is in print or on the internet.  It blinds its victim to emotional connection, honor and respect of the other person in the relationship and as we know, that causes a host of problems in relationships.
12. Honor and Respect - How does the individual see others?  Are people treated with honor and respect or are they yelled at from behind the wheel of the car, pushed aside in order to get to the front of the line or talked about behind their backs?  
13. Ladies - does the man you are involved with ask you for money?  Do you feel as though you should pay for things because he can't afford them or doesn't have the money to do what he needs to do........child support, bills, fines etc.  Don't do it!  It is a sign of irresponsibility and that should mean something to you.
14. Boundaries - a lack of boundaries means a lack of respect.
15. Control and/or manipulation - if the person you are with does not accept responsibility for their actions, if they manipulate you or control you; if they won't let you see your friends or family; if they lie and say they didn't....these are major warning signs and you should run, not walk in the other direction.
16. Legalism - in faith based relationships it is important to recognize legalism.  Individuals who use scripture to control/manipulate/dominate another person are operating outside of those scriptures.  God is not controlling nor is He dominating.  He has given us free will.
17. Growth - if you cannot be who you are, if you cannot grow inside the relationship then the relationship is not a good fit for you.

Although you may not see the need, it is important to develop a "Screening Committee" of 3 or 4 people you respect and trust who can give you feedback with regard to the individual that you are developing a relationship with.  This is especially important if you have a history of getting involved with abusive individuals.  Be ready to listen to their concerns and don't minimize them.  They are probably the same ones you've had.  

No matter what people say, character matters!  People are who they really are when no one is watching and that says a lot about character and integrity.  Pay attention to these things and it will save you many hours of pain and perhaps financial devastation in your future relationships.  

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• Men Can Also Be The Victims of Abuse (livingwellcc.blogspot.com)
• Recovering a Marriage After Abuse (livingwellcc.blogspot.com)
• Why Is It So Hard To Leave? (livingwellcc.blogspot.com)
• Abusive Boyfriend Question (livingwellcc.blogspot.com)
• How Much Abuse is Too Much? (livingwellcc.blogspot.com)
• Perception Is Often Skewed with Abuse (livingwellcc.blogspot.com)
• Stockholm Syndrome (livingwellcc.blogspot.com)

Why Is It So Hard To Leave?

When you work with women who have been, are in or are close to someone in an abusive relationship, the question of why it is so hard to leave inevitably comes up.  I thought I would share with you a little bit of technical information that might help answer that question.  The question is not an easy one to answer and to fully understand some of the considerations that go into these decisions you need to understand the concepts of conditioning, addiction and our basic need for love.

Let's start with the relatively easy one....our basic need for love.  In many places throughout scripture we learn that as human beings, we are created for relationship and for love.  Back as far as the story of Adam and Eve we find God saying that it is not good for man to be alone, that he should have a companion.  In more recent times a study was done by a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School that basically showed human beings being happier and healthier if they have love in their life as well as approval from others.   In short, love is crucial to the existence of human beings. It is as necessary to a good quality of life as the air we breathe.

We also know that the withdrawal of love is torturous to the human being.  You can see that very well when you look at children who are disciplined by a parent who ignores them as a form of punishment.  According to Kelly Coutee,

"In early childhood, a parent can provide negative mirroring by being contemptuous of the child or by withdrawing love as punishment. During this developmental phase, fear that the parent will leave if the child is not good enough (abandonment fear) can later cause shame to be experienced in perceived abandonment. "

When we withdraw love from a child they will do almost anything to restore it, which is why uninformed parents find it an effective punishment.

As adults, we are affected the same way, especially if we have grown up with a lack of love and/or acceptance in our lives.  That lack eventually forms a deep seated belief system that effects the way we look at things, people and life until that belief is changed.  If our self esteem is challenged, if we believe that we aren't good enough, if we believe that only this person will love us or we have been made to feel responsible for the good feeling and well being of another person, we will cling to that which we know rather than embrace that which we don't know.  There is a colleague of mine who practices Emotionally Focused Couples therapy and his comment is "women don't leave abusive relationships because the negative attachment that they have is better than the perceived isolation they believe they will have if they leave."  That makes a lot of sense.

The next part of this equation is the idea of conditioning.  Operant conditioning is a type of conditioning where the use of consequences has the effect of modifying behavior.  Abusive relationships use operant conditioning by the abuser to keep the victim controlled.  Resistance is soon worn down as the victim is conditioned to respond to tone of voice, facial looks, physical positions or other things that the abuser might use to control behavior.  In the beginning, those indicators would be followed by action, but after the conditioning has been accomplished, only the threat is necessary.

The last piece of the puzzle comes under the heading of addiction.....gambling addiction to be specific.  Addiction to gambling is not an addiction that is predicated on a substance such as drugs or alcohol.  In substance addiction there is a physiological dependence that the body develops in relation to the substance which then creates symptoms of physical withdrawal when the substance is removed.  Gambling has no such physiological quality.  So why is it one of the most difficult addictions to break?  Because it employs Intermittent Reinforcement.  B.F. Skinner discovered a very interesting concept with intermittent reinforcement in that  behavior that is reinforced intermittently is much more difficult to extinguish than behavior that is reinforced continuously.

Intermittent reinforcement is best described by the example of a slot machine.  Slot machines pay off at intermittent times and in variable amounts.  If you have ever had the experience of interacting with one of these machines, can you remember feeling that you got?  Just imagine.....you pull the handle and 13 coins fall into the tray.  You are excited!  The next three or four pulls of the handle don't result in anything, however the next one results in 5 coins.  You aren't as excited, but you begin to anticipate that within the next few pulls of the handle, you could get a return that is as exciting or better than the first one.  Wow!  The anticipation is exhilarating and you continue to play.  With each pull of the handle your hope increases that the big payoff is just a few pulls of the handle away!  Many individuals can sit at a slot machine for hours and hours with the anticipation of "the big payoff"!

Now with that in mind, remembering how important love is to us and understanding that an abuse victim lives in a very controlled environment, what would happen if the "payoff" was love?  How addicting would it be if that "payoff" came at intermittent times...perhaps one day the abuser does something nice and then it happens again in three days.  Then it happens again in a week.  There's an incident a few days later but then s/he does something nice the next day, then again in ten days and then again in four days.  Imagine too that there are variable amounts of  love/kindness/happiness that range from just a ceasing from abuse to going out to dinner or a bouquet of flowers.  The victim's anticipation for the next "payoff" rises and falls, but s/he is still looking for the next time......s/he lives for the next time.  For all intents and purposes, staying in an abusive relationship is a form of gambling addiction.  The victim is gambling for the big payoff that seldom if ever comes.

Dog trainers understand this kind of reinforcement very well as it is a planned training schedule that works effectively to increase positive behavior in the animals.  Trainers make sure that although there are treats that are given for good behavior or positive reaction, but these treats are given at specific intervals, not each time and not at equal intervals.

Conditioning is a part of how we learn as human beings, but it can either have positive or negative results depending on the scenario.   Intermittent reinforcement  when combined with the giving and withdrawal of love is traumatizing and destructive when combined with an interpersonal relationship.  It results in a skewed connectedness that is on one hand painful, yet on the other hand provides a false hope for change.  In this state, individuals find it very difficult to leave a relationship.  They believe there is hope, yet that hope is built on an addictive pattern of behavior that will only continue to cycle until someone breaks the pattern.  It is not until hope is gone that an individuals feel free of guilt or responsibility to the relationship and often makes the decision to break free.  Add other conditions such as Stockholm Syndrome and/or PTSD and the confusion escalates and the decisions become more difficult and more complicated to make.

Hopefully this has helped to answer the question of why it is so hard to leave a relationship that is abusive.  Hope is a powerful thing, as it should be.  Proverbs 13:12 says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life."  Successful interpersonal relationships are life giving and that is the hope that every couple has when they enter in to one.  It is often difficult to discern when that hope turns from true hope into false hope.

Co-Dependence or as it is otherwise known, Enabling

Today, I have a question from someone who is trying to identify the characteristics of a co-dependent loved one. Co-dependence within a marriage can look like enabling someone to continue in an undesirable behavior, or within a family it can interfere with the couples ability to be truly independent and complete the individuation process. Sometimes as parents, we don't realize when we are being co-dependent with our grown children, but it is something that needs to be talked about.
The question is:
"Hi - I've been dealing with serious difficulties in my marriage over the three years since the wedding. My wife is extremely inconsistent and emotional. After much work, I'm feeling as though my wife may have codependence issues from her family of origin and other relationships. Could you give a description of what types of general behaviours could be expected and how a person may act if they are codependent, but not in a codependent relationship?"
Even the best parents, out of a sense of love and caring may step over boundaries that they shouldn't. An honoring relationship doesn't take out of the hands of a competent person that which they can do for themselves, or should do for themselves. When we have trouble seeing someone we love struggle, it is important to ask ourselves why we want to help. Is it to relieve our own angst or because the other person truly needs help?
Studies have been done on children who have been born naturally and those that were born through a Cesarean section. Oddly enough, those who didn't have to struggle to be born are often more lay back and don't have as strong a desire to struggle through problems in order to achieve their goals. Interesting, huh?
The answer to the above question may shed some light on this subject:
"I'd be happy to share with you what I know about codependency. In what I'm about to tell you, it is important to know that even though these behaviors may be annoying, the person is not bad. Codependent people have learned these behaviors in order to survive through childhood and have depended on them in order to protect themselves. Sometimes women learn these behaviors because they believe they are feminine and that is what it means to be a lady. Other times, they have learned this behavior as a means to get their needs met. Whatever the reason is, it was legitimate at the time, in the circumstances where it was learned. When the person then changes their circumstances, the behavior doesn't work well anymore. It's like learning your lines to be in a play. You learn what to say, when to say it and where to say your lines. If you are then put in another play, those lines won't work, the marks you hit don't match and it becomes a mess if you don't learn new lines and new ways of behaving.

People who are codependent tend to feel responsible for others. They believe that they have control over what someone else feels, thinks, the choices they make, their well being and perhaps even their destiny. These are the abused women who fully believe that if they just change their behavior, how they act, what they say and what they feel, their abusers will be happy. These are the children who believe that if they are just better boys and girls, mommy will be happy and everything will be right with the world.

These folks will feel guilty when other people have problems and feel compelled to help that person solve the problem. They give advice, unasked for suggestions and try to "fix" everything. They also feel rejected when their "help" doesn't work or their advice isn't taken. They try to anticipate other people's needs and meet those needs and then wonder why others don't do that for them.

Codependent individuals say yes when they want to say no and get roped into doing things they don't want to do, or do more than their part. They usually don't know what they want or need and put others needs before their own consistently. This is a self worth issue. They work to please others at their own expense.

They can do much for others, but are unable to accept help or gifts or even compliments for themselves and they feel the most safe when they are giving to others. They will get very upset when another person experiences some kind of injustice, but are not so upset when they themselves are treated badly.

They are attracted to needy people and find that needy people are
attracted to them. Life tends to be boring if they aren't in a crisis, or have a problem to solve. Solving problems gives them self esteem. When someone needs them, they will drop what they are doing and respond. They over-commit themselves and often feel pressured, but at the same time, they relish the pressure because it shows others they are working hard to solve a problem.

Although they may not admit this, there is a deep down feeling that others are responsible for them, they blame others for not being responsible for them, blame others for the way they feel and say other people make them crazy. They often feel angry, victimized, unappreciated and used.

Other people often become impatient or angry with them because of these characteristics.

You can find more information about codependency in a book called Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. These characteristics and more are listed in that book and it gives you a very well rounded perspective of a codependent person as well as ways to heal from codependency.

I hope this information helps to answer your question. If your wife is willing to go to counseling, she would benefit from that as this issue is very difficult to deal with on your own. These behaviors are the safety measures that have been put in place over time and fear will keep her locked in to them. Someone will need to walk this journey with her and a counselor is more able to hold her accountable than you are. It would not be advisable for you to fill that role."
Have a great day everyone! We're in the middle of a pouring rainstorm here. Looks like summer may be a few more weeks off!